Im Nobody

It started when I was 10, maybe? Maybe younger I couldn’t say. If I had to guess though, I was 10 when I watched my first porno. At first, it was strange. There was a pretty lady on the screen, her shirt was off and she was wearing skinny underwear. It went up into her butt and looked uncomfortable like a wedgie. She was sitting on a brown couch and rubbing her chest with oil. The way she felt at her breast and pulled her nipples looked painful but she was making noises like it felt good. At first, I wanted to look away. This is bad… I shouldn’t be watching this. It’s for grown-ups, I shouldn’t be watching. That is what I thought but I couldn’t look away. The lady spread her legs open and rubbed her privates over her underwear which wasn’t covering much. She threw her head back moaning as she touched herself, toes curling and panting in ecstasy. It made my heart race, watching her. I felt my pants tightening as she continued fondling herself so provocatively on the screen. As if prompted by someone off-camera she stood up and slowly slid off her panties while looking back and biting her lip with a smile. The sense that this sexual display was just for me was only a childlike thought I learned, later on, to not be true. 

A naked man appeared on screen and grabbed the lady by the back of her neck. I jumped at his forcefulness as he pushed her to the ground and rubbed his private parts all over her face. The lady just smiled and opened her mouth wide, sticking her tongue out as far as it could, as he slapped himself against it. Young and wide-eyed I soaked up the scene like a sponge, shifting uncontrollably in my seat as my privates felt weird and I became more aware of myself. The man slid his large member into the lady’s mouth holding two fist fulls of her hair as he practically suffocated her with his erection. The lady choked and gagged her eyes rolling back and face turning bright red. At that point I wanted to cover my eyes… it seemed painful what he was doing and she didn’t look like she enjoyed it. When he pulled out she gasped and coughed with a smile looking up from her knees and begging him for more of his cock. He slapped her face with it and told her to lie down on the couch. She laid down with her feet in the air and head hanging off, her hair grazing the tile flooring. The man now on his knees held her by the back of her neck and proceeded to put his member down her throat once more. The camera angle from above the scene surely made it seem like he would tear her a new esophagus as he thrust in and out of her mouth. I turned my head as he started to slap her bare chest, the sound of heavy slapping making me deeply uncomfortable. I couldn’t bring myself to look back as the moan grew louder and the heavy clapping noise of skin against skin filled the room. I didn’t want to watch anymore… I didn’t like this kind of movie.

“You’re missing the best part,” like a bellowing voice through the moans. I looked too my stepfather unamused. He turned my head back to the screen and made me watch as the lady spread her legs and the man thrusted himself in and out of her private areas vigorously. The lady seemingly lost her mind as he pulled her hair and spit on her, calling her names. My stepfather ran his fingers through the back of my short curly brown hair and I could see him rubbing himself from the corner of my eye. I tightened my hands to my side and pursed my lips as he leaned closer to me breathing on my neck.

This man was the only father I’ve ever known, at the time I didn’t know that what we were doing was wrong. If you’d asked me then, I’d just assumed that this is what all boys did with their dads. That all dads rubbed your chest and your privates as you watched movies together. That all dads kissed you on the lips and used their tongues when it was just you two alone. All dads gave you a massage and you did the same for them. It wasn’t wrong then… it only hurt sometimes. It was a secret that all dads and their sons kept together. A secret that made your mother despise you, a secret that made you dread each day, a secret that made you hate yourself. When you’re young… you’re just so naive.