Pointillism

Jamie didn\'t want to be there, there being the third street shelter- the only place he was welcome for the night. The last of the money he\'d scratched together before leaving his father\'s house was gone- spent on lunch at Mackenzie\'s diner and a hopeful purchase of condoms and lube at the discount drug store. Not that he had anyone to use his hopeful purchases with, not unless he got really hungry and finally took up hustling for his supper. He had been hoping not to come to that and he was sure it was still at least a few days off as long as he didn\'t piss off the Sisters here at the shelter. The meal they served was meager- beans, soggy veggies and stale bread, but Jamie ate it anyway every calorie counted- in the winter especially. The men\'s shower was crowded and the water was running cold, so he was quick about it. Then he settled down on the cot they\'d given him. It smelled like mildew, antiseptic and rust. It was strangely comforting- it smelled like camping had when he was a kid- even more so when the furnace kicked in tainting the air with the vague smell of burning coal and hot metal.

***

One of the Sisters shook him awake. \"Out by seven, dear or you\'ll be put on the bottom of the list for sloth,\" she told him gently.

\"Of course. Thanks,\" Jamie returned, surprised he\'d remembered how he didn\'t want to piss them off even though they represented the same stupid ideas that made his father kick him out. They didn\'t know he was a sodomite or he\'d probably already be on the bottom of the list. Jamie got up, checked that his bag hadn\'t been riffled through while he slept (he\'d kept it in his cot with him in hopes). It hadn\'t. He went to the soup kitchen and found they\'d already run out. His dinner would have to last him longer than he\'d thought. He figured on getting used to that.

Out on the street he made the rounds- first he lingered behind the big bakery on fifth where the heat of the oven fans was shunted out of the building. It was warm, but it smelled too good to stay too long or you got stupid for the taste of the bread, bagels and frosted cookies they made there and ended up trying to scam some off the owner who never gave in and pulled his shotgun every couple of weeks to make his point about it. After the bakery it was usually warm enough to take a brisk walk in the park where the sunshine actually made it to the ground instead of being all shaded by the tall buildings. Others who lived out here liked to keep warm via spirits and cigarettes, but exercise did it better for Jamie and he never got stupid and came on to big, homophobic, straight guys after he\'d done a lot of exercising. Drink however . . . he still had a scar just beneath his lower lip from the ring the guy\'d been wearing. After the park, he usually spent some time in the art museum. It was warm and free from 11:30 to 1 if you had a student id. His was pretty worn, but the date was still good another month or so. He loved the pointillism, he could stare for hours seeing different possibilities up close, then step back and see what the artist intended in a new light.

\"I do believe you\'d eat that picture if it wasn\'t sure to cause a bellyache.\" Rocky. Rocky was on of the security guards. He was cool enough not to hassle Jamie into leaving when the free for students period was over.

\"Hey, Rock. I thought you weren\'t working Thursdays anymore?\" Jamie asked, thinking about how he wished Rocky was gay because he was cool and nice and built and really, really so very Jamie\'s type.

\"Filling in for Jack. His wife\'s in labor. That trumps my Thursday afternoon movie habit for sure,\" Rocky replied. \"You want to stay a little later today? It\'s supposed to snow.\" Rocky knew Jamie was between addresses and made offers like that a couple of times a week. When Jamie had first started coming to the museum, the offers had been more along the lines of a few bucks or a hot meal or even a place to sleep for the night, but Jamie hadn\'t accepted. He hadn\'t known Rock so well yet and he was afraid of owing him something. It was also just after Jamie\'d got that scar on his lip and- well, Rock was even bigger than that guy. Now he would\'ve take up an offer like that from Rocky in a heartbeat, but now Rocky didn\'t offer and he wasn\'t real sure of how to ask.

