I actually checked out chapter 8 some time ago, but decided to take a break and reread it before I wrote a review. My first thought after reading the chapter was literally "great, but it was too short" but on the other hand I am so sure I could suggest a way to expand it that would make it better for sure.
My second reading of chapter helped me to convince myself that the chapter really deliver where its matters and manage to both tell me as a reader that the full tale of what happens to Jude is bound to go on for potentially aeons and that the story ends on checkpoint so to say when it reasonable to leave Jude and turn out attention to other stuff.
The ending with the line "Suck on it." was truly funny and made me laugh a lot. So very much Shannon and a fitting ending.
I still feel there could have been room to show more interaction between Jude and duchess...in this chapter the relation feels kind of settled if you get what I mean. Maybe the overall story would benefit if there was a chapter between 7 and 8 where the duchess was busy doing evil stuff and trying to figure out what Jude's intended end game was. I imagine some other park out there that is visited by demon and a ghost...
All in all I am not a great fan of very short chapters, but must say that you deliver a very good story while using this format so keep delivering using the format that makes you most productive.
Part 6
Really I think this is the best chapter yet. The deep themes expressed in it are perfect. I love the idea of Kizzy being a mask, and that the actual Angel has separated everything somehow. I'm not sure though if the Seraph intended for this result - she/it may have.
But it was wonderful to see Jude understand himself at last, and for the 'mask' to admit to life, and experience. The Shannon line made me laugh.
The ending felt so right, as if everything is still as it should be despite the fact that the two have not followed instructions, but I wonder what it will mean. Jude is dead, and there's no coming back from that. Or is there? If I remember rightly, there was a kind of bet on the cards... Hmm... need to read on. Great work! :)
Part 7
I know I've told you over and over, but your humour is brilliant. I loved the Monty Python bit, but I laughed out loud at the bit about not leaving reviews, and Jude's thought just then. Thank you. I needed that :D
Ah.. I was so relieved when Kizurial was sad about the idea of the statue. I knew she wasn't really bad! (even though I openly wondered about it in a previous review - I deny all!)
And now Jude has returned to the Duchess... this should be fun... yes. Awesome! :)
Part 8
I'm so sorry this is over, since I love these characters more and more all the time.
I see Jude has already found a loophole, that could prove interesting. It would be so fascinating to read that journey of redemption.
Laugh out loud moments:
The Duchess looked appalled, “Can’t you just fuck me for eternity instead?”
And Shannon's inimitable self: "Suck on it."
I could wax lyrical about the cruelty of the statue to Shannon, being what she is, and the recollection of the cruelty it meant for Luzurial too. I shouldn't work, to have those hints of darker things in here, and orgasm denial, and all the wicked things people did before here when their darker selves came out. Not next to the humour you write here, but somehow it does. You pull it off, and it's bloody marvellous :)
What a wonderful journey - I have enjoyed every word. I look forward to seeing Kizzy & Co in their next story. I just know you're going to use them again. I wonder what they'll be up to next time.
Thank you for sharing with us. In all your stories, whether they're funny or dark, and no matter how close to the line you get, to me you're always a highlight of AFF.
Okay, so we start out with humor, not just from the title, but because...
“That’s a sexy fucking statue.”
“Not as sexy as... as you.”
That sounds so much like the setup for a short porn video (or just a really terrible pickup line) that I grin just thinking about it.
Well, when Jude was talking about a picnic on Earth, I didn't realize this was what he meant. I like that you implied that both he and the Duchess had picked out food for the picnic, with the Duchess going for something classy with the pomegranate seeds (not to mention fitting for a succubus, considering their reputation as an aphrodisiac) and Jude potentially bringing donuts.
There's also some really rough stuff in this chapter, though. First, the idea that even though Tegwen didn't design this statue as a torture device, it still acts that way, causing Shannon's arousal to escalate to torturous levels but never allowing her to climax. I don't know if you meant to do this, but what that statue is doing to Shannon is literally the orgasm denial torture Eparlegna inflicted on Luzurial at the end of Whore of Heaven. If that was intentional, that's brilliant.
Speaking of brutal ideas:
“Let her suffer. She’ll be insane in an aeon or two.
Holy shit. This statue thing... First I thought it lasted for 100 trillion years, then I realized that because of how long red dwarfs live it would actually be 120 trillion years. Then you clarified that the statue lasts until the nucleons decay, which means it lasts for anywhere from 2 trillion trillion trillion years to 30 million trillion trillion trillion years (depending on proton half-life), and here we learn that after just one or two billion years the torture of the experience is enough to shatter even an immortal mind.
