Crystal Clear

This is an attempt to get rid of some of the feelings I\'ve had for years. It is dedicated to the man I love, even though I know he\'d be ashamed of me for writing it.
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***PLEASE leave a comment! Even if you think it\'s complete crap, leave a comment telling me how to improbe... having over 100 views and only one comment is really, really sad.***

Notice: I can totally see this being very, very long. I didn\'t want to write everything out though if it was stupid, or if no one liked it... so I\'m letting you all be the judge. Tell me what you think, but please, be kind! This is the first thing of this sort I\'ve ever attempted to write. I know there is a serious lack of sex, which I\'m apologize for, and I\'ll make up for in later chapters if you all indeed request me to write more.

Notice x2: I apologize ahead of time for any spelling mistakes you might find... I can\'t find spellcheck! *hides*

Disclaimer: This is almost entirely fictional, besides a few characters and situations that I\'m basing loosely on personal experience. Names, places, and dates have been changed, and I\'m not making any money off of this, so please don\'t sue me. Also, please don\'t steal my characters... I love them. I would be oh-so-sad if you took them away.

Disclaimer x2: If I do end up writing more of this (which totally depends on you loverly people), there will be some child molestation, a little rape, and some girl/girl stuff going on. I\'m trying to keep it pretty close to my life story/my dreams, but not exactly the same... I experienced most of it, but in a different way. And if you can\'t tell the difference between stuff that happened and stuff I\'d like to happen, then... I\'m pretty damn good at this writing business! Anyway, I\'ll give you all a heads up at the beginning of each chapter if there\'s anything possibly offensive in it, so you won\'t be surprised.
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Chuck was so distracted he could barely keep his mind on the country roads he was travelling on. He was driving like a mad man, and his driving matched his current feelings. He thought the move was just another one of the plans she talked about constantly, but always fell through. Like her engagement. Now there was a perfect example. She\'d been dating the boy for months and months, and then she\'d been engaged to him for an equally long period of time, and she called the whole thing off just a few months before the big day. She\'d actually been written out of her grandparent\'s will over that... everyone had been so angry with her for throwing her life away on a guy who had nothing going for him, and then in the end, she\'d gotten them all worked up over nothing. Yes, even he\'d been upset over that. Could anyone blame him, though? He\'d watched her grow up from a little girl to an awkward prepubescent, and then on to a woman. He\'d been with her through everything... the rape, her mother\'s death, her engagement, her lack of faith, the questioning of her sexuality, the alcohol, the drugs, her regained faith... everything.

Thinking of her wasn\'t improving his driving in the slightest. When the doe walked out onto the road, he nearly collided with her. He swerved off to the side, and then just pulled over. As the doe hurried off into the woods, he buried his face in his hands. \"Why now, God? I\'ve already lost so much... why this? Are You out to make me some sort of modern day Job? You know I don\'t have that kind of faith. I\'m too quick to wander; too quick to stray. I\'m afraid if she really leaves I won\'t be whole again, Lord... I\'m afraid You can\'t make me whole again\". Having said that, Chuck wept.

~*~*~*~*~

Tori sat idly in a recliner, waiting for 3:00 to arrive. She would be leaving in the morning for California, and her blood relatives and church family were throwing her a little going away party. Her best friend, Norah, sat near her on a loveseat, staring at the same clock. She didn\'t know the people that were coming to the party... well, she didn\'t know anything about them besides what Tori had told her. And now she was expected to socialize with them all afternoon! She couldn\'t wait for morning when she\'d be able to drive away from all of the strangers and go back to her apartment in California, which she\'d then be sharing with Tori. It really was an awesome arrangemet... they\'d been online friends for years, and actually meeting each other had strengthened their friendship tenfold. When Tori expressed her desire to get out of Kentucky, Norah offered to let her share her apartment, and she\'d jumped at the chance. They\'d made all sorts of exciting plans... first thing next week, they\'d be getting their lips pierced. Thinking she might like to get her tongue done too, she turned away from the clock and turned towards Tori, to run the idea by her. But at that precise moment, Tori\'s grandmother called from the kitchen/dining room \"Tori, Pastor Chuck just called. He said he\'s not going to be able to make it.\"

~*~*~*~*~

Chuck turned off his cellphone, and laid his head against the stearing wheel. It was better this way. He wouldn\'t have to see her again. Wouldn\'t have to hear the shy, earnest way she prayed. He wouldn\'t see her grey-blue eyes light up when she laughed, or watch her pale cheeks envelope in a rosy glow when someone paid her the slightest compliment. He wouldn\'t have to wrap his arms around her again, in front of a crowd, and bid her goodbye like she was just anybody. She wasn\'t just anybody. She was Tori, and she was leaving. And he\'d be damned if he sat there and watched her go.

~*~*~*~*~

\"Tori, calm down... he\'s probably just really busy\". Even as she said the words, Norah realized they\'d be no comfort to her friend. Tori had confided in her multiple times how much she cared for her pastor, even going so far as to say she was in love with the man, once. He\'d been married then, so Norah had advised her to just get over it, and reminded her that there were plenty of other fish in the sea. And she thought she had really gotten over it... until Pastor Chuck filed for a divorce. Then, once again, Tori was eaten up with the desire to be with him, only this time it was intensified because she was no longer a teenager. She was an adult.

Tori stiffled a sob, and dug around in her pants pocket for her keys. \"I have to get out of here for awhile\". Before Norah could object or reply at all, she held up a hand and said \"I promise I\'ll be back before this damn thing starts. I just need to be alone for a bit\". So saying, she quickly departed, quietly crying all the while.

