Not The One

Chapter Ten: Moving On
by sammo_00


When I went to go see Dr. Simsy that week, I walked in and announced that I no longer needed her help. She stood up, her bland hair swirling around her face and in that instant, I realized I never needed her help.

“That would be against my advisement,” she drawled, her eyes narrowing in her bony face.

I rolled my eyes and settled my hands on my hips. “Look Dr. Simsy, I have been coming to see you for almost a year. Seriously. What have you done to help me in that time? The only thing you’ve done is drain my parents of money, and you couldn’t even help me in return,” I replied. I could almost hear her heart stop.

“I still think that there is much more that can be accomplished here Mary, and you’re jeopardizing everything by quitting in the middle,” she retorted, her face slightly flushed.

Shaking my head, I turned to leave. “I most certainly am not quitting. I’m just furthering myself. Only, you won’t be there to see it.” I shut the door softly behind me and walked out of her office into the bright sunlight. The warmth on my skin, despite the chill of the breeze, invigorated me.

My least favorite holiday had just passed and the weather was reflecting my marvelous mood. Walking to my front door, I kept pausing to peer at the camellias in bloom, and the small shoots of the daffodils pushing out of the leaves my father hadn’t raked up in months. I kept grinning for no reason at all, and would just randomly break out in laughter. And every time a pigeon flew over, I would glance up and smile, the sunshine warming my skin even as the wind blew cold.

I had told my parents what happened and they took me to a doctor who announced I didn’t need stitches, but should consider wearing a huge padded bandage for several days. It was only a superficial cut and if I took care of it, I might not have a scar. I didn’t care if I did. Scars are just physical memories of things we have done. Not that I needed a physical memory, but I knew I would never forget how easily I had tried to slice myself open.

My mother finally broke down and told me that she didn’t blame me for what happened and she had been going to a therapist herself and was on some mild anti-depressant. She had been trying to convince herself that Jennifer had been murdered and under the control of someone who had forced her to do those things to me. But she was on a slow path to acceptance.

So everything was on the way to getting better.

And Billy. The guy from UPS who had saved my life in more ways than one. After that afternoon, I shyly asked him for his number and if the two of us could go out sometime, albeit without the blood and hysterical sobbing. He smiled his slow smile, his eyes lighting up as he wrote his number down for me. I had yet to call him but I knew I was going to soon.

As I opened my front door, I heard someone calling my name and turned to face the side street. Almost immediately, I wished I hadn’t and turned to go back in the house but Sam was at my side in an instant.

“I’ve been trying to get in touch with you for the past couple of days,” he panted, his cheeks flushed.

“In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m ignoring you,” I said coolly, glaring at him. He flinched and his gaze fell on my outstretched arm holding the door open, to the large bandage wrapped around my wrist. Gasping, he reached forward, but I jerked back out of his reach.

“Oh my God Mary, what happened?” he gasped, looking me in the face, his hand still stretching for mine.

“You lost the right to ask that question when you started fucking someone else,” I answered primly, turning to walk in the house. Sam’s hand fell on my shoulder and I whipped around. “Don’t touch me you bastard,” I hissed. Sam flinched again, but stood his ground.

“You don’t understand, do you?” he said, his mouth twisting. “I wouldn’t think you’d understand it. You’re just…you think that just because this guy raped you, you’re entitled to all this pity and everyone falling at your feet to do your bidding to keep you sane. You probably haven’t thought about anyone but yourself since it happened, have you?”

I just gaped at him. I couldn’t even think of a retort. I felt as though I had been physically assaulted. And I had convinced myself that I loved this guy. This guy, who now stood on my front porch, telling me that I was a selfish human being. I felt like I had good enough reason to slap him, but I couldn’t find the strength. Instead, I just stood there, letting him rant and rave at me as though his cheating on me was my fault. According to him, it was.

“You just don’t understand that a guy like me needs some kind of release. After three months, you should have at least let me get your pants off but no, you were such a prim, prissy little cocktease. All these promises with your eyes and your suggestive little tongue, but you couldn’t follow through with it. I guess I had you pegged wrong. You’re just a little teasing bitch, just like your sister.”

And then I did slap him. So hard he actually fell back, his hand flying to his cheek. He just stood there for a moment, staring at me, me staring back with liquid hatred coursing through my veins.

“Is everything ok here?” a voice interrupted and I looked up, feeling a smile split my face at seeing Billy standing there in his brown UPS uniform, holding a box.

“Yes, everything is fine,” I answered. “This asshole was just leaving.” I turned to Sam, a big plastic grin on my face. “And he is never returning, isn’t that right?”

Sam mumbled something under his breath and Billy shot him a look. “Excuse me sir? What did you say?” But Sam must have felt threatened by Billy because he just shook his head, sent daggers in my direction with his eyes and left. I heard the screech of his tires as he tore off.

