Gender Dysphoria: How it Feels to Live a Lie

Chapter VIV

Savannah’s POV……

Boy, did I have a blast last night. Ian is the sweetest guy I’ve ever met. I decided to spend the night at his place. First, he took me out to dinner. It was a really snazzy place okay, 5-star, complete with the suit and tie policy, hors d'oeuvres not appetizers, and all those unnecessary extra forks and spoons. I didn’t know what to make of the place. It was definitely at a level I’d never been able to achieve. Neither did Ian. And that’s what made it okay, ya know? The atmosphere was out of our league, but we made that to our advantage. WE made fun of THEM. After our dinner we stopped at Burgers R Us and got some real food before we spent the rest of the night dancing the night away. Too drunk and tired to do anything else, we crashed on his bed and fell asleep. That morning, however, was mindblowing. Ian LOVED anal sex, which was fine with me…..kept me from having to explain why we always fucked from the back. Ian and I had been dating for well over a year and we couldn’t be any more perfect for each other. I left no clues or items that would put who I really am under suspicion and he never assumed anything. It was perfect.

My fun-filled night and passion-filled morning left me pretty damn hungry. I drove back home, showered, dressed in my new light pink print dress and made my way to Gwen’s apartment to see if she wanted to grab a bite. It had been over a year since Gwen’s newfound “I’ve got plans” spiff started, I should’ve been used to it by now……I wasn’t. I missed my friend, my Gwenie-poo. Maybe she wasn’t gonna be busy that morning and we could hang out all day like we used to and make Carlos mad again cause she spent all her day with me.

Hmmm. That was odd. Gwen never would never leave her front door open like that. Maybe it was a slip of the mind. “Gwen?!” I called from the open door. No answer. I frowned as I shut the door behind me and began to walk around. No Gwen in the kitchen, no surprise there, she can’t cook worth shit. Don’t tell her I told you that. She wasn’t napping on her couch in the tv room. “Gwen?!” I just stood there in the middle of the apartment. That’s when I saw it. I looked to the floor and saw blots of red that sprinkled against the cream color of the carpet. “Gwen?!”

*moan*

Scared, I rushed into her bedroom and looked around. Clothes I remember her wearing the day before were still folded up neatly in a chair. Her bed looked slept in, but…….where was SHE? That’s when I looked to the floor by the side of the bed opposite from me. I saw feet…..her feet. “Gwen!” Running to the other side of the bed, I saw her. And what I saw immediately brought tears to my eyes. Her always cute heart shaped face was covered in bruises and dried blood. There was a cut on her lip and above her eyebrow. I’m sure there were more bruises on her body, but the large sweat shirt she was wearing covered that. Lying on her side, her arms flailed about her, her sweatpants were pulled down her legs. Once smooth, and shapely thighs, now had carried deep bruises that looked the shape of handprints. How could someone do this to her? Gwen was such a beautiful person, inside and out, it made no sense to hurt her. I wanted to know who did this but in a way I didn’t. Deep in the back of my mind, I knew who did it…….I just couldn’t admit it.

Her lids opened slowly and I saw, once heavenly almond eyes, look upon me with eyes bloodshot red. “Gwen, honey…..” I reached a hand down to her to rub her head. She freaked out.

“No. No! Don’t! Leave me alone!”

I dodged swinging hands as I tried to calm her down. Obviously, she wasn’t in her right mind. “Gwen! Gwen, it’s me, honey! It’s Savannah!” I finally grabbed her frantic hands and pulled her towards me, holding her close. She began to cry. “Shhhh. It’s okay. It’s okay. You’re gonna be alright.”

I called an ambulance.

***

Gwen’s POV……


Pain. Pain was the first thing I remembered feeling when I woke up. It wasn’t a little pain either. It was a deep pain…….a throbbing, uncontrollable, inconceivable pain. The next thing I felt was heartache. Carlos and I were over. I got that memo when he beat me bloody in my own home. That pain would take longer to heal than the bruises. Carlos wasn’t just some guy I made into my boyfriend…….he was special. But it wasn’t meant to be. Carlos wasn’t who I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I guess that would teach me to never put all my eggs into one basket.

I opened my eyes and I was met with big brown doe eyes. I smiled at the youngster, an oxygen tube around my nose. “Hi Robert.” I spoke softly.

“Hey.”

“How’d you find out I was here?”

“I stopped by the hotel, cause………well, I wanted to see you. I had asked Tony for your home address but he told me you weren’t there……that you were here…..” he ducked his head down and sighed. “Who did this to you?” Anger fueled his voice. “I’ll kill’em Gwen, I swear. I’ll….”

“Robert.” I scolded.

“I’m sorry.”

“You know what I want?” I lifted my hand to his chin to make him look at me. “I want you to come right here and hold me.”

That seemed to brighten him up. “Really?”

“Really. Though I could understand if you don’t want to. I look rather repulsive right now.”

He shook his head. “Not true. I think you look as beautiful as Christmas morning.” He said with the deepest sincerity in his eyes. I saw no humor in his face when he said that. *sigh* it’s a real shame those kids pick on him at school…….he is perfect boyfriend material.

