Too Close

This is my first shot at writing so please be nice. Feed back would be nice if you have time. Sorry if there are some silly mistakes. i don't have a beta yet.

My older brother Nate had decided to stay in the loft above the barn tonight. Apparently someone had seen bear around and Nate didn’t want to risk the animals. The loft has a couple of beds and lanterns up in it for when things like this happen but I didn’t want him to be all alone so when he told the family his plan at dinner I volunteered to stay with him. We had always been close, even though he was six years older than I was, and we hadn’t spent much time around one another recently so I figured we’d catch up and goof around maybe play a game.
After dinner I helped mom and Netta clean up and get the kids to bed then I went up to the room I share with Netta and got on my winter clothes; two skirts and thick stockings with boots. I got on a sweater and a down jacket too before I felt like I’d be warm enough to walk the hundred or so feet to the barn. January was the worst month around here because it seemed like it would never stop snowing and you had to be dressed in several layers to not freeze. The last thing I did before going was braid my hair and stick it under my hat and then I pushed my self out the door. Goodness it was cold I tried to run the last half but ended up tripping in the snow. When I finally got to the barn I slammed the door shut just as the wind was trying to blow in. I slowly climbed the ladder to the loft and stepped in.
“What happened to you?” Nate half laughed when he saw me.
“I tripped” I scolded indignantly. That’s when I realized that my outer layer of clothing was completely covered in snow. “I have to get this off before I’m soaked through.” I explained as I started to take off first my boots, hat, and coat, and then my stockings and outer skirt. I draped all these items in front of the little Franklin stove that was used to heat this room and sat down next to Nate on the blanket he’d put over the straw that coated the floor. He was leaning back with his head rested on his arms, his eyes were closed and he had a big smile on his face.
“Why are you so happy?” I asked suspiciously. I bet there was a girl involved some how. That’s always what it is when our oldest brother, Alex, is happy. He’ll go around smiling for days if the girl he likes so much as says hello to him. I’ve heard rumors he’s planning on asking Molly out soon. They’ve been eyeing each other forever, since they were in school, so I wouldn’t be surprised.
“No reason” Nate casually replied and tried to hide his smile. He was such a liar, and a bad one at that.
“Bull” I laughed at him.
“Such language” He playfully chided. There was no hiding that smile now. Nate’s whole face lit up when he smiled. In my mind Nate was and always will be the definition of handsome. He was tall and skinny but all muscle. He had wavy brown hair that was long enough to wrap your fingers in but he always wore it under a bandana when he was working. He had long slender fingers and strong hands and his skin was tan without being brown even in the winter. To me he was perfect.
“No really why are you smiling?” I asked again.
“It doesn’t matter” He dismissed pulling me down next to him with one slender arm so I was lying in the crook or his arm.
“You’re not going to turn into Alex are you?” I joked “It was bad enough having him going around like an idiot half the time. If you start too we’ll all go insane.”
He just laughed. I took that as a no. For awhile we just laid there and listened to the animals beneath us. Occasionally the fire in the stove would crackle. Eventually curiosity got the better of me though and I turned towards him and asked “So really, who is it?”
“So nosey” he said before he started to tickle me. Tickling is my major weakness, it leaves me completely helpless. We tossed and turned like this for quite awhile though before he finally stopped with me pinned under him and before I could even catch my breath he kissed me. I had only been kissed once before when I was very young by one of the boys in my class I had yelled at him for it. It hadn’t been exactly exciting, more like disgusting. This was different though. It was electrifying and amazing and it felt perfectly right. I wrapped hand around the top of his arm to hold him there and to assure myself this was really happening.
Nate only broke away for a second to breath and I swear I heard him mumble “shit” under his breath but he didn’t stop. His body was putting just enough weight on mine to excite me but not enough to squish me one of his knees was between my legs and slowly parting them. My skirt was already above my knees from when he was tickling me. His mouth opened and mine fallowed suit. One of his hands was splayed across my ribs and its dominant hold was slowly creeping farther and farther up towards my breasts.
He moved his mouth to my exposed neck and nibbled down to my collarbone. His other hand started undoing the buttons of my sweater with new found haste. Once that was done and my sweater as under us his hands were suddenly under my shirt. I jumped at the skin on skin contact. He started to pull away taking my jump as a no but I quickly wound my fingers in his hair preventing his lips from leaving my skin.
One of his hands touched my breasts and two of his long fingers slid up to my nipple and rolled it slightly making me gasp. I could feel his lips form into a smile against my neck. For awhile I just let things go as they were. It felt amazing after all and I wasn’t thinking clearly by the time I really started thinking again both of our shirts were off my skirt was up around my waist and I had no idea where my under wear was.
“Say no” Nate begged me. His voice had gone husky like he’d been yelling and it was deeper some how too. I knew he didn’t want me to say no but I had no idea what I would be saying no to. I had no idea what was happening I’d never heard of anything like this being discussed. I had an inkling of an idea that this had something to do with sex but I really wasn’t sure.
“Yes” I said. I have no idea why, but Nate kind of growled at me it wasn’t exactly threatening but wasn’t that different. He pushed himself on to his knees and pulled his pants down below his thighs. Now I had seen the male anatomy before after all I did have two younger brothers and I had given them baths but Nate’s was much bigger and it was standing straight up it looked like it hurt actually but I didn’t get much time to look at it. He bent down again and kissed me hard before I knew it he’d put his penis near my opening and pushed. I squeaked in pain; I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t believe he’d just hurt me.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He cooed over and over in my ear as I cried silent tears. After a minute or so the pain started to subside and my tears turned to light hiccoughs. He started moving again and it hurt but I let him; something in the back of my mind was telling me I just had to let it happen. He pulled almost all the way out and then he’d push back in. I just tried to concentrate on everything else. It only took a couple minutes before he pushed all the way in and I could feel him spasm in me as he moaned quietly in the back of his throat. Now this I knew was sex and not allowed. We weren’t married and even though we didn’t really grow up together Nate was my half brother and we had committed a terrible sin.
“Nate” I began lightly he was still on top of me and he had his eyes closed.
“I know” He sighed. “We can’t tell any one. Thank you though.” He said forlorn. We each gathered our clothing and straightened up in silence. “I have wanted to do that for a long time” Nate finally said
“Why?” I asked. It had felt good until the end but the hurt kind of overshadowed the good.
“Because you’re beautiful and I knew it would feel right only with you.”
“Oh” I replied surprised. I didn’t really know what to say to that. I just decided to go to sleep. I choose the bed closest to the stove and fell asleep within minutes. When I woke up the sun was just barely showing but Nate was gone. We spent the next month or so avoiding each other.
Within that month I started to get the feeling that something was missing. Amazingly enough Netta is the one who made me realize what it was. I mean it wasn’t a big deal really I was just a little late it had happened before. It was March when I finally admitted to myself what was wrong. I was throwing up; Mama did that before she had Hattie, Joseph, William, and Addy. I assume she did that before me and Netta too but I wasn’t there.
I had no idea what I was going to do so I left. My mother had a step sister that I’d met once. She was not a believer so we didn’t see her much but I decided she was a good bet. Maybe she wouldn’t throw me out for having a child out of wedlock. I didn’t have to tell her who the father was either. Turns out I was right, I told her that I had gotten carried away with a boy and that he didn’t know and my parents couldn’t know and she accepted it. She had three children of her own all under the age of five and I offered to take care of them and do most of the house chores if she let me stay with her and she agreed. Life went on from there. I was at least thirty miles from home and so I hopefully wouldn’t run into any one I knew but other than that I was perfectly content.