Less Than Whole

Aloysius had learned a lot about himself after his trip to El Paso. He learned a lot about his family that he’d never known before either. Each one of them seemed to have a secret. Aloysius considered Kylie and Pablo his family, too.

Pablo’s secret was the least shocking. Pablo was gay and his lover lived in Juarez. He didn’t go home to visit family like he pretended to because they’d disowned him and had gotten the Church to excommunicate him as well, that’s why he was Lutheran now. He went home instead to visit his lover. He sent all of his savings to a joint account. He dreamed of the day when they could afford the house they wanted in Cancun and could retire together.

Aloysius could relate to Pablo’s secret. He didn’t talk about his own bisexuality with anyone except for Kylie. But now he could tell Pablo, too. It was a relief to have another person to talk to that was different like him.

Kylie’s secret he had already learned, but back at the ranch, Kylie showed him all of the transformations he was able to perform. He also started teaching him more magic and he gave him a new charm as a gift. Aloysius added the charm to his necklace. He had seven charms in all now. Kylie told him it was important that he wear them all the time. Kylie’s knowledge was impressive and by the end of a year, Aloysius understood enough about charms and hexes to create his own designs.

But his knowledge was never enough. Especially when he found out his mother and uncle’s secret. Actually, his uncle’s secret wasn’t too bad. It turned out that his uncle was an ordained monk and had temporarily left his order to help his sister out when she had her baby. He stayed on because he felt that his vocation was at the ranch now. He loved the big sky and the hard work. He felt that farm work was uplifting and a way of being in tune with the earth that God had created. Aloysius was surprised to find this out, but he had always felt that his Uncle Russ was a spiritual man.

His mother’s secrets were shocking and one was devastating. His mother had been a nun. She was a cloistered nun and had little contact with the world. Kylie had persuaded her to tell him the truth. With obvious reluctance, she sat down with her son and told him the whole story as she knew it.

“Son, I never meant to keep this from you. I just hoped I never had to tell you. I thought it would be too hard for you to bear.”

“It’s alright, Mom,” he’d said. He hugged her. She was so small! Her cloud of gray hair tickled his chin. They pulled away and she drew herself up to tell her story.

“I was a young nun. I used to spend my days tending the garden and praying at St. Maria’s. I prayed all the time and for many different things. As I got older, I began to wonder if I’d chosen my vocation too soon. I wondered if I had really been called to be a nun or if I became a nun because I was afraid of the world. I realized that I wanted a child, but I knew I would never have one. In my heart of hearts, I couldn’t even ask God about this. I was too ashamed. I felt that I was weak.

“But my desire to have a child remained. When I did talk to God about it, I prayed that my desire be set aside so that I could continue to do His work, to pray for a better world.

“I confessed my sins every week and I told my confessor of my desires. He thought that I wanted to know about sex, but that wasn’t what I wanted. He gave me many unwanted books and films about sex. I threw them all away.” She raised her head and her chin jutted out defiantly. “I found another confessor. My second confessor understood me better. He helped me pray to have greater strength in the face of my weakness. He understood that being a woman, I couldn’t help all of my desires.

“But the first priest remembered. I know he remembered, because I think he is the one who raped me.”

Aloysius was crying hearing this. “Did you hate me?”

“No! No, I was afraid sometimes that you would be like your father, but you’re not. You’re a kind person. You look like so much like me. I am not sorry I have you. In a way, the tragedy may have been God’s will: helping me have the child I couldn’t otherwise. It was a good thing in the end. But I never wanted to tell you so you wouldn’t feel like there was something wrong with you or that I didn’t want you. I did and I do.”

He didn’t want to hear more. It was hard for her to tell him these things, he could tell. He held her close and when he opened his eyes and looked up, he saw Kylie standing in the doorway. His arms were crossed and he looked taller, bigger, scarier. He said, “No, Mae, it wasn’t the priest. I told you, an incubus raped you. The priest may have summoned the demon, but it was a demon that took your virginity.”

Aloysius hugged his mother who was sobbing. Kylie came into the room, a tall dark presence. “He needs to know what he is. Let me talk to him alone.”

Mae nodded. “You’re right. You understand these things better than I do, phouka. Go with Kylie, son. He will tell you everything else that I can’t.”

Kylie took him from Mae’s room and led him out of the house. They walked along the fence, and Aloysius felt better with the sun on his face, heating his hair, making him sweat. When he rubbed his face, it looked less like he was wiping tears away.

“I don’t understand, Kylie.”

“It’s simple. You’re half-demon. It’s what I wanted to tell you for your whole life. Your mother always wanted to protect you. But I think knowing the truth is better.”