Robert moved onto the hospital bed and I slid over to give him room as he laid down next to me. I wrapped my arms around his waist and put my head on his chest and he wrapped his arms around me. Robert was in hog-heaven, I could tell. His hold on me was snug and unyielding and his chin dropped to the top of my head. And I wouldn’t have felt as comfortable with anybody else. Though he was only an eighteen year old high school senior, I felt so safe with him. He was just a few inches taller than me, with a lean, sturdy body and the gentlest hands I’d ever felt. Why don’t I date him? Why not? I mean, it’s only a two year difference between us……..I don’t know. It just wouldn’t feel right. Robert had quickly developed into an important person in my life. We had a……a special relationship a…..a unique connection and I was too scared to mess with that. He and my brother are the only men in my life that haven’t turned away from me and I wanted to put no type of damage to it.

His fingers gently massaging my head, lulled me back to sleep.

***

“Ahem.” I opened my eyes to see Savannah standing by the door of my hospital room. She carried a bag from IHOP and a big goofy ass grin on her face. “My, my, my. What do we have here?” she looked at Robert, who apparently had dozed off too, loosen his grip on me to rub his eyes. “You don’t waste time, do you Gwen?”

“Oh shut up. This is my friend Robert. Robert, this is my best friend, Savannah.”

She extended a hand to him. Robert shook it. “Hi, Robert. You are just the cutest thing. How old are you?”

“Eighteen.”

“Eight……eighteen!” Savannah’s eyes grew two sizes larger. “You’re robbing the cradle a bit, aren’t you Gwenie-poo?”

I rolled my eyes. “Eighteen is legal last I checked, Savannah. And we’re just friends……we haven’t done anything.”

“You haven’t done anything? Can I have him then?” she smiled her big dimpled smile at Robert who began to blush.

“Hell no you cant have him. Even though we haven’t done anything, he’s still mine, so no touching.”

She sighed dramatically. “Oh fine. Look, I bought some breakfast. I’ve got pancakes, sausage, bacon, eggs and orange juice for you and a delicious omelet and coffee for me. Hungry?”

I slowly sat up in bed and ran fingers through unruly brunette hair. “I could eat something.”

Robert started to move off the bed. “I’d better go.”

“You don’t have to go.” I said. “You can sit here with us and I can share my breakfast with you.”

“Or I could feed you some of mine.” Savannah winked at him.

“Savannah.” I called. She was such a flirt.

Robert straightened his shirt, trying to smooth out the wrinkles formed during our sleep. “Na. that’s okay. I really need to go anyway. My parents are probably wondering where I am. I’ll see you later.”

Fighting the sore pains in my body, I got out of bed to kiss him on the cheek and give him a hug. “Thank you for checking up on me.”

“Sure.”

When he left, I crawled back in bed and Savannah served me my breakfast. “So, you wanna tell me what happened?”

I bit into a piece of bacon. “Happened with what? Robert?”

My blonde friend suddenly stopped cutting at her large omelet and looked up at me. “Don’t play dense, Gwen. You know what I’m talking about.”

“There isn’t too much I can say.”

“There’s plenty you can say. It was him, wasn’t it? It was Carlos.” when she watched me drink my juice and make no effort to answer her, she knew she was right. “I knew it. How did he find out?”

“I was at……he….” Could I tell her the truth? it’s not that I would think that she would judge me or anything, cause a lot of girls like me are doing this and worse……it’s just that I’m too ashamed to tell her that I’M doing it. I didn’t want her to know that I had become so desperate to be a full woman, I’d actually sell my body to do so.

“I was coming out of this place called Zelda’s the other night and he spotted me. He knew that place was for transgender people and he questioned me about it.”

“And he beat you.” She commented.

“Yeah……” I bit my lip. “Savannah, do you think Carlos will tell…..my T?”

She shook her head. “I really doubt it. If he were to tell your T, then he’d have to explain what he was doing with a tranny anyway. He wouldn’t spill the beans on you at the expense of outing himself and his relationship with you.”

I shook my head, tears forming in my eyes. “I hoped against hope that he would be different. That he would be one of the guys that didn’t care what I was……..that just loved ME. I guess I was wrong. Maybe I’m asking for too much in a guy.”

“Asking for a guy that would love you for being you is not too much, Gwen. that’s mediocre compared to what some women ask for. Some women are so picky, 20 years later, their asses are still single.”

I started to laugh, but soon my inner heartache I’d been complaining about earlier kicked in full force and I started to cry. Savannah quickly put down her plate, moved mine out the way and held me.

“I’m so tired of people hating me. I’ve been hated all my life……..it just hurts so bad.”

Savannah rubbed my back. “They’re all just pricks, Gwenie. With us type girls, it’s a requirement that we develop a tough skin, because there’s no doubt about it…….we’re gonna get hurt—physically or mentally, doesn’t really matter. What we do is we brush it off and keep going. We have to, otherwise we’d never reach our goals.” She pulled back from me and looked me square in the eyes. “Don’t let people like Carlos kill your spirit. You’re a beautiful person, Gwen. You’re kind and at times overly protective, and you’re the best friend a girl could have. Never stop being you.”

I hugged her again. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I love you, girly.”

I smiled. “I love you too.”