\"Nah, thanks anyway. I gotta find a place for the night. The shelter will be full if I stay too late when it\'s gonna snow.\"

\"Well good luck, James,\" Rocky said before resuming his rounds. Rocky was the only person in the world he let call him by that name. It made a stupid flutter behind Jamie\'s navel, which he didn\'t like that he liked so much. It was a good thing his student id expired next month, any longer and he was likely to get himself a scar from Rocky\'s fist to match the one by his lip.

***

He\'d stayed too long. The shelter didn\'t have any more beds. They gave him dinner, though, and hot coffee, which was something. He figured he\'d trudge all night to keep warm and then get really warm behind the bakery at 5 am when they started the bagels. He was trudging past the museum at 9:15 that night when he heard Rock calling his name. He hadn\'t planned on it, but he was there when Rocky was getting off work. He was either lucky or a glutton for punishment depending on if his unconscious mind had brought him there at that moment on purpose.

\"Jesus, James. You shouldn\'t be out in this all night. Tell me you\'re on your way somewhere,\" Rocky asked out the rolled down window of his car.

\"Seurat did me in again. I stared too long. I lost my bed,\" Jamie admitted.

\"I got a couch.\"

\"Rock, I-\"

\"I know you\'ve said no before, but that was summertime, James. You\'re not saying no this time, understand?\" Rocky threatened.

\"Yes, sir,\" Jamie mumbled in overdone dejection, getting a laugh from the big security guard.

\"Get in already, I\'m heating the whole outdoors!\"

The car was warm and dry and filled with Miles Davis, which was soothing. Rocky reached behind himself to the back seat and brought a half-filled box of donuts into the front seat. \"You get some dinner, James?\"

\"Yeah, the nuns fed me, they just wouldn\'t bed me,\" Jamie cracked.

\"Just like a nun, all threats and rulers but no action- big teases, all of them,\" Rocky agreed, blasphemously.

\"Completely un-Christian of them.\"

Pulling a chocolate glazed from the box and shoving it at Jamie, Rocky said, \"You\'re so skinny, you better have a few donuts just in case.\"

\"Yes, Mom.\"

***

Rocky had a third floor walkup. It was small but funky. Rock had decorated it with all kinds of African artifacts, or copies of artifacts- masks and shields and spears and gourds made into drums. It felt just like Rocky- strong and primal, but also beautiful and full of intricacies. And when did Jamie decide that Rocky was intricate? How was a guy intricate anyway? Damn, lust made him stupid.

\"You can put your stuff anywhere,\" Rocky told him as he puttered in the kitchen, which was merely a sink, a short fridge and a microwave along with a minuscule counter along the back wall of the living space. Next to it was a small table with just two chairs. In front of that was a sofa cattycorner to a large set of shelves that was bursting with hardcover books. Opposite the sofa was the door they\'d just entered through and opposite the shelves was a large mural of a gazelle painted on wood.

Rocky put some coffee cups in the microwave and turned around to tell Jamie, \"The toilet\'s through there,\" he pointed to a narrow door off the kitchen Jamie had taken for a closet, \"and the sofa\'s yours. I\'ll get you some blankets.\" He reached into something hidden by the couch and pulled out a bunch of pillows and way too many blankets, put them in a clump on the couch and started across the room. He stepped up to the gazelle, grabbed hold of something at the top of it and pulled down a bed. Rocky had a Murphy bed. That was weirdly stupid and funny and endearing. This big, big man lived in this tiny apartment, slept in a bed that folded into the wall. Jamie couldn\'t keep from laughing.

***

Jamie was warm, dry, fed and safe, but he couldn\'t sleep for anything. He lay on Rocky\'s couch, three feet from Rock\'s big old Murphy bed staring at the little patch of neon sign from across the street that the window blind didn\'t cover. It was a red 35 or maybe 85 with part if the eight covered by the blind and it flashed irregularly. If it had had a rhythm to it, maybe Jamie could have concentrated on that and fallen asleep. As it was, it was just distracting enough to keep him awake. At least he told himself it was the buzz and flash of the neon that was inspiring his insomnia and not the fact that he was so close to a gently snoring Rock.