Only then did I turn to Billy and offer him a real smile, though my earlier happiness was gone. Who did Sam think he was? To come to my house and say he started cheating on me because I wouldn’t give it up. What was that? And all that crap he said about wanting to be the one who saved me because I needed it. Now I needed saving from the guy who was going to save me. I would have been better off moving in with Jack and Chuck. At least they only did what they did at gunpoint. Sam did it of his own choice, by his own admission. What an ass. What an idiot.

Billy smiled back at me and once again, I felt that warm secure feeling falling over me, like a blanket fresh from the dryer. I could feel my lips turning up in a ridiculous grin and I turned away, not wanting to let Billy see how stupid I looked.

“Got another package for ya,” I heard him say and then I let him see my smile.

“Oh really? I thought you were just looking for an excuse to see me,” I joked, trying to work out the iron lump sitting on my chest. How could Sam say all that stuff to me? I thought he loved me. People who love someone don’t say those things. But then, maybe he didn’t really love me. Maybe he thought that if he was the one to ‘fix’ me, he’d feel so good about himself and then he’d dump me and go on in the world, patting himself on the shoulder about how he fixed the girl who couldn’t be fixed. I could have kicked him! I should have!

“Well, don’t tell anyone this, but I mailed something to you in a big box just so I could stop by and see you,” Billy joked back, his eyes crinkling as he smiled at me. I looked at him incredulously for a moment, then realized he was kidding and giggled.

“You’re silly, you know that?” I laughed, turning my face to the breeze so the wind could push the hair out of my face.

Billy snorted through his nose. “Yup yup, they tell me that all the time at the mental institution. Right before they tie me down and shock my brain. Then I go all funny and every time I touch metal, my hair sticks up and I make this weird zapping noise through my nose,” he said, mushing his face up so he was looking at me cross-eyed with his nose all scrunched up. I started giggling harder and had to sit down on my front steps. Billy just stood there with a silly grin on his face, then he kneeled down in front of me, putting the box on the bottom step. “Are you ok? That guy, things seemed a little tense when I walked up. You’re not gonna collapse in tears again, are ya? I couldn’t handle having to wash another jacket so soon!”

I grinned and shook my head, but didn’t meet his eyes. Almost at once, I could feel the familiar tension building in my chest and the huge lump rising in my throat. Ashamed, I turned away, cursing myself for letting this happen again in Billy’s company, but he reached out and gently grasped my chin, pulling me back around to face him.

“What happened?” he asked softly, his dark eyes full of concern.

I shook my head and looked up, blinking furiously to keep the tears from falling. How can you be so happy one moment and then the next, it’s as though you’re struggling to stay afloat in quicksand with miniature people pulling you down as well? Not only that, but goodness if I hadn’t already done this in front of Billy. I really didn’t want to do it again. I didn’t need another person to think I was a selfish brat who cared only about herself. And as that thought crossed my mind, a tear slipped down my cheek and I hiccupped, still trying not to cry. But as I looked in Billy’s eyes, I knew I had to, so I told him.

“Sam is my…was my boyfriend. We broke up about a week ago because he was cheating on me,” I said tremblingly. Billy’s eyes narrowed but he didn’t say anything. “I thought that Sam was the one who was going to save me but he said…he said he wasn’t getting it from me so he had to get it somewhere. He said…that I’m a selfish person and…I’m a tease, just like my sister.” I said the last part in a whisper, the tears falling freely now. I couldn’t bear to look Billy in the eye so instead I stared at my purse as though it was the most interesting thing in the world. I probably would have continued staring at it for the next two years had Billy not put his hand under my chin and forced me to look at him.

“He is an idiot,” Billy said bluntly. “If I had you, I’d never let you go. Hell, if I had any girl, I’d never let her go. You are not selfish. You’re just a little screwed up right now.”

“Right,” I snorted. “So screwed up I’ve got to get therapy from the UPS guy. Sure. I’m perfectly normal.”

Billy shook his head, his hair catching the sunlight. “After all that’s happened to you, I’m surprised you haven’t been committed. It just goes to show what type of person you are. If I were you, I would have locked myself in a closet long before now just to hide from all the potential threats out there. I most certainly would not be sitting on my front porch having a very private serious conversation with the UPS guy who just happened to keep me from killing myself. You know how it is. And you are a very strong young lady Mary. Don’t worry about this jackass said. He’s probably just upset because you caught him being a pissant and you shouldn’t have to…what? What’s so funny?”

I started giggling and for a moment, I couldn’t breathe. When I finally caught my breath, I looked up at Billy. “You said pissant. I have never heard anyone ever say that, besides me. It made me giggle; I’m sorry,” I said, trying to get serious again but Billy was smiling now too.

“Really? I’ve always said pissant; I think it’s a very funny term. You say it too?” he asked and I nodded, still grinning slightly. “Weird,” he said.

“Whatever,” I replied, holding up my hands in the old age “W” and Billy started laughing.

“So Miss Mary,” he asked, trying to keep a straight face, “would it be possible for me to take you to dinner this Friday?”


A/N: So. What did ya think??