Love and Deceit

Chapter 10: Goodbye.

“…Nathan’s dead.”

The words were spoken softly, barely a whisper, but were unmistakable.

“What?” I asked shocked.

Carter didn’t reply. I got off the bed and kneeled on the floor in front of him, pulling his tears stained face to look me in the eye.

My heart tightened painfully when I saw Carter’s eyes. The green and blue that had captivated me when I first saw them, that had frightened me when Carter had raped me, which warmed my soul when they sparkled with his smile, were now hollow.

Carter’s eyes were dead. They became a window into the void. Carter was sitting in front of me, but he wasn’t truly there.

I was worried. “Carter.” I whispered as I got up, took firm hold of his head, and pulled it to my chest. I wrapped my arms around Carter’s, still trembling, shoulders, in an effort to comfort him.

I heard what he said; I just needed to clarify it. But it was clarified, alright. It was clarified the moment I looked into Carter’s lost, empty eyes.

He didn’t respond to me. He didn’t return my hug, didn’t speak, didn’t sigh… didn’t do anything. He just sat there, resting in my arms, tears running down his face.

It was clear that I couldn’t do anything to help him. Nathan wasn’t the only one who was dead… Carter was dead too.

***

It was the day of the funeral. The Welland estate held it three days after the news that Nathan was dead… killed…

It was confirmed, that Nathan had been in his hotel room, when two people had broken in, raped him, beaten him, stabbed and shot him. He was left in his room, naked and alone, bleeding to death. It wasn’t long after the attack that paramedics came into the room and tried to resuscitate Nathan, but it was too late by the time they got there.

Carter wasn’t spared the gory details, mainly because he wanted to know the cause of Nathan’s death.

He had kept his distance with every one from the night when he got the call. I had tried many times to approach Carter and comfort him, but he would never look me in the eye, or talk to me. I couldn’t tell what was going through his mind, but it was clear that Carter was suffering. His eyes were still hollow, and he spent most of his days in his room. Only on the day of the funeral did he come out and make his appearance.

***

He’s gone.

***

The funeral was in a large church and many people had attended. The casket was closed but we did get the chance to see Nathan’s face.

Despite the story we were told that Nathan was beaten, there was not a single bruise, or swelling on his face. He was still as beautiful as when he had left for his business trip.

Carter had spent a long time standing over the casket, looking down at Nathan’s face until his father, the famous Mr. Welland, had finally pulled him away from it and sat him down. They closed the casket before people would start coming into the church.

Carter’s attention had remained fixed on the casket, and he hadn’t acknowledged anyone when they had come to express their sympathies to the family. I sat next to Carter, concerned, but there was really nothing I could do.

Adrian was beside me, and he too was concerned for Carter. There were tears running down his face. He also knew Nathan. The two of them would often play together whenever Nathan was around. The two had taken an immediate liking to each other, so one could imagine just how upset Adrian was.

I, also, was upset at the loss. Nathan was kind of like my defender when ever Miriam would bad mouth me. If she would ever catch me in the hallway alone, she would make a point to yell at me, but Nathan always seemed to show up before things could get ugly. He was a great guy through and through.

My mind had wandered off many times to the night the three of us, Carter, Nathan and I, had together. It was a lovely night, and it brought forth a whole new level of affection that the three of us shared. It was also the start to the new relationship I had with Carter.

The ceremony in the church lasted at least an hour, with a number of people giving out their own eulogies. Carter didn’t cry; he remained silent through out the whole ordeal.

I could hear some people talking behind us about how heartless he was that he wasn’t crying for his own brother’s funeral. It angered me to no end, and yet, Carter still remained silent, his hollow eyes fixed on the casket.

No, I thought to myself, he isn’t heartless… Carter is hurting more than anyone.

When the funeral ended, Carter, me, and a couple of other guys were the pole bearers for Nathan’s casket. I was worried that Carter wasn’t going to be able to hold the it because of his emotions, and neither did his father, but he insisted on still being one of the pole bearers.

He kept his eyes fixed on the ground when we brought the casket out to the Hurst. When we put it in, the Hurst drove off to the burial site, and we followed it by limousine.

There were two limousines. One was for Carter’s family, plus me and Adrian, and the other was for Miriam’s family. Well, actually there were lots more limousines, but those were for the guests.

