Band of Rusty Gold

Disclaimer: As usual, this is total bollocks. The guys never did this. We never did this. If we did, we\'d be in trouble. Maybe even jail. The original text has not been changed. We\'re sorry. And chapter 10 was a really short chapter before GSC got their hands on it. Sorry. Again.

10 - More Than Just \"Okay\", You Dumb Wench

*Craig\'s just been ushered in by the Special Unit of the Mary-Sue Extermination Army. Lij is busy on the floor, kissing his toes.*

Craig: While you\'re down there, Lij-

*zzzzip*

Craig: Eager, aren\'t you?

Lij: *can\'t reply*

Orli: *crawling over the back of his seat into the next row* Christ, that\'s fuckin\' hot.

//Chapter 10: The other way//

Orli: *waving a hand at the screen* Oh, just wait a friggin\' minute will ya! I\'m watching somethin\' else!

//“What did they say?” the young girl with choppy hair said as she stood in front of the
man, her light blue eyes reasoning with his.//

Lij: *finished with Craig* *climbs over Orli*

Orli: Righhhhht therrrrre..

Lij: Fuck off. I\'m watching this shite. It\'s about me. In fact, I\'m the only thing in it that\'s worth watching.

Orli: *too busy staring at Lij\'s backside*

Craig: *finds a seat* All in the eyes, then? Who\'s the young girl with choppy hair? Does she have a name? Does the man have a name? Why do I even care?

//“She said thanks” He shrugged and lifted his brows “What else?” he asked.//

Lij: Now I\'m talking to myself. *straightens up a bit*

Orli: Lifting your brows easier than lifting weights then, Lij?

//“Their names, ya know Lij//

Lij: Ah, shit.

Craig: Still clinging onto the false hope that it wouldn\'t be you?

//it would be great if you could get your sorry ass up and
actually venture out and meet new people, she left you it’s over” the lady said almost
shouting at her older brother.//

Orli: So Hannah\'s noble, *and* a domineering bitch? I like her. Shame she\'s a girl.

Lij: *gapes* *jumps Orli and beats him about the head with spare cop porn*

Orli: I meant it in a nice way! Honest!

Craig: Do you think you could almost shout a bit louder? Can\'t quite hear you.

Orli: ALRIGHT, I TAKE IT BACK! I know she\'s cute. And fwuffy. And mostly cute.

Lij: Don\'t forget it.

//The man with sparkling blue eyes looked down and ruffled a frustrated hand//

Orli: The hand probably needed a cancer stick or something. To chill out.

Craig: No, apparently all it needs is a good ruffling.

//through his
tousled hair//

Orli: Already tousled? That was a bit of a waste of time then, wasn\'t it? *ruffles Lij\'s hair* Yep. Still looks the same.

Craig: *swings legs onto the seat in front* *wiggles toes*

Lij: *eyes Craig\'s toes* *leans over and sucks Craig\'s toes*

Craig: EARGH! GERROFF! Some fucking *WARNING* would be nice. You fucking foot fetishist weirdo.... er.. no offence, Horny Bones.

Horny Bones: *sniffs* I don\'t have a foot fetish, who me, no way! *head laugh* (*nods to Coupling*)

Craig: Riiiiiiiigh-t.

//“I don’t know if i can, Han!” he glared at her and continued his way back to
the small guest house on the other side of the large, pure looking pool.//

Orli: Looked pure, but wasn\'t. It was the dirtiest ho\' of a pool this side of the Atlantic.

Lij: We\'re in New Zealand.

Orli: That side then. Feckin\' picky bastard.

//Hannah gave a
light huff//

Orli: *gives a dark huff* *points at huff* Woah, guys. Check that out. It\'s so COOL.

Craig: *eyes Orli. Thinks about calling in the Marty-Stan extermination Unit for him.*

//and shook her head as she watched her heart broken brother trudge back to
his cave//

Lij: Ug fucking Ug.

Orli: Caveman!Lij. That\'ll drive the bunnies wild.

Lij: I can\'t be heartbroken. It was just a cake. Jeez.

//as she continued to hose down the tropical plants in the blooming garden.//

Craig: Oh so *THAT\'s* what she\'s doing. Thanks for clearing that up.

Orli: If anyone comes out with a pun about hoses and blooming, I\'m outta here.

Lij: *looks at Craig. Looks at Orli* *sighs* Oh, alright then.

