This was a very fun piece to read. You know from the start that the ride home will be bad, but it is still larger horror than I had imagined when things go bad. The wordplay in the story title is simply awesome; it made me laugh out loud when I understood it.
Halfway through the first chapter, when things look bleak, you start to wonder if you have forgotten some story codes...because how can Dylan possibly make it?
At the end of the day, no story codes are missing, and the rescuer is...Sarsa??? The name seems familiar, but I struggle to connect the dots as I follow the hilarious scene, where he must show some spunk to live. Very well written, and I delight in following their struggles to get off the bus.
(When done with the first chapter, I take a break and check the name Sarsa...and then must take another break as I review Sarsa's fan fic record...lol...I had forgotten how funny that was.)
Back to the second chapter, I really enjoyed it and liked the interplay between the characters. Hot sex and the surprise change that happens, really made the story more than just some plain sex. I have little trouble believing in how smitten Dylan becomes with his sex partner, considering the situation. When Kizzy called Dylan out on believing bedroom activities as the cause, it felt very on spot.
My only real complaint about the story is that the transformation perhaps should have merited another chapter; now it feels like Kizzy's appearance kind of fast-forwards the development. Letting Sarsa and Dylan wake up on their own could have given some good opportunity for storytelling, but there is nothing wrong with how you resolved things, and I enjoyed it a lot.
This was a good read. The combination of eroticism and otherworldly gore (not to mention the English setting) made me think of Clive Barker.
Part 1 seems to end fairly neatly. Yet the fact that there are no obvious plot threads or cliffhanger to resolve made me just as eager to read part 2 as if there had been, because it seemed like there were a lot of ways the story could go from there.
I liked Sarsa’s transformation from demon to angel. And I especially liked the role reversal; usually, it's an angel helping a human find redemption, not the other way around.
Well, I finished a large chunk of the thing I was working on, but rather than try and rush the second part, I need to let it develop as it will. All of which means it's time I finished this story!
So you mention in the end comments that you're not fishing for compliments, and I will point out the one thing I worried about, and the one thing I took a little issue with, but overall this second chapter was a lot of fun! It made me laugh a couple times, and it was also hot!
As before, the blend of humor and serious stuff catches me off guard. Sarsa is in the middle of lamenting how Dylan was almost eaten alive and she just blows right through the fact that she got stalled because she was taking selfies with people who thought her demon costume was cool.
The bit where she heals his hands was where I got a little concerned. A long time ago (it's shocking to think it's been more than seven years since I started posting WitS here on the site), you were writing one of the K-Team stories, I honestly don't remember which one, but I kind of nudged you toward acknowledging WitS in some way. It was an emotionally driven action, and looking back on it it was selfish of me to do so. There wasn't any one specific thing in this story that made me think of that, but something about the vibe of several spots made me worry that you were writing this a certain way because I'd pushed you into it years back. I may be worrying about nothing, but I just wanted you to know: I want to make sure the act of writing is something that brings you joy, and that the final product makes you happy, without you worrying about if it makes ME happy.
“What kind of British gentleman ejaculates across a lady’s back, and in her mouth, without so much as a reciprocal fondle? I’ve a good mind to write a letter of complaint to Buckingham Palace.
...And of course, you may just be an untameable force of nature. Yet ANOTHER moment that made me laugh, by the way. And of course, we can't forget about:
“Oh, and did you remove her clothing, too? Roger her in the shrubbery, as you British say?”
“Heh, Ni- Uh, no, no British say that. I don’t think. Maybe in Kent.
Ni! Also, I love that humor can sometimes be read entirely from the context. Like, I laughed there, and I didn't even fully understand the Kent joke, just that it's got to be a British regional thing, but since I think every country has jokes like that, it still works!
The sex scene that follows is honestly pretty hot. There are a few more moments of comedy throughout, like how Dylan expected Sarsa to be really weird between her legs, or how they irritate his roommates with how loud they're being, but there's some really good sexy stuff in there too. I particularly like that even though you had her appearance shift slightly before the sex scene started (with her eyes changing), you kept some of the more nonhuman elements of Sarsa's character design, like her red skin, all through it. It adds an element of exotic beauty to her that adds to the scene in my opinion. Also, while this is less about her body and more about the binding, the biohazard tattoo is a cool look.
The one element of the story that I thought felt a little off, and it wasn't a huge problem or anything, was how quickly Dylan falls in love with Sarsa. It felt a little bit fast to me. Now, it can make sense in-universe, since there's this emotional transference that sometimes happens when you escape from a dangerous situation, or are rescued from one, and that can cause some powerful emotional stuff to happen, so we could be seeing that. Also I fully acknowledge that it's a two-chapter story, so things do have to happen within the narrative window.
And the next morning Sarsa has achieved Shannon status! She is human-passing, which on the one hand will make moving through the mundane world a lot easier, but will tragically cost her in future selfies. In all seriousness, I love the detail that the change in appearance is a sort of self-actualization, so we see Sarsa differently because, as Kizzy points out, she's begun to forgive herself, and thus see HERSELF differently.
Also don't think I didn't notice that she went up a cup size and at least fifteen centimeters in the morning. Again, never feel like you have to write this just for me...BUT I'M ALSO NOT GONNA PRETEND I HATE THE WELL-ENDOWED TALL- Ahem.
Kizzy reached into an inside pocket of her suit, and took out a business card. She held it up briefly. Dylan made out “Ms Kizzy Dieudonné, K-Team Licensed Private Investigations Agency,”
I LITERALLY laughed out loud here. Ok, I did that as a joke many years ago, as your author's note...uh...notes, but in-universe, this now makes me wonder whose idea it was. I can see even odds on the girls, really. Kizzy probably not, but Shannon's mischievous so she would enjoy the joke, and Lupa probably has a broad enough spread of pop culture references, and the sarcastic sense of humor, to go for something like this. Kate's the wildcard, but it could have been her idea too.
And we end with...probably more noise complaints from Dylan's neighbors. They can deal with it.
I know you said this isn't the best, but I still really enjoyed it. I'm sorry it's only gotten reviews from Bronx and me so far, but I'm also glad you got the satisfaction of finishing it. I've been absent from AFF for quite a while myself, but nonetheless, it's always wonderful to see something from you, so welcome back!
“Again! Mortal, ejaculate again!”
“W-wha?”
“Come for me if you want to live!”
“I need… 15 – 20 minutes. Maybe a nap?”
“No. Mortal, I would fellate you. Do you consent?”
“HUH?”
The demon gestured exasperatedly.
“Do you imagine we have eternity here, mortal? Please, if you would keep your blood in your veins, let me extract your semen.”
Right. Probably not the worst offer ever made on London’s public transport network.