the silent screams of my life

~yawn~ good morning world, and how are you today? I guess I’m fine…. Fine ….. When someone asks me how I am, the reason I say I'm fine is because I can't explain why I'm not fine, it’s crazy how if you say “I’m fine” enough you begin to believe it yourself, until your alone and the reasons your not fine start playing on your mind again.

This all started when I was about 14, I was just your average slightly geeky girl, liked school had good friends, had an ok family. Nothing you could say was that out of the ordinary, except for that one day I woke up and I started seeing and feeling everything a little different to everyone else.

It was so hard not to have anyone who could see the world the same way, I just wanted to scream out for someone to understand me, but it never happened.

I did what all usual children do these days, I went out with my friends and had fun, I met boys and had crushes, and then one day I met a boy, well a man, who made me feel special, so special I would do anything for him, many people didn’t agree I was 14 he was 21, but I trusted him his ex was 14 too but I didn’t think anything off it, I just loved that he got me.

I used to get together with my friends and all there boyfriends and me and mine, we would have fun and talk, general kid stuff I guess, then one day he was so sad. We were out walking along the bank of the river me him and a few of our mates when he explained he had moved over to England to late to see his nanas funeral. He cried on my shoulder for hours. I felt so bad for him, I just wanted to help, he asked me if I would go with him to see his nanas grave so that he could say goodbye, I of course said yes, after all I loved him,

We left our friends behind and went to the graveyard, we sat on the bench at the end of a row of graves, where we just talked about what felt like everything, we started to kiss he was so gentle, his had was on my knee, my body tingled slightly as his hand slid along my skin. I pulled back from him and stroked the tears from his cheek, “its ok, everything will be ok, but we should get back” he looked at me and moved for to continue kissing me.

I stood from the bench and started walking back to the river, when I felt his hand on my shoulder, he turned me around and pushed me against a cold brick war and continued kissing me, I pushed him back told him I wasn’t ready but his hand was already togging my knickers to one side. I wanted to struggle to scream to run but I was scared and I loved him and he was hurting so much, all I could say was the word no but he pushed me back and thrust himself inside me, kissing me hard and strong not letting me escape to speak, every thrust felt like a balloon been pushed up inside me, the pain was unbearable as I just rested back against the wall.

He came hard and fast his hands pushing my hips down, he realised from kissing me and whispered “thank you” he took my hand and led me back to the river. All my friends where there I just brushed down my skirt and walked straight for my close friend, she asked if I was ok and I looked at her and just said “I don’t know” to this day she still says that wasn’t me that walked back to the river. It wasn’t me who returned.

That night I went home, I didn’t feel like a child any more, I felt sick, my body trembling, I excused myself to my bedroom and went to bed early, I remember just laying there all night feeling numb, no tears, no smiles, just numb, I felt like nothing I felt dirty. What would I do tomorrow, would I see him? What would I say? I didn’t know what to do, I feel my nails digging into my hand, the pain at least making me feel something, as my eyes close and I lay awake in the darkness.