If I may almost-quote something I had a character think in my own story, how is it that every time we learn more about this situation, it somehow becomes impossibly worse?
The final touch of beautifully crafted cruelty is the Duchess's line to Shannon.
“Have you been crying? Let me guess... meditating on Eparlegna’s cum rag.”
Something I've picked up on, at least from my own reading experience, is that the best way to really hurt me as a reader is to say or do something unbelievably cruel and then be as flippant about it as possible, minimizing its importance. Given the Duchess's expertise with torture, I honestly can't tell if she's genuinely just being casual about it or if those words were carefully chosen to hurt Shannon as much as possible.
However, even after she does that, Jude doesn't give up on her, and that really says something about him as a character. He started this tale prepared to strike a woman for being potentially gay (and maybe also because she was black), and here he is, having chosen to spend potentially multiple lifetimes in Hell to try to redeem a fallen angel. That is a beautiful transformation.
Honestly, just the arc for this chapter is great, from humor to sadness to hope, and all in 1,000 words. This has been a heck of a journey considering it started with a joke about the word "fagottist."
Chapter 4-7 Spoiler
I usually try to write reviews that does not need the spoiler tag, but these chapters are really plot intense so the tag needed to be able to write a review. Chapter 4 is mixture of chapter detail and Jude doing the planned action from the last chapter. There are many great parts of the scene. Shannon bursting through the wall and distracting Kate was great. The exchange about the buttplug was also really funny...but it was the first time it was mentioned in the scene and I was left uncertain if Shannon kept the plug in or picked it out. As I sidenote I realize I have not been playing any rMario Kart in ages and apparantly not recent games since I had to google the blue shell reference to learn the details.
Chapter 5 is mostly about arriving to heaven and felt like a very short chapter. I like the interaction and detail about the number of souls was nice. As for the ending of the chapter I must say that I find it really confusing to keep track of your multiple earths and timelines.
Chapter 6 Really nice interaction between the characters and you add some interesting story details about how an angle can use a mortal body. The detail of the hammerings on the walls was a cool detail, the last part of the void blade?
Chapter 7 I liked the development in this chapter, but could not help wonder how Kizzy could leave something of herself. Is really angels at liberty to give away part of themselves to hellbound souls? On the other hand Kizzy maybe just have borrowed it out so Jude can redeem himself and will reclaim it eventually. The scene from hell about not leaving reviews left me laughing. I did not understand the references from the shouting voices...references to some other story of yours?
“You were being unmade when last I saw you.”
“I got better.”
So, if the Duchess weighs the same as a duck...
Monty Python jokes aside, I liked several of the ideas presented here. First, there's Jude's attitude toward his own fate. Admittedly, since he died while committing a sin (attempted murder and whatnot) he's going to Hell, but there's also the fact that he seems to think himself beyond forgiveness and thus actively refuses it when Kizzy offers. One example of someone kind of like that from the Bible is Judas Iscariot, and as it happens, "Jude" is a variant of "Judas." The name is generally used to refer to the other Judas (yes, there's more than one), but I can't help but wonder if that was intentional.
Second, I love the idea of Hell as a dark reflection of Heaven, complete with mirrored locations (the mire for the lake) and weirdly coincidental dialogue. And, of course, another good joke.
“What are the sins of these souls?”
She flicked her eyes across the mire.
“These? They read stories on the internet and didn’t leave reviews.
So this is what Sarsa was talking about when she mentioned untold agonies. That was for a flame, sure, but same idea.
The third idea I really liked was Kizurial's idea for Jude to follow a righteous path in Hell. That kind of reminds me of...well, I know you've said that you only reference the works of C.S. Lewis in horse-related matters, but in The Great Divorce, Lewis put forth the idea that redemption and salvation are attainable by all, but that most in Hell either deny their sins or stay there because they think they deserve it. What Jude is going through, combined with what Kizzy suggests to him, kind of feels like that.
And you Jeb, she ended your life! You begged the chance to return empowered and take vengeance upon her! How is it you haven’t brought her pelt for my floor, and the vampire’s fangs for my necklace?
I love these suggestions of other stories going on in this universe.
“Duchess.”
“My crusader.”
“I desire the pleasure of your company. Will you have a picnic with me, on Earth?”
awkward... Also, there's something kind of funny about asking a demon on a picnic. That made me smile.
Looking forward to the next chapter!