//He stepped into his small, cluttered house. feeling fed up and weak why was he always
like this after breaking up with a women he had finally built his confidence up with but
was only shattered. why was he so unlucky with love?, he considered it as a curse.//

Craig: A hundred points. to whoever can spot. the very obvious mistakes in that sentence. Or that/those sentences. I\'m not quite sure...

Lij: Jeez-us. *sarcastically* Can we have a clue?

Craig: How DO you break up with *a* women? A *woman*, I could understand. And I might even say that was a forgiveable typo if the \'e\' was anywhere near the \'a\' on a normal keyboard. But, as we all know, Mary-Sues own strange, special keyboards. It\'s just so very wrong. And that\'s the first time I ever saw a question mark followed by a full-stop. Well, okay. Not the first. There was that other incident with the Mary-Sue back in 2002. *sighs*

Orli: Would you like a post-bad-punctuation-and-grammar-stress-disorder erasing shag?

Craig: Yes, please. Oh, before I forget. Why is Lij wearing a school uniform? And why are you wearing his FMS (tm) shirt?

Orli: *shrugs* I could ask why you haven\'t looked in the bag to see if there\'s an outfit for you.

Craig: *looks in bag* Oooh. Cop uniform.

Orli: Where was that hiding? *watches Craig undress, shags him, Craig gets dressed again. In cop uniform. Barefoot.*

// He
flopped down on the grey, soft couch. But the girl next door was pretty OK and he
managed a slight smile.//

Lij: A-HA! The ol\' \'girl-next-door\' line. Fucking Mary fucking Sues.

//Elijah Wood, a twenty-two year old actor from Hollywood. Recognised by his wide set,
crystal like blue eyes and wide, gentle smile.//

Orli: The wide boy of L.A.

Lij: Just in case I forgot who I was, eh?

// Girls would fling themselves at his feet, they
worshipped the ground he walked and would do anything for a quick fling with the young
man./ Cra Craig: *looks at Lij* You never told us about this.

Lij: *re-reads last line about ten times* Um...girls never fling themselves at my feet.

Orli: They can\'t get past your Dom: bodyguard, personal shield, impenetrable fan-girl proof barrier.

Lij: That\'s what I shag him for. Hmm...they worship the ground I walk? *considers going traipsing through a sewer, just for a laugh*

// But that was the thing he couldn’t find the perfect girl, even though she didn’t exist//

Craig: Well, yes. That would make finding her kind of difficult.

Lij: Grammar?

Craig: Oh, I\'m not even fucking bothering with that any more. I think everyone\'s got the message.

//but he wanted a serious relationship none of this first crush type, he wanted a girl to
take home to mum.//

Lij: Actually, I prefer to take my mom bunches of flowers. She appreciates them more than random girls.

Orli: *in ehivil type voice* He wanted a girl to take home for mum...TO COOK! Mwahaha. Ha.

Lij: Eeeeew.

//~***'/

Craig: Wha-?

Orli: I felt it was time the stars and wiggly lines got a comment. They\'re the most well-spelled and thought-provokingly written part of the story. I mean...the sheer connotations...

Lij: Uh...

Craig: Orli?

Orli: *zoned out*

//“So what did he look like?”//

Craig: Some scene-setting BEFORE dialogue would be really nice on occasion. Because, right there, she could be talking about...oh, I don\'t know...The Grinch. John Lennon. David Beckham. Meat Loaf in Rocky Horror Picture Show. Me.

//“Blue eyes and i think he had brown hair”//

Lij: This is just a random guess, but I\'d say they\'re talking about me.

// Ally mumbled as she ped ped through the black
and white sheets of the newspaper.//

Lij: I prefer those newspapers that have their sheets in GSC colours.

//“Young or old?” Shalini asked with pure interested.//

Lij: I\'m not making another pure/diluted joke. Or a joke about virginity. Or a joke about cleanliness and personal hygiene. I\'m just going to point out, in the style of SugaryLime, that that sentence is so very, very wrong dot com.

//“He was old and had worts on his face,//

Orli: *zoning back in* What the fuck is a wort? Do you think she meant words? Because I\'d love to write on your face, Lij. With my tongue.

Lij: That is *so* old. Viggo\'s done that in, let me see, about ten thousand different fics.

// he dribbled slightly and had a sty on his left eye//

Craig: He had some difficulty holding it up most days. But he had really, really strong eyebrows.

//and walked with a limp, and he spat when he talked” Ally said with a smile, totally out of
interest.//

Orli: You do spit when you talk, Lij.

Craig: And you definitely walk with a limp when you leave my place in the morning.

Lij: *dreamy-eyed* Mmmm-hmmm...