“You made her cry!” He wanted to slap Kylie, but he didn’t. He wrapped his arms around his body and felt his ribs under his hands. “You shouldn’t have made her cry,” he said quietly.

“I love your mother. She was kind to me when no one else ever was. I knew she wasn’t carrying a normal child. I knew there was something special about you, Aloysius. I told her and she knew too. She’s tried to deny it over the years, but she knew. At first, she thought maybe you were autistic since you didn’t speak until you were seven. But I knew that you were a cambion.”

“What is a cambion?”

“A half-demon. All cambions are different. It doesn’t mean you’re evil. I can see that you are worried about that. It doesn’t mean that at all. You have magic and you have a great power over people. Anyone who is sexually attracted to you will be affected by you. Even those who aren’t sexually attracted to you will want to touch you and be near you. People and creatures like me are somewhat immune, but even I want to touch you more than any other man I have been around. I’m not gay, you know.”

“I know,” Aloysius looked into the fields. Pecan trees rustled their leaves. “How do you know I’m not evil?”

“Because you’re a good person. Evil is what evil does and so forth. But there is something else you need to know. Aloysius, this isn’t easy, but it’s the truth. You only have half a soul. Your father was a demon and they don’t have souls.”

Aloysius felt his heart sink. He muttered a prayer and then said, “How can I go to Heaven then?”

Kylie laughed, throwing his head back. “I’m sorry your mom ever got you into all that Catholic and Christian nonsense. That’s all it is, I think. Don’t worry about it.”

“How can you say that?”

Kylie started to walk again, expecting Aloysius to follow. Aloysius caught up in two long strides and turned him around. “How can you say don’t worry about it? I don’t want to spend my eternity in Hell!”

Kylie removed Aloysius’s hands. “I can say that, my friend, because I have no soul. I don’t believe Heaven is real and so I don’t worry about it.”

“How can you say it’s not real? You say there are demons but no Heaven?”

Kylie shrugged. “Just because there’s evil doesn’t mean there’s good, too. Demons have been around as long as the Fae. We travel in different circles and have different goals. But for every demon I have seen, I have never seen an angel. I have never heard the voice of God and I have never believed in the book that you take as scripture. You needed to know the truth. Whatever will happen, will happen, but at least you know what you are and can deal with it.”

Kylie smiled kindly and reached up to brush stray hairs out of Aloysius’s eyes. Aloysius didn’t know what to think. He felt as if the edges of the world were encroaching in his vision, like the horizons of the world were shrinking and squeezing closer to him: like this knowledge would crush him. He leaned forward and hugged Kylie tightly and was glad to feel his friend clutch him tightly back.

This would have been enough for Aloysius: to know everyone’s big secrets. They had all come out and it was big, and a lot of room for thought. But it wasn’t the biggest secret.

Aloysius’s mother finally told him the next day that she had cancer.

* * *

Mae’s deterioration was terribly fast. Six months after she told him she had cancer, she died. Aloysius had been asleep upstairs, having changed places with his uncle. All of them had taken turns sitting with his mother after she came home to die. The hospice nurse was there and she’d been the one who had run upstairs, calling “Miho! Miho!” and then shaking him out of his dreamless sleep.

He couldn’t believe it. But it was true. Staring at her lifeless body was terrible, hopeless. He turned away and sat down in the kitchen. He remembered all kinds of stupid little things that had happened during her illness. He remembered emptying her bedpan and the terrible smell of urine. He remembered watching cooking shows with her when she was weak from the chemotherapy. He remembered the salty, wrong taste of her skin whenever he kissed her forehead. He remembered that for as much faith as she had, she had been afraid as she was dying. She clutched her rosary tightly and was afraid.

He went through the motions of the wake and the funeral. Mae had been well loved in Pecas. Her wake had a line of people going out the door, wanting to see her empty body that had too much makeup and her mouth set into a tight, thin line.

There was so much he wished he had said and done before she died. He wished he knew for sure that she was still somewhere, watching over him. He had never imagined this day would ever happen.

Kylie slipped his arm around him and let Aloysius lean on him at the funeral. When her body was lowered into the wet ditch of the gravesite, Aloysius couldn’t take it anymore. He turned and ran.

When Kylie caught up with him, Aloysius was heaving, panting. He felt nauseous and wished he could throw up and turn himself inside-out. When he got his breath back, he said, “I’m leaving Pecas. I’m going to find my father.”

“I’ll go with you.”

“Thanks, Kylie, but you should stay and help Uncle Russ and Pablo.”

“Maybe. But they can hire some more hands. I’m coming with you. You need someone who knows a little about the unseen world. I’ll help you. Your mother would have wanted that.”

Aloysius nodded. He wiped his forehead, feeling cold and clammy. “Thank you, brother.”