Guide to Dirty Talk
Dirty Talk
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Guide to Dirty Talk:
In all honesty, nothing gets a woman hotter than violent,
extremely sexist dirty talk. Believe me. How do I know? Well, as I live in a
world where more than half the population is women, I think I know what I\'m
talking about. What? So do you, you say? Well, bite me, I got here first. But
that\'s not all that important. What\'s important is that girls like to feel
loved, and dirty talk does it best. I can\'t even recount the one times that
I\'ve been with a woman, only to find that dirty talk would have made the
experience so much better. As such, I have compiled a short but oh-so-easy
guide to sexing up your lady, on the verbal performance:
01) Add
"bitch" to the end of every sentence
It seems obvious, but it\'s so easy to forget. When you come
home from work, how often is it that you miss out on sex because you forgot to
say "bitch"? "Honey! I\'m home!"
gonna get you no play. Try it this way: "Honey! I\'m home, bitch!"
She\'ll be on her knees before you get through the door. And don\'t stop there.
This applies to the bedroom most of all. "You like it up the ass,
bitch?" "You like an unmowed lawn,
bitch?" "I just fixed the stove, bitch!" God, isn\'t that hot?
02) Say someone
else\'s name in bed
This one is tricky because you have to mean it. There\'s no
room for accidents. Your woman wants to be called "Susan", even if
her real name is "Geraldine". She wants to be called
"Margaret", "Trixi", or, on
occasion, "Ronald." It\'s best that you talk that option out. The
instant you come out and say "I love it when you lick that, Beth"
while eating dinner with the neighbors, your lady will drag you back home for a
good romp. Also, don\'t forget to toss a "bitch" in there.
03) Excessive mouth
breathing
I CANNOT STRESS THIS
ENOUGH. If you don\'t sound like a twelve-year-old Star Wars fanatic with
asthma, you won\'t get any goodies. Make her think you need to go to the
hospital. Triage is hot. If you can talk like Craig Lamar Traylor from "
avenue.
Last and oh, My God, not least:
04) Do it loud, or do
it soft
This isn\'t a game, mother fucker. Either you scream so that
her eardrums pop or you get right down and whisper it like you\'re confessing to
murder. Do that, too, girls like dangerous men. Don\'t forget to change it up.
Nothing is hotter than tricking her into thinking you\'re whispering, but then
yelling so loud she bleeds. It\'s best to do this first, actually, so that if
you accidentally make a mistake in any of the other steps, she won\'t hear it.
You\'ll stun her with your sexual savvy by calling her "Mallory" and then
screaming a healthy "bitch!" right through her ear canal. As she\'s
packing in gauze, she\'ll probably try to go down on you. Also, when you have to
call the paramedics, make sure you impress the phone operator with your great
breathing control, bitch.
That\'s all you need to know. Go try it out on a few
strangers before you actually do it. You don\'t want to sound like an idiot.