This chapter may not have been part of the original plan, but I think it explores a fascinating idea, namely that Kizurial's borrowed flesh has, to an extent, a mind of her own.
Granted, it's hard to say how much of it is the mask and how much of it is the seraph, since under normal circumstances they're the same thing, and what we see here could be equivalent to a splinter personality, sort of the angelic version of Dissociative Identity Disorder, but I like the idea that the construct made of borrowed human memories has actually awakened to sentience.
Why? Because Kizzy/Kizurial is a Star Trek fan and our "mask" is basically an artifically intelligent gynoid. We just went full "The Measure of a Man" here.
Also, funny lines:
“But... I don’t feel dead.”
I love this one, because it implies that Jude has an idea of what being dead would feel like.
“I am not a lesbian! I like men! I don’t even fancy Shannon, and she could make a desert wet!
That's just a hilarious way of describing Shannon, frankly. Actually, while the borrowed memories would naturally include a sexual orientation, that has to be a somewhat confusing experience for Kizurial, since I'd imagine she didn't really have a sexual orientation before. I wonder what that's like for her.
Finally, this chapter gives us a glimpse at the good Kizzy saw in Jude. He could choose to sacrifice the girl, who is making it very clear that she's not even a real girl, in order to escape an existentially terrifying destruction, but instead he chooses not to. I'm sure part of it is guilt, since he says he deserves to be unmade, but I think a lot of it is that he can't bring himself to allow an innocent to die, even if she's willing.
All in all, a thought-provoking and emotional chapter, and I like that you decided to include it.
Chaper 1-3
I would begin to say that I after reading the first 3 chapters are kind of confused about the title of the story. It seems you are setting up a situation where Jude tries to follow his orders and he is doomed to die afterwards. If he dies the title seem kind of misplaced or are the point of the story to follow his soul to afterlife in heaven or hell...the current title of "Jude's Tale" might be better than the original title, but I do think both titles are kind of lame and does not really tell the reader what to expect.
Speaking of characters and point of view I really like the switching perspektive. The initial chapter with Kizzy is brief but she comes accross as cool. In the second chapter we get Jude's viewpoint and it is generally well written even if I had expected more background about Jude to understand better who he is...espectially if this story is meant to be his tale. In the third chapter we get the person seducing Jude to trick him to do his dangerous mission.
The sex in the car hot was and I espectially like the point of view during the scene that felt fresh and new. All in all a very promising start of the story and I look forward to read chapters 4-6 and upcoming future chapters.
I tried to stay away...tried not to come back until Monday...and then you pulled me back in!
So, this chapter wastes no time whatsoever and you took a step I would not have dared to: you described Heaven! It's incredibly difficult to describe paradise (if I ever need to, I'll probably end up falling back on a mix of Jewish folklore and Dante's Paradiso), and I like the way you handled it in terms of writing, describing the lake, the beach where Shannon lands, and not much else. There's even another bit of makes-you-wonder description, with Shannon landing on "what passed for ground outside Paradise." I suppose that would stereotypically be fluffy coulds, but I kind of like imagining that it's something a human brain can't quite comprehend.
The chapter is mostly serious, and pretty tense (I like that the effect of the Void Blade hides Kizzy's angelic nature and forces Shannon to blitz her way in), but of course, there is at least one laugh-out-loud moment.
“Enough prattle. Your trick of entry will be uncovered and prevented from working again. Since Hell has not contained you, we’ll follow Kizurial’s example of a suitable punishment for one who has disobeyed the creator’s will.”
“She already made me watch Spock’s brain after I made her an internet dating profile.“
I can't describe how hard I was laughing at this, partly because of Spock's Brain being used as punishment, and partly because of the shenanigans. I mean, the idea of Kizzy getting a dating profile is moderately funny (and kind of sweet), but imagining what a profile for her designed by Shannon would look like is hilarious.
Of course, like I said, this chapter is mostly serious, and I like the genuinely emotional parts, like Shannon breaking a little when she thinks about being unable to go home, or remembering training with Luzurial on the lakeshore.
Speaking of Luzurial...
The principality wasted no more words. She raised her scepter and a pure white beam extended. A molecule thick covering coated Shannon. It spread swiftly up her body and over her head until a statue seemingly made of marble contained her body. Though immobilized, her senses were unblocked. She heard an order given to place her on Earth...
Oh that is going to be so awkward when Kizzy gets out of the lake.
Kizzy: You did what?
Principality: It was your idea!
As with just about every chapter of this story, you have seriously made me wonder what's going to happen next!