//Shalini rolled her eyes//

Lij: Which collided with one of the GSC girls\' eyes in Vengeance.

Skydiver: *stamping her foot* This rolling of eyes has got to stop! There\'s going to be a serious accident one day and I\'m not taking responsibility for it. Fucking Mary Sues.CaptCaptain Obvious: *sidelong glance at Skydiver. Skydiver glances back. She grabs her and pashing ensues*

// “Come on Al, was he hot?” she said getting back into the wing of
questions.//

Lij: The wing of questions? Huh? Just...fucking....HUH?

Orli: *as Shalini* Bet he wasn\'t as hot as your ex-husband, the famous theatre director, who I\'m secretly fucking behind your back. *more nods to Vengeance* Except I can\'t now, because you dragged me all the fucking way to L.A. just so you can give therapy to lipstick and black nail-polish. Bi-atch.

Craig: *as Ally* Was he hot? Hmm... I don\'t know. You think I take a fucking thermometer with me everywhere I go?

//“He was OK” Ally shrugged as she read the articles.//

Orli: More than fucking *okay* you dumb wench!

Lij: \"He was okay,\" Ally shrugged, as she pretended to read the articles while in fact checking out the pretty pictures.

//“What’s wrong, you usually can’t stop chatting about men” Shalini said and nudged a
focused Ally.//

Craig: Waaaaaait a minute. This is the same Ally who hates men because she thinks they\'re all like her ex-husband?

Lij: Do not question the logic of the author. I thought we\'d all been told that?

Craig: Sorry. I was having a pedantic moment.

//Ally looked up and shook her head “He didn’t interest me Shal, that’s all”//

Orli: *as Shalini* Yeah, uh-huh. Right, whatever.

//“OK, OK, don’t bite me, please”//

Lij: Instead...bite me. And I mean that in a bad way.

// she said dramatically and then laughed “So your going
the other way once again”//

Craig: And there it is. The title reference. Thrown in merely to explain the title. And not because it actually means anything.

// she said but sighed as Ally gave a slight shrug of her broad
shoulders. //

Orli: What the fuck? Has she gone all masculine on us now?

Lij: *wondering if it should read \'a broad shrug of her slight shoulders\', despite the fact it would make even less sense.* Well, that\'s that over and done with. I\'m gonna go and see what\'s going on outside. *creeps over to door and pulls it open a fraction of an inch. Craig and Orli come over and stand either side of him, peeking out as well.*

-OUTSIDE-

*Field-Marshal SugaryLime marches up and the Mary-Sue Extermination Army Special Unit stand to attention*

F.M. SugaryLime: At fucking ease, troops. How\'s it fucking going?

Lieutenant HornyBones: Well, sir...ma\'am...urm...sir...

F.M. SugaryLime: Just fucking sir will do, soldier.

Lieutenant HornyBones: Well, sir. You see...I\'ve been thinking about my superhero name and...well...HornyBones is sounding a bit weird to me. I\'ve got nothing against it, at all. But...well...Captain Obvious thought of something cooler. Plus my new name could lead to all sorts of really dangerous and daring escapades.

F.M. SugaryLime: Fucking spit it out soldier.

Lieutenant HornyBones: Lieutenant Arson?

F.M. Sugary Lime: Fuck that. I\'m giving you a promotion. General Arson. Sounds much fucking better. *grins*

General Arson: Yay!!

Captain Obvious: Captain Obvious and General Arson? Sounds like a proper comic-book duo.

Skydiver of the Paratroopers: Just be warned. If you start wearing your pants on the outside of your fishnet stockings, I might paint them. \'Cause I can.

Blistergirl, Commander of the Camouflage and Whip Platoon: The theatre door is slightly ajar. *returns to pashing Orli through the gap of the slightly ajar theatre door*

Captain Obvious: Leave this to me. *strides over to theatre back door, nudging Blistergirl carefully away* You three! Get back in there now! No coming out till the next chapter. Maybe. All right? Except you, Elijah Wood! You stay!

Skydiver of the Paratroopers: *moon-eyed* That\'s my girl.

F.M. SugaryLime: I might have to fucking demote her to a fucking drill sergeant. That voice!

General Arson: Yes. She does shout pretty good, doesn\'t she?

-BACK INSIDE-

Lij: Fucking mad. All fucking mad.

Orli: They\'re protecting our asses. And don\'t you forget it.

Lij: *mumbles* Oh, yeah. I\'m soooo grateful.

Craig: *pashes Lij to stop him sulking*


~end.

Now we just have to wait for more postings. The tension mounts.