~*~*~*~*~

As she plopped down in the driver\'s seat and cranked up the metal CD that was currently playing, Tori could think of nothing else but the fact that the only man she\'d ever really, truly loved was abandoning her. This was, in essence, the last time he\'d ever see her, because everyone knew she had no intention of ever coming back to this hellhole. And he didn\'t want to see her. Didn\'t care to see her. Had more important things to do than to see her this one last time. As she tore out of the driveway she screamed to make sure her god heard her over the screeching metal. \"Why?!?\"... her tears came out in waves, and her prayerful rant was reduced to whispers below the loud music. \"You know I have to leave... it hurts too much to stay. You know all I asked was to see him one last time. Just one more time. I wanted to hear him pray. Hear him laugh. Hug him goodbye. Is that so much to ask? I have never once acted dishonorably towards him... he doesn\'t know I love him as anything but a father. I just wanted to see him once more. Just one more time.\"

Just then, she saw his truck up ahead, parked by the side of the road. She followed suit, stepped out of her car and walked tearfully towards his. \"P... Pa... Pas... tor Chu... ck?\".

Her voice snapped him out of his strained prayer. He\'d called her house; he\'d left a message saying he wasn\'t going to make it. Why was she here? He quickly wiped his eyes and stepped out of his own vehicle. \"Hi, Tori! Why aren\'t you back at your place enjoying the festivities?\".

The cheerfulness in his voice at her celebrating her goodbye broke her heart, and yet, it hardened it a bit too. The waterworks seemed to turn off instantly, and her own voice adopted a sickeningly sweet edge. \"Oh, I had to run to the quickstop and pick up some ice and pop. Gram\'s afraid with so many people coming that she won\'t have enough for all of them.\"

He might have been born and raised in the South, but Chuck was no dumb hick. He could tell that despite her happy tone, she was upset... and from the state of her runny eye makeup, she\'d probably been crying as well. He wondered why, briefly, before quickly deciding her grandmother must\'ve said something awful to her, again. That woman really needed to find a hobby, besides belittling one of the only people who actually gave a damn about her. Even though he knew touching her in such a half-hearted way would kill him inside, he wrapped an arm around her shoulders. \"What did she say this time?\".

Tori inwardly laughed, but it wasn\'t light-hearted in the least... no, it was a bitter, cynical, jaded laugh. She was too young to be this heartbroken over such a man. He was so blind! How quickly he assumed that her grandmother had upset her, when in reality, the culprit had his arm wrapped around her. \"She told me you weren\'t coming\", she said simply.

\"Oh\". His arm dropped abruptly. \"I got a call from a... a man\", he stammered. She stared at him, with a blank expression on her face. \"A man?\". \"Yeah, a man. His... mother is... in the hospital. Yes, she\'s in the hospital, and she\'s very sick, and he wants me to stop by and pray with her\". \"Oh, do you want me to come with you? You know what the Bible says about two or more people praying...\".

He cut her off. \"No, you go back to the party. You\'re leaving tomorrow. You need to be around your friends.\"

\"Aren\'t you one of my friends?\", she asked quietly. Her eyes glittered with tears she refused to shed.

\"Yes... but a different sort of friend. I\'m a friend with responsibilities. God comes first.\"

\"Aw, fuck!\", she yelled as she turned and ran back to her car. He stood stunned for a minute at the expletive... he couldn\'t recall ever hearing her curse. He knew she did, of course, because her brother constantly hinted as much when they were both around him at the same time, and she always hushed him. But to hear her actualy curse... it was liberating, in a way. It reminded him that she was human. An obtainable human. He\'d tried his hardest to put her up on a pedestal over the years... she was made for a pedestal. She was absolutely gorgeous, first of all. Her eyes were like enormous grey-blue pools that seemed to bare her heart to the world; they were complimented by eyelashes that mascara marketers would commit genocide for. Her skin was so very pale, but beautiful and without blemish. Even in her awkward years, she\'d maintained perfectly perfect skin. Her mouth, oh god, her mouth... it was beautiful too. Beyond beautiful. He loved her eyes, but he adored her mouth. On more than one occasion, he\'d caught himself staring at it... but he couldn\'t help it. The way she smiled, ate, spoke, sung... it all brought attention to her perfect lips. The rest of her was appealing as well, though he barely allowed himself to glance at her from the neck down. It was too tempting. He kept her up on that pedestal he\'d made for her in his mind, and eventually she held an idolized spot in his heart and soul too. Every time she\'d fallen, he\'d rushed to help her back up... he kept her on the straight and narrow path not because he was afraid for her eternal soul, but because she wouldn\'t be his angel anymore if she strayed. His angel. Yes, that was the perfect name for her. She looked angelic with her beautiful features and white blonde hair. It framed her face in heavenly light. And her voice! Dear god, her voice... if heaven could be made into sound, it would be her voice. Singing and speaking. He could listen to either quite happily for the rest of his days.

He pulled himself for his thoughts when he heard her car door slam. He ran towards her, and she was so shocked that she\'d gotten any response from him at all, that she actually waited for him. He opened the passenger side, reached inside, and pulled her to him. He crushed his own lips against the lips he adored so much, and nearly died when she responded and kissed him back. It seemed to him that time stood still for just that moment, with her lips on his... and then guilt fell down around his ears. He let go of her abruptly and ran for his own truck.

\"Chuck! CHUCK!! Please don\'t leave!\"