Heartless prick with puppy dog eyes

You know, it's rather pathetic; this feeling. I mean some would consider it funny, but to me, it's quite depressing {cue in the dramatic sigh and the violins}.
So this is the situation: I'm crushing on my best friend.

Cleche you say? I hear you. But that's not the pathetic part, oh no, that's coming up. I'm jealous of his new girlfriend. Like bitterly jealous. You know that song, In My Head by Jason Derulo, you know how he says In my head I see you all over me, etc., etc.? Well in my head, I'm poking my eyes out every time I see them all over each other. And the pathetic part? 

I set them up.

On a blind date.

Yes shoot me.

It was one of those: he's great and she's great (and girly). He likes great (and girly), and from my point of view, it's better than blonde (and bimbo), because really, that would have me committing virtual suicide, and I wasn't mentally prepared for that.

So I thought, you know what, my best friend deserves better dammit, and Sky, (that's her name), she  seems nice and she was my lab partner in chemistry. She's very helpful, offering to tutor me, (I suck), and just stuff, you know? But lately I'm thinking I was used. What's making me feel this way besides obvious bias? Well, she's hogging Chris's attention.  (You're screaming bias at me, but I have more evidence). When I pass her in the halls now, she completely blanks me, whereas before she'd always make conversation... So my theory is obvious: she pretended to be nice so that I'd introduce her to Chris, and when I did, well that was it.

Let me tell you about me. I'm normal (average). Not blonde (brunette), not a size zero, (a bit far beyond it in fact), not ultra smart, ( I pass my exams, but it's not always an A* that graces my papers), not a tomboy but not girly either. I like girly things, but that's not something I'd admit without intense torture.

So, here I am eating my cheesecake in the cafeteria, (comfort food is my friend), looking miserable, until a lunch tray is slammed in front of me and a very disgruntled Chris sits down across from me. " I'm breaking up with Sky."

"Oh?" I inquire. 

He doesn't answer, he just starts eating his food rather aggressively. Now, little Russian ladies are doing a little dance in my head and I want, no cross that, I NEED to know more, but he looks a bit riled up, so I wait until he calms down a bit. 

He jabs at a piece of chicken several times before he throws the fork on the plate and shoves the plate away from him. I look at him calmly.
 
"What happened?" I ask.

"Well, she seems to think 'this isn't working, I'm breaking up with you', means 'buy me an Ipad, and come to my house at a crazy hour in the morning to give it to me'. 

"You already have an Ipad?"

"She's stalking me, how do I get rid of her?"

"You seemed crazy about her not long ago, what happened?" I inquire, all the while eating my cheesecake.

He reaches over and swipes a bit of cream from the corner of my lips, and licks it.
 
"That's good, share!" he demands, and moves the plate towards him, taking my spoon with it, when all of a sudden we hear a shriek. 

"I knew it! I fucking knew it! You broke up with me coz you wanna go out with her!  And YOU, you you hussy! Stealing my man, I knew it, i just knew you'd get in between us!"

"Eh?" is my dumbfounded reply. "I set you up you moron, AND I knew him before you did, so I didn't steal anyone away!" 

At this point we're all standing, ready to pounce, and I'm consciously aware that her nails are longer than mine and can therefore cause more damage, but darn it she was being ridiculous! As if he'd even look at me that way. 

Chris is in between us now, shoving her away from me.

"You're right, I don't want to go out with you because I'm in love with Mel. There I've said it."
 
I stare at him like he just sprouted an extra head, she's staring at him with rage, pure undiluted anger that would've made me flinch had I not been too numb to process anything at the moment.

And then I hear screaming, "She's an ugly fuck!" she exclaims pointing at me.
 
"Look at the size of her! You wanna look at elephants, go to the zoo, don't fuckin DATE her!! I love you; you can't do that to me!!"

She's really in his face now, her hands tugging at his shoulders, trying to physically shake some sense into him it seems, but his towering form is just not budging. I'd defend myself, really I would, but I agree with her logic.

"See, that's just it, You're the ugly one Sky. From the inside, you're the ugliest person I've encountered, and from the outside your the fakest person. So all in all there's nothing whatsoever that makes me wanna be with you, and it's as simple as that. Mel is beautiful inside and out, she's everything your not and will never be. Now if you'll excuse us, my girlfriend and I have a date"

He takes my hand and we walk off. When we're outside, I'm a bit miffed.
 
"What did you do that for?" 

He's about to say something, but i cut him off.
 
"No don't even try! How dare you use me like that!" 

He's rubbing his temples.
 
"Well?!" I demand.

"Oh, I can talk now? Gee thanks. She's a psycho Mel! If she didn't think there was someone else, she would stalk me till I'm ninety."

Yes, it was an act, and I knew it was an act because we'd done it before. We were out clubbing once, and this guy just wouldn't stop grinding against him on the dance floor. He had to very forcibly stress that he's 100% straight, and when that didn't work and he was about to punch the guy for his unwanted persistence, I stepped in, put my arms around his neck and said, "Hey baby, where did you disappear to? Let's dance." And I dragged him away.

But this was different. It was like he was taunting me with what I wanted but couldn't have.

"Besides, who on earth would believe that you'd pick me over her? If you're gonna lie, make it fucking believable! Jesus, Chris! You're clueless sometimes!" 

He gives me one of his devastating grins. "I'd pick you over her any day Mel"  

"Yeah, whatever". I walk away but he easily catches up with me 

"So what do you say?" he asks.

"About what?!" I'm still huffing.

"Being my girlfriend?"
 
I give him a stunned look, and he carries on. " I mean, we wouldn't have to pretend for long, just long enough until she finds some other guy to psych out." Here's that word again, pretend... The heartless prick. The heartless prick who's giving me puppy dog eyes. 

"Fine, but if she doesn't move on to someone else within a week, we're breaking up." 

"Four weeks. I just declared undying love in there, can't break up within a week after that! They'd think I'm fickle!"

"You are fickle, did that news bulletin not get to you?!" I ask sarcastically. 

"Four weeks," he repeats
.
"Two."

"Three, and I'm not budging; this is my rep on the line."

"YOUR rep?" I screech at him "I'm gonna be called one of those dumb bimbos who you seem to favour going out with, I'll be considered another tick in your black book!"

"It's red." he interrupts me. 

"It's MY reputation I'm worried about!!" I carry on.

"Four weeks." he says.

"Three weeks and that's IT!"

"Three weeks it is," he says grinning, and I realise what he just did.

My stupidity amazes me sometimes. I stalk off but he easily catches up with me. 

"Where are you going?" he asks calmly. 

"Home, where else?" I snap at him

"We have a date tonight; dress nice, I'm showing you off." And with that he strolls off, leaving me stunned. What on earth have I gotten myself into?!!