Battle of the Sexes
folder
Original - Misc › Humour
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
3
Views:
1,314
Reviews:
0
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Original - Misc › Humour
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
3
Views:
1,314
Reviews:
0
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. The Author holds exclusive rights to this work. Unauthorized duplication is prohibited.
Battle of the Sexes
Battle of the Sexes
Act 1:The barbecue battle
(WIFE sitting in easy chair, reading.)
HUSBAND(bounces in from stage right): I’ve got a great idea! Let’s have a barbeque. We’ll show those terrorists they can’t disturb our good old American values…!
WIFE(looks up, puzzled): Have you looked outside? There’s a foot of snow on the ground.
HUSBAND: That’s even better! We can huddle close to each other while I cook. If any embers fly out, the snow will put them out before they spread.
WIFE: And where will we be standing while you’re doing this? Two, three feet away from the grill, yes?
HUSBAND: Uh…I haven’t worked that out yet. Hey—I can use the long-handled tongs…or maybe the fireplace shovel…
WIFE: Yes, dear. Where’s my Tylenol?
HUSBAND: I put a fresh bottle in your purse. Now, we should have every thing we need right here…hamburgers, hot dogs, buns, mustard, catsup, grill, charcoal.
WIFE: You forgot something.
HUSBAND: I thought you didn’t like relish.
WIFE: I don’t. I meant the fire extinguisher.
HUSBAND: I told you—we won’t need it! It’ll be cold, there’s snow around—(Pause)—and I’ll use lighter fluid to light the charcoal.
WIFE: That’s the first intelligent thing you’ve said so far. Where was it you read you could quick-start a charcoal grill with firecrackers?
HUSBAND: A do-it-yourself website. It’s basically a good idea: you use old firecrackers—
WIFE: I thought you’d learned your lesson.
HUSBAND: I have, I have…first I check to make sure all the firecrackers are split open—Anything larger than a cherry bomb I leave out—
--
WIFE: Try it in someone else’s yard. Preferably in the next county.
HUSBAND: Hey, the firemen who showed up last year thought it was a novel idea.
WIFE: Hasn’t it occurred to you why they showed up? And they weren’t that agreeable until I spiked the lemonade we gave them with Jack Daniels. (Sigh.) How about using some plain ol’ American common sense?
HUSBAND: Hmmm. If I use lighter fluid and quick-start charcoal, would you agree to the barbeque?
WIFE: You’re determined, aren’t you? (Sigh.) Do I have to eat it?
HUSBAND: It wasn’t that bad, last time…was it?
WIFE: You tell me. You used some of the hamburgers you fixed to patch holes in the chimney.
HUSBAND: Yeah, you’re right—Wait a minute! We can set up the grill in the fireplace! I’ll set the screen in place until the charcoal is good an’ ready. I think the damper can be opened enough to let the smoke out—if not, maybe the firecrackers can clear it…
WIFE: Good ol’ American common sense—like knowing when to keep my mouth shut. Where’s my super-strength Tylenol—?”
(Curtain falls.)
Writers Note: Please R&R, feedback is always welcome.
Act 1:The barbecue battle
(WIFE sitting in easy chair, reading.)
HUSBAND(bounces in from stage right): I’ve got a great idea! Let’s have a barbeque. We’ll show those terrorists they can’t disturb our good old American values…!
WIFE(looks up, puzzled): Have you looked outside? There’s a foot of snow on the ground.
HUSBAND: That’s even better! We can huddle close to each other while I cook. If any embers fly out, the snow will put them out before they spread.
WIFE: And where will we be standing while you’re doing this? Two, three feet away from the grill, yes?
HUSBAND: Uh…I haven’t worked that out yet. Hey—I can use the long-handled tongs…or maybe the fireplace shovel…
WIFE: Yes, dear. Where’s my Tylenol?
HUSBAND: I put a fresh bottle in your purse. Now, we should have every thing we need right here…hamburgers, hot dogs, buns, mustard, catsup, grill, charcoal.
WIFE: You forgot something.
HUSBAND: I thought you didn’t like relish.
WIFE: I don’t. I meant the fire extinguisher.
HUSBAND: I told you—we won’t need it! It’ll be cold, there’s snow around—(Pause)—and I’ll use lighter fluid to light the charcoal.
WIFE: That’s the first intelligent thing you’ve said so far. Where was it you read you could quick-start a charcoal grill with firecrackers?
HUSBAND: A do-it-yourself website. It’s basically a good idea: you use old firecrackers—
WIFE: I thought you’d learned your lesson.
HUSBAND: I have, I have…first I check to make sure all the firecrackers are split open—Anything larger than a cherry bomb I leave out—
--
WIFE: Try it in someone else’s yard. Preferably in the next county.
HUSBAND: Hey, the firemen who showed up last year thought it was a novel idea.
WIFE: Hasn’t it occurred to you why they showed up? And they weren’t that agreeable until I spiked the lemonade we gave them with Jack Daniels. (Sigh.) How about using some plain ol’ American common sense?
HUSBAND: Hmmm. If I use lighter fluid and quick-start charcoal, would you agree to the barbeque?
WIFE: You’re determined, aren’t you? (Sigh.) Do I have to eat it?
HUSBAND: It wasn’t that bad, last time…was it?
WIFE: You tell me. You used some of the hamburgers you fixed to patch holes in the chimney.
HUSBAND: Yeah, you’re right—Wait a minute! We can set up the grill in the fireplace! I’ll set the screen in place until the charcoal is good an’ ready. I think the damper can be opened enough to let the smoke out—if not, maybe the firecrackers can clear it…
WIFE: Good ol’ American common sense—like knowing when to keep my mouth shut. Where’s my super-strength Tylenol—?”
(Curtain falls.)
Writers Note: Please R&R, feedback is always welcome.