Once we got to the burial site, we went to the top of one of the hills where Nathan’s casket was waiting to be buried in front of a huge monument.

We all gathered around and listened to a prayer from the priest that was there.

***

He’s gone.

***

More eulogies were given by people… one, in particular, was given by Mrs. Welland… Nathan’s mother. She spoke of how good of a son Nathan was, and how a single smile from his lips could light up a room. Oh, how right she was.

She began to cry, but it wasn’t in the way one would wail. She cried softly and silently, tears trickling down her face, much like they were for Carter when he had just heard the news. It surprised me just how much she and Carter were alike, even though she wasn’t Carter’s biological mother.

***

He’s gone.

***

The one person, who was wailing, just to get attention and try to appear even the slightest bit human, was Miriam. Her tears were crocodile tears that began to really burn my soul. I knew she hated Nathan, and I think that even the Welland family knew too. The two of them would hardly ever speak to each other when there was a large family dinner, or even when they were in the presence of anyone.

The two would hardly speak to each other when they were alone unless Nathan was trying to protect me from a cobra thrashing.

***

Dear God… my Nathan is gone.

***

Once all eulogies were finished, the priest said one final prayer, aloud the crowd to each place a rose on Nathan’s casket (all except for Carter had placed a single rose on the casket. He did, however, have a bouquet in his hands that he kept holding). The casket was then slowly lowered into a pre dug grave.

The crowd began to sing, and Miriam continued her sobbing. I stood next to Carter, silent. Every once in a while I would look up to him and see his hollow eyes. They were fixed on the monument. Carter’s shoulders were shaking slightly, but he hadn’t shed a single tear.

I was soon distracted by a sniffling sound. Adrian was trying to hold back his tears, but failed miserably. His nose was runny and large tears were running down his face. I bent down and held my little brother in my arms, squeezing tight as if, if I hadn’t, then he would leave me like Nathan left Carter.

I had a new appreciation for what Carter did for me when I first knew him. I realised just how close I actually came to loosing my little brother, and I would have, had Carter not come into my life.

I looked back up to Carter and noticed that there was a slim arm that was gently caressing his back. Tilting my head slightly to see who it was, I noticed that it was the figure of Mrs. Welland.

As well as having her one arm caressing Carter’s back, she also had her head on his shoulder. The tears were still running along her face but she was silent.

***

Why did you leave me?

***

Dirt covered the grave site completely, as workers gently patted it down, and immediately covered the area with a roll of grass. Normally, all that would have been done in a period of two weeks, when no one was around but, it was a request from the Welland family that it all be done when they were there.

In truth, it even surprised me to see the monument there waiting for our arrival. Under normal circumstances, a monument would have taken up to three weeks to be engraved with the words requested, and placed at the grave site for the sole reason that there were just so many to do.

But this was another request made by the Welland family, and finalised with money.

Every one turned to leave. There was going to be snacks and drinks served at the Welland mansion for all the guests so they could discuss the life of the one lost (as was the norm after funerals). Miriam had come up beside Carter, tears gone as if they were never there.

“Carter, let’s go.” She said.

Carter didn’t answer. He remained where he stood, eyes still fixed on the monument.

“Carter, let’s go. We have guest, we need to meet them at the mansion.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The cobra bears her venom once again. She could see that Carter was upset and in no condition to entertain a bunch of old office workers. But here she was, trying to get him away from the monument of the man that was his brother… the man that was his lover.

“Carter, “she repeated, annoyance apparent in her voice. “You’re being rude.”

“Leave him Miriam.” It was Miriam’s father that spoke. “We can return to the mansion ourselves, and he can join us later.”

“But, daddy!” She said like a kid.

Her father gave her a death stare. “Leave him, and let’s go first.”

“Yes,” it was Mr. Welland who spoke this time. “He’s suffering now. He’ll come when he is ready. Let him say goodbye to his brother.”

Miriam nodded finally, anger apparent in her features, and she left with her father.

***

Why did you leave me, Nate?

***

Mrs. Welland gave Carter a kiss on the cheek and then her, Mr. Welland, Adrian and I all went down to the limousines.

Nathan’s monument could still be seen from the bottom of the hill, and I could still see Carter standing in front of the it, motionless.

I looked at Carter’s parents. “Do you think he’ll be okay?”

Mrs. Welland looked at me, affection in her eyes. “He’s taking Nathan’s death the hardest. Nathan is my son, and yet Carter is suffering worse than me. He truly loved his brother.”

