Forbidden Memories

Fall shivered and lent back, letting out a soft sigh. His head he tilted and fixed onto the far wall, tongue flickering over his lips. Damn it. Tongue flickered over his lips. Eyes slipped shut and he wriggled some, oddly enough not enjoying the close proximity for once. It was unsettling, Cyn had been brought to the foremost of his mind and there was little he could do about that. So very little. The man, when Fall thought about him, clouded his thoughts filled every tiny passage so that everytime he closed his face he saw those liquid silver eyes that bored straight down into his soul. Head leant back against the chair, baby blues looking towards the ceiling. \"KC, I don\'t want you to have to pay for me. There are *others* out there that can make you happier than I ever can. I know I get under people\'s skin. It\'s my job, I know people can\'t get me out their head. That\'s my job...I...I\'m sorry for getting under your skin. Real sorry.\"

Pulling away his carmel eyes flashing. Lifting his hand to run through his brown hair. Standing up, he pulled off the gown and tossed it aside, going back into the bathroom, putting his old dirty clothes on. \"I won\'t be bothering you anymore then.\" His tone firm, hidding the sadness beneath. Gaze meeting his momentarily. \"It wasn\'t your job when I knew you, but then you aren\'t the person I used to know are you?\" It was a retorical question, didn\'t require an answer. Sitting down on the bed he grabbed his tattered shoes and put them on. His eyes closed and his body shivered. Unsure if he could deal with the pain of just walking out. \"No reason for you to be sorry, you\'re selfish remember. You take what you can get to stay off the streets. Now you\'re under someone\'s control, if you don\'t follow someone dies or something worse. This is why I perfer the street, if I die - let it be doing what I know how to do. Some fat son of a bitch behind a dumpster, breaking my arm or ankle, whatever I can deal. Always have. I\'ll never let you go though Damion, now I know you\'re alive and that is enough for me.\" A sob escaped his his lips and he slowly stood as though to move for the door but couldn\'t seem to go.

....Fall stayed silent. What the hell was he supposed to say? Whether he stayed or went was KC\'s choice. Fall was just Fall, he dropped his head, shivering. Damn it, what was he supposed to say? What did KC want? Fall wanted him to stay, off the streets, take the job and take the damned house or whatever else he needed. But if KC was to stay, he wanted Fall to be with him, it was achingly obvious. And, frankly, Fall couldn\'t do that. He was Cyn\'s, mind body and most of his soul. He\'d had to give up some of his soul to Zaile recently, damn that man was persuasive. Teeth caught his lower lip and pulled them, the pricking at the back of his eyes something Fall wasn\'t used to. \"You want me to run away with you, is that it? Or you want me to over throw Cyn and take over his domain with you At my side? i can\'t even fucking *read* KC, let alone run a domain. Too many powerful people have strangle holds on me, my face is too well known in the underground circuits. The only way I could dissapear is if I went six feet under! Fuck man! Yes, I\'m selfish whore, I always fucking was! Why the hell do you think I let myself be fucking Spike\'s cock warmer! Why don\'t you just fucking hate me already?!\" Voice was snapping, was was breaking but he was shouting nonetheless.

Moving over to him, he caught Fall by the wrist. \"No, I\'m not asking for you to run away with me, or take anything over. Hell I\'m not asking anything. Just trying to deal with the pain. I was always gentle with you, because I couldn\'t stand to hurt you, because damn you had my heart.\" Pulling him from the chair back against the window, looking deep in his eyes. Hand fell away from him. \"See I\'m weak when it comes to you, I can\'t take what I want from you because, it would be pretend.\" His head lowered \"So stop yelling at me, try to understand me for once. I go back on the streets and I let myself get fucked over and over, because I was saving up hoping you\'d come back, then I could buy us a decent place. Maybe I\'m not the only person who gives a fuck about you, I don\'t know, but damn...does any of that even matter to you?\" His body was shivering with anger now, but his voice never raised and he never raised a hand to hurt Fall even though he was seeing red. All he wanted to know was did his effort and suffering for the youth even matter? Or did it mean nothing to him? Part of him wanted to throw the boy on the bed and take him, but of course he had never had the heart to hurt the boy. Plus he *now* he would be worried about the man Fall was with now. Though as he said before - he would die for the youth.

