Eparlegna sure does have alot of pride for being cast down and sealed away.
"I can assure you, subtlety is overrated.”
Subtlety also ensures there aren't heroes and armies on your doorstep. But okay do it your way lets see how that goes.
Pride does come before the fall after all. Also immense kudos to Luzurial. Partly for demonstrating why you don't throw big objects at beings stronger than you. And also, for the courage to know for a fact that her rapist is there likely waiting for her and still making the descision to confront him. I couldn't do that and its been years.
Chapter 3 of the story was a very solid read, but I had some questions of the pacing of the chapter at the start. The actual start of chapter with the questioning felt a bit weird...why would they think these questions be more important than asking the angel that have been imprisioned since the rapture about that particular event?
On the other hand I do understand why going into talking about the rapture might cause memories to surface that would ruin the build of the scene to question about sex that trigger the same kind of memories in a smart way. The way you wrap in the quotes from the earlier story is mastefully done and I don't think you need to rewise anything. It is obvious to the reader that they intended to evetually talk about the rapture but that will probably think twice about it now when they have realized the level of trauma she is suffering from.
As for the second half of the chapter you don't need to worry about your skill with writing tentacle scenes. That was surely smoking hot and the build up left me wishing for more. One detail you might consider adding is to have Hobbs using a bullet with angel (blood) on it to activate the breaking of container. This is kind of sugggested from the fact that they take the trouble to send the agents with Cassies defect bullets with special inscriptions, but being explicit about this would give a better explanation why the minons could not get Eparlegna out before the story starts.
Oh, one more thing. You put a a lot of effort into describing a chain of command for the angels, but when you talk about appearances you seems to fall back on the Maseket Atzilut angelic order instead.
I am not really familiar with Jewish angelic traditions so I can not say how compatible things are...on the other hand the whole exchange left me kind of surprised. I was on the impression that no matter what classifications scheme for angels you use the one constant in all traditions (and christianity) is that highest level contain the four archangels Michael, Gabriel, Uriel, and Raphael. These are the angels closest to god of all angels and they stand around the heavenly throne except when on special missions. It seems like you want to establish that Luzurial has no direct access to god but this kind of conflicts with her archangel status. I think the solution is simple...just make it so there is a chain of command among the archangels and that Luzurial as a combat oriented archangel sort below Michael but not with high enough rank to actually talk directly to god and most things will play out well.
As for the matter about Luzurial's appearance, I think you can keep the detail about the archangels looking slightly alien and eventually reveal that Luzurial had adjusted her appearance to blend in better among the humans. There is no reason why the humans must realize that she must be a Serahpim if she is an archangel.
Alas, Poor Caulfield
Through no fault of your own.
A traitor's peal brought thy end.
The coninueing tale is still very well written and enjoyable. I certainly do feel for Luzurial, especially when she gets hit with them flashbacks in a clear case of PTSD. Though this chapter certainly does give the story it's cause of the 'Angst' tag.
The second portion of it all... the tentacle scene was quite sexy. Despite it being non-consensual. Though, the only thing that raises an eyebrow is that Hobbs says that no one will miss our IA lass because she doesn't have a relationship. I think someone just going missing, especially in IA, is going to raise some eyebrows.
I wrote an earlier review about chapter two where I pointed out some issues that disturbed my reading. Further discussion showed that InBrightestDay had explanations for most things and with just some minor tweaks of text InBrightestDay has now managed to resolve these things so the reader is not left wondering about these details.
I am happy to say that the current chapter two is improved and reads much better with these adjustments. It is still a rather short chapter plotwise, but I would say that it is well worth the read. I look forward in learning how InBrightestDay intend to reimagine JayDees setting.
Part 3 – Well, this one has some powerful emotion to it. Earning the crap out of those tags at the top. Angst, rape, tent. It’s got some funny lines too. You know I love this whole damn story, but I love this too.
SPOILERY REVIEW BELOW Which contains quite a few points I put in the original email after the read through because they still hold good.