Adrian was standing next to me, and I pulled him close, as I nodded to Mrs. Welland’s comment.

“He’ll be okay if we just give him some time.” Said Mr. Welland. He took his wife by the shoulder and they were about to go into the limo when I stopped them.

“Would it be alright if you took Adrian back to the mansion with you? I think it would be good if I waited for Carter.”

Mrs. Welland looked at me again and smiled. She walked up to me and put a hand on my cheek, caressing it gently before she kissed it and nodded.

She looked to Adrian. “Come on, honey. I’ll get the maids to make a nice hot cup of coco.”

Adrian looked at me and I nodded. He then took Mrs. Welland’s hand and climbed into the limo with her.

Mr. Welland came up to me, and put a hand on my shoulder. “I knew how much Carter loved Nathan. I always knew. I also know how you came to be in our house. You, Chris, are probably the only one who can comfort my son right now. So I ask you, man to man, would you please make my son happy again? Could you make him smile again?”

“I’ll try.” I said. “Believe me, Mr. Welland, I want to make Carter smile more than anyone. It’ll be hard now that Nathan is gone… but I will definitely try my best.”

Mr. Welland nodded to me and then joined his wife and Adrian. I watched as the limo drove off before I climbed back up the hill to join Carter.

I stood a ways away and just watched him. It pained me to see Carter hurting so much.

***

Why, Nate? Why did you leave me? Weren’t you the one who said that you wouldn’t abandon me? Weren’t you the one who told me that you wouldn’t leave me alone?

Where are you now? You lied to me Nathan. You left me alone. You abandoned me.

All these things I thought about as I looked at Nathan’s monument. “Here lies Nathan Welland. Beloved son and brother. An important part of the Welland Corporation. He will live in our souls forever.”

Heh, “Beloved brother.” I doubt anyone ever told these people that Nathan was more than a “brother” to me.

I didn’t understand why anyone would want to kill Nathan. He had no enemies. He was well liked by everyone. And to die in such a grizzly way. Raped… beaten… did Nathan want to die? He was a big man, the real bodyguard type. He could have easily overpowered two men. Just what did happened?

All these things I could think of while I looked at his monument. I clutched the bouquet of roses I had in my hand so hard that the thorns pierced my skin. I could hardly feel the pain as blood flowed from the wounds. The pain my heart hurt far more than any pain a mere bouquet of roses could have caused.

Nathan, you promised you would never leave me. You promised you would stay by my side. But look at where you are now. You’re buried six feet beneath the surface. Six feet beneath all life that you loved… six feet beneath the man you supposedly loved.

How could you die so easily when you knew that I needed you? Was I that much of a burden to you? Was taking care of me too much for you to bear, that you needed a way out?

You could have talked to me. We could always talk. You could have told me that you weren’t strong enough to help me, and that way, I would have known not to depend on you as much as I had. You didn’t have to meet such an untimely end.

So… this is my fault. I’m the reason you died. I’m the reason why you are where you are now. No one is to be blamed but me.

But now, thanks to you, I have died too. For what reason do I have to live if all it will do is cause pain, like the pain I caused you. Will others die because I have placed my problems on them? If I went to seek comfort from Chris… if I ask him to help me with my problems, will he try to die as well?

How could two people kill you so easily? How is it possible Nate?

Sigh… no… I can’t think like that. Nathan loved me, I knew that. He would tell me all the time. I loved him too but I never told him. Was that why he died? Because he thought I didn’t love him? He would be wrong… but then again… I was wrong for never telling him.

I looked up at the sky. It was cloudy, and looked like it was about to rain. Hmph… so the sky would cry too, huh? I guess Nathan was really loved that much by others too.

I could feel tears sting my eyes as the true realisation hit that I would never see Nathan’s smile again, or run my finger’s through his soft hair. I will never be able to talk to him again. I will never be able to melt into his beautiful aqua eyes. I would never feel his arms around me, his warm body pressing against mine. I will never be able to melt into his kisses again or feel his warmth inside of me. More than all of that… I would never again hear Nathan tell me that he loved me.

I tried to blink back the tears as I looked at Nathan’s monument again. I finally loosened my grip on the thorns of the roses that were now stained with my blood. I slowly brought the roses up to my mouth and gently kissed them, closing my eyes as I did so. My final kiss to Nathan. I kneeled down and leaned the roses nicely at the base of Nathan’s monument.