He rolled his head to the side so he could watch the not pattern of red-light on Rocky\'s relaxed face. Okay, maybe his insomnia was due to the fact that sleeping Rock looked very Teddy-bearish in the hushed light of the neon- the only source of light in the room. Really, really so very Jamie\'s type. He sighed and tried to will away his insistent erection- mind over matter. Warm, dry, fed, safe and at his leisure to study Rocky was exactly what his body liked and his mind just wasn\'t going to win.

Fuck it! Jamie slid a hand into his shorts, planning just to cup himself, just ease the ache a little bit- but that was stupid- that never worked- he always ended up harder when he tried it. Without him really thinking about it, his hand had slipped into a lazy rhythm, alternately stroking and squeezing, swirling his thumb in slow circles over the head. Using his free hand to push his too restrictive shorts down, he sped his pace, opening his mouth overwide to keep himself from moaning, his breathe coming fast.

\"James?\" Oh shit! He stopped cold. Oh shit!

\"Uh-huh?\" Jamie squeaked.

\"You all right?\"

\"Fine- it\'s just a nightmare.\" Not a lie, exactly- being caught felt like one.

\"A nightmare? Sounded more wet than scary.\" Rocky chuckled and Damn! That wasn\'t fair. His dick didn\'t know what to do with the shiver Rock\'s deep laugh gave him combined with the cringing embarrassment of the situation.

\"Uh, sorry. I thought you wouldn\'t wake up- I mean I didn\'t mean to dis-\"

\"It\'s okay, James. I\'m a guy, too,\" he reassured.

\"Uh, thanks,\" Jamie responded, pulling his shorts back into place. He couldn\'t now, even with permission- too weird or dangerous or weird.

Jamie heard the bedsprings creak and the swish of the bedclothes as Rock rolled over to go back to sleep. He took a deep breath and tried to sleep. The neon was still disturbing, his body was still not listening to reason and, now, Rock couldn\'t seem to settle, moving constantly, rustling his blankets almost rhythmically, like me was- oh. A cold thrill shot through him like he\'d been struck by lightning. Rocky was jerking off. Rock had heard Jamie getting off and decided to join him. Oh God!

Jamie struggled his shorts back down and had to squeeze himself a little hard to keep from coming right away and missing the chance to savor this erotic tandem. After a minute biting his lip and thinking about nursery rhymes, he gave in and let his hand find a rhythm- Rocky\'s rhythm. The whisper of the sheets, a deep exhalation, a small throaty grunt and the quiet cuff of Rock\'s hand changing direction from pull to push and back again, then again. It was a really good rhythm, slow and tantalizing and then it wasn\'t slow, Rocky nearing his end. Jamie matched him, liking the idea of coming at the same time, they might not be having actual sex, not touching, but Jamie could let himself pretend a little.

\"James,\" Rocky sighed as his pace grew ragged and then stopped altogether. Jamie came at the sound of it, ropes of semen painting warmth over his belly. Had he imagined it? There was no way, was there?

Jamie got brave and asked, \"Uh, Rock, what was that?\"

\"Fun?\"

\"Okay, yes- fun, but was it anything else? I mean-\"

\"I bet the couch isn\'t very comfortable. I know it\'s got that one pokey spring.\"

\"Uh . . .\"

\"Unless you don\'t want this, James. I was pretty sure you did, but my gaydar\'s not always accurate.\"

Jamie scrambled off the couch, pulled his shorts the rest of the way off, wiped his belly with them and slid into the big bed with Rocky. It was warmer and softer than the couch, plus Teddy bear. Rocky pulled him close, spooning behind him. Jamie had almost drifted off when Rocky whispered, \"You\'ll stay, right?\" sounding more vulnerable than a guy that large ever should.

\"Yes, Rock. I\'m staying,\" Jamie promised and let sleep take him.