Hope Almost Lost

What can I say? Where should I start? I'm 17 years old and my name is Twisty Jane Ellison. Twisty, a name fit for both a man and a woman. As for my mama, she always wanted a boy and was disappointed when I came out. Coming out a girl when she really wanted a boy and so she addresses me as such. Forcing me into boy clothes and behaving like a boy. Slapped and sometimes whooped for wanting to act my gender. 

So here I am, sitting in the front seat of my mother's car, after just coming back to the doctor's with hormone therapy shots. You heard right. Since I was forced to live and look like a man, my mother makes sure to make me a complete man before my 18th birthday. Do I really want this? No. Do I really want my womanhood taken from me? No. I want to get married. I wanna have kids. I wanna look and act like the woman.

Forced as a transsexual, doesn't mean I'm gay. I'm still a woman. I still have the parts and therefore, I'm attracted to men. Speaking of hormone shots, they make me constipated. For like the last two weeks, I've only taken a dump once. And does my mother care? Not in the slightest. And here it is, end of week two and had my third testosterone shot in the butt. It hurts, but mama doesn't care. I sit back, looking out the window, hoping some hot guy would rescue me and make me have his babies. Not every woman dreams to be a homemaker these days, but it's just a life better than what I've been subjected to since I was born.

As for friends, I don't have any. Why? Cause mama doesn't trust me around boys and she doesn't want me acting like one of the girls. It's pretty sad when your own mother is jealous of her own daughter, that she's gotta make me into an ugly man and no one would want me. You see, transgenders wanna change their gender by choice and there's nothing wrong with that. For me, I'm being changed by force and that should be considered abuse, since I am still underage.

I also can't do anything right, which confuses me sometimes. For instance, I wanna cook and clean like any other woman supposed to do, but mamma wouldn't let me. She whoops my butt and tells my to do all the guys stuff around the house, like take out the trash or mow the lawn. Damn it, I wanna learn how to cook a descent meal, in case I find a man and cook him a descent meal after a long day's work. I wanna have babies and know how to cook for a growing family. And there's no where to cry. Mamma hurts me so much, that's all I wanna do and there's no one I could talk to about my problems.