I stayed there for a while and then got back up. Looking at the monument one last time, I whispered, “Goodbye”.

I turned and walked away but stopped in my tracks when I saw Chris standing in front of me with a kind smile on his face.

He stretched out his hand for me to take it. It took me a while before I could. I stayed where I was, looking at his hands, trying to control my emotions, but I couldn’t hold back my tears.

I hadn’t vocalized my sadness, but a whole wave of sadness washed over me as tears began to fall, uncontrollably, down my face.

I took Chris’ hand and walked into a pair of warm arms. Chris held me tight, soothingly, kind of like what Nathan would do when I was sad and unsure. However, Chris provided me with a whole knew level of comfort and warmth that I was extremely grateful to have.

After a while, I managed to regain my composure and the two of us walked down the hill, and into a waiting limousine.

***

The night came.

The limousine that had brought Adrian, Mr. and Mrs. Welland back to the mansion, had come back to get Carter and me from the cemetery.

Carter avoided the guests as much as possible, which made Miriam royally pissed off, but we couldn’t have cared less about how she felt.

Mr. Welland had explained the situation with Carter and the guests understood that he was having a hell of a hard time dealing with Nathan’s death, which was true.

I had stayed with the guest for a while, until most of them went home. When they did, it was well into the night, and my little brother had gone to sleep. Carter was in his room. I thought it best to go check up on him, so I went to see if Adrian was sleeping okay, and then went to check up on Carter.

He was lying on his bed, night light on, eyes open, staring up at the ceiling with an arm draped over his forehead. He was completely shirtless, but still had his suit pants on. The rest of his suit, his coat, white shirt and tie, was carelessly thrown into a bundle beside the bed.

I picked up what was thrown, folded them and put them on a chair. I then carefully removed my own suit and placed them neatly with Carter’s.

I got into the bed with Carter, wearing only my under shorts, and cuddled up next to him, resting my head on his shoulder, and draping an arm around his perfect chest.

He let out a low sigh and then began to speak. “Do you know what the worst part of all of this is?”

It surprised me that Carter spoke. He hadn’t spoken to anyone since he had gotten the news that Nathan had died.

I snuggled closer to Carter as I responded. “What?”

He let out another sigh. “There were so many times… every time he would see me… whether it be when we had sex, or when we were just talking, randomly in the hallway, anywhere… he had always said ‘I love you, Carter’. Always. The worst part about all this is that even though he had said those words to me so many times… not once have I said ‘I love you’ back.”

I looked up at Carter, surprised. There was a tear that came down his face. He then got up and sat on the bed, palms of his hands covering his eyes.

“Not once, Chris.” He said again through choked back sobs. “I never told him once.”

This is a man who I thought was a heartless bastard. A man who had deceived me by making me think that he liked me. A man who had used my little brother to blackmail me, so that I could gain a debt and have no other methods to pay it off other than using my body. A man who had put me through hell. This man, Carter Welland, was now a complete wreck over the loss of his own brother, and lover, and I was here consoling him. Amazing how things can change.

But, despite all of this, there was no denying that Carter was truly human.

I got up from the bed and wrapped my arms around him. I had Carter lean into my offered shoulder and had him cry in it. I held him tight. He was trembling and sobbing like a lost little puppy.

“He knew, Carter.” I told him soothingly, while caressing his back. “Nathan knew that you loved him.”

Carter pulled out of my arms to look at me. He looked like a child. His captivating blue and green eyes were swollen and red from crying, and his face was stained with the marks of tears.

“How?” he asked.

How could he not know? I thought. How could anyone not know how much you loved him?

“The way you looked at him, Carter. The way you smiled at him. The way your eyes shown whenever you were with him. The way you were always so cheerful whenever he was around and how much of a pest you were when he wasn’t. Anyone could tell that you loved him more than anything. Anyone who couldn’t tell that you loved him was blind.”

Carter’s eyes shone slightly. I took the opportunity to kiss him on the forehead, and hold him once again as I whispered into his ear.

“You didn’t need words. Nathan knew.”

Carter put his arms around me now and held me as tightly as I held him. The tears stopped falling from his eyes. He just needed to be held.

“Can you stay with me tonight?” He asked.

I held him tighter in response.