Fall shivered, fear flooding through for a moment when he saw the anger in those eyes. Oh gods, yes, please, hurt me, hit me. Rape me, give me anything apart from this...this...guilt! Hands found the window panes, the cold glass something delicious against the burning in his finger tips. Yes? no? Should he scream that no, it didn\'t matter, that he was whoreing bitch and had no soul, no feelings, no reality? Like he pretended so often, living his life like that and pretending it *so* hard that sometimes, sometime it was true? or should he just break down like he wanted to, for the first time since forever, let those knees that were threatening to shake, shake, and the hot pricks at the back of his eyes begin to fall? Eyes dropped. \"I\'m not worth it.\" he whispered softly, looking away, head dropping a little. \"I mean, damn KC...I don\'t understand why, you make me want to cry when you say things like that, because you\'re so nice, so gentle. You deserve someone the same, someone who can be with you with no issues, who could...who could live in that little house with you and bring in honest money and could cook and clean and make love to you without the fear of being caught out and you wouldn\'t have to deal with...deal with someone like. Like Me. With my issues, my baggage, and the whole entoruage of *shit* that follows me around everywhere like a bad smell...I don\'t deserve all this love...\"

\"Tell that to my heart, I can\'t control how I feel believe me, I have fucking tried.\" Hands moved and grasped Fall\'s wrists pinning them against the window, leaning in and kissing him deeply. God forbid lovingly. KC hated himself for this. Right now this is what he wanted, just to have Fall for just a little while. He wasn\'t being the least bit rough in the way he had the youth\'s hands against the window. The kiss held everything he had ever felt toward the boy, an onslaught of emotions. Even a bit of the hatred he always he held for Spike for the way he had always treated D -- err Fall. He should just let go and walk away it would be the best idea, forget that Fall was alive, let the whore keep whoring since that seemed to be what he wanted, but he couldn\'t, he wanted to stay around, Even if he only saw the youth when he wasn\'t with the Cyn person. He knew how much Fall hated to be alone and he wouldn\'t let the youth be alone if he could help it. Kisses trailed over his cheek to the youth\'s ear and slowly down his neck, taking in that so familar flavor. KC wasn\'t thinking anymore he was reacting. Whispering against the youth\'s neck \"For once D. let go. Just let go.\" His thumbs caressed the pulse of the youths wrists as he contined to hold them against the window.

Eyes went wide at the kiss, whimpering a little and sagging some. Then the kisses on the neck. Sweet heaven he was drowning. Teeth found his lower lip and his head leant back against the window. Oh sweet heaven. Swallowing nervously, the youth let out a small groan, those tiny kisses on his neck almost too much to bare. it was happening again,he was tumbling, he was falling and he was loosing control. But that was what KC wanted, wasn\'t it? For Fall to relinquish his blood tight grip on his need for control, to control people through sex and with his body and looks. \"Oh God KC, I can\'t remember how...\" he whispered. It had taken so long to learn this, to figure out that he could control the extent to which people hurt him with sex. So long, and he;d done it now for so long he forgot what it meant to just....to just let go, as KC was asking. A quiver ran through his body, which evidently knew what it wanted, what it needed, his arousal pretty much instantianious. But his mind, oh god his mind was ticking over everything at a hundred miles an hour. Wanted this, but bad idea, wanted this, but it would hurt in the long run no doubt. Oh god, it would. You open your heart and admit something like caring or love for someone, and everything fell apart. Cos people knew then that you had a weakness, could Fall survive that?

The kisses continued against his neck, another whisper \"Your secrets are my secrets D. I would never hurt you, you once trusted me.\" His teeth gently grazed against the youth\'s neck, nipping sweetly. \"Just for a little while, just for me.\" KC would never tell anyone anything that happened in here, hell he was a stone fortress when it came to secrets, a memory took his mind of the one time Fall had to nurse him back to health because Spike had beat him to a pulp over one simple question, did he sleep with him? He would never admit it because he didn\'t want the youth hurt, but Spike knew it anyway. Gently he adjusted so that his right hand held both of the youth\'s above his head and his left slid down his chest under the robe, nails gently grazing over nipples and twisting soo softly. Slowly lower loosing the robe, hand splaying over his cute stomach. Kisses along his neck became more frevored moving to the spot between neck and shoulder sucking lightly, but not enough to leave a mark - still not wanting to get the youth in trouble.

It was like their first time. When KC had whispered that he should trust him, that he should just...relax. That everything would be ok. Oh gods. Eyes slipped shut, one single crystaline droplet had spilled and tumbled down his cheek. \"Ah, KC...\" He was powerless though, wasn\'t he? Powerless against KC, powerless to deal with him. A sharp breath was drawen in, arching, stomach twisting a little under KC\'s hand. Ah, touch me. Stroke me, kiss me, love me...All these thoughts tore through his mind, teeth biting on his lower lip, hands in KC\'s grip forming into fists. As every second ran past, his ache and need began to excalate. To grow. Head tilted to the suckle on the neck. \"KC, oh god KC...KC....\" He swallowed nervously. Teeth pulled on his lower lip, toes curling a little. Take me, Take me...but he never said it did he? No, it was what KC wanted to hear, it was exactly that, but it couldn\'t fall past his lips. Co-herent speech wasn\'t happening. \"Hn...Ha...\" Shuddering breaths, the concept of thought fading away.