Abdul’s "Do angels poop?” just coming out of nowhere after the serious questions still cracks me up. Of course, Luzurial having an anus was established in Whore of Heaven, but it takes The Woman in the Statue to give a proper reason why – ‘cos sometimes they might choose to eat! Breaking bread with mortals! Even if it’s pizza rather than bread, which is another mildly amusing image - The Archangel Luzurial, 14 billion years old, waiting for mortals to bring her... pizza, then later on... eating pizza – Kevin and Abdul’s grinning makes total sense. Though there’s also that hint of her concern over Kevin’s distance, it sort of emphasises how much of a comfort she found him after he got her to the hospital and the night afterwards.
Then comes the sex question – Abdul proving the worst wingman in recorded history there. And, yes, the emotion is very real. It made me tear up to see how Luzurial reacted to the question on sex and, the whole reliving it/throwing up was superbly written. “And she couldn’t stop crying.” Is the killer line, wow. No wonder Kevin got so pissed with Abdul too, even only realising that it was ‘something sexual’ from the whole ‘my name is whore’ thing. It’s a funny thing how you can write a whole bunch of horrific shit happening to a character, and then when 75 years later they’re still traumatised and suffering it makes you feel bad. Although that may only apply to those of us who write a whole bunch of horrific shit happening to a character. Still though, I think most readers would be hard pressed to read that section and feel it as more than just angst. It’s pretty heartbreaking.
Then it’s sort of sweet with them talking, shared experiences and that. I can see why you have the happiest memory bit as your favourite part. It’s also a really powerful way of showing off her age, but also it’s like a ‘The creator is directly creating and it’s a beautiful thing’ moment. And especially with it coming after this bit -
“The Creator hears all prayers,” Luzurial said. “It’s just that sometimes…” She drew and released a shuddering breath at what must have been another painful memory. “Sometimes the answer is simply ‘no.’”
S’powerful stuff. Also emotional in a different way.
Kevin’s story, too, gives him a bit more of a sad back story that’s only hinted before then. While it’s on an entirely different scale to Luzurial’s thing, it still gives them another good solid connection.
In the next bit, the first emotion is amusement - I straight up laughed out loud at this paragraph
“The first potentially friendly extradimensional being we’ve ever encountered,” she said, absentmindedly brushing a strand of her bleached blonde hair out of her face, “and Agent Liu’s team shot it with a gauss rifle.”
That’s what I said with the original email, and reading the chapter through again today I chuckled at it again. I think besides the dialogue, the whole absent minded hair move while Hobbs is sat there getting the comments directed at him, makes it even funnier.
The little bits of future tech – the electrolaser, the data drive, are nice touches. It’s 75 years in the future which means a bit of new kit here and there!
Caulfield seemed pretty cool – it’s nice to get an IA style character on the straight and narrow who is actually good people. The way she’s got him bang to rights with a bit of research is great, straight-up a competent character doing her job, and after the amusing line quoted above it does hammer home how differently it could have gone.
I guess Caulfield’s a bit of a sacrificial lion in some ways. She’s a completely un-bent cop out there doing what’s right to nail the bent ones. Her thought Oh, you wait for it, Mister Hobbs. I’m just getting started. I love that line.
The tentacle scene absolutely worked –I was never that good at them myself, but I think what you’ve got here has the sexuality of ‘em down right, and Hobbs’ degrading speech and also coming on her face is, well, some of us perverts like that stuff. It’s still awesome that she got to spit his own cum back at him. Really cool moment. There’s a second there where she sucks it in her mouth and it’s like “Wow, tentacle raped and then drinking come... and then SPLAT! Right back at’cha!” On that point, I see at the top you have the code as Rape (Flashback), which covers Luzurial, but the bit at the end with the tentacles isn’t flashback?
Eparlegna’s arrival in the story was badass. Want to hear something funny? The old song shuffle brought Black Sabbath’s War Pigs up while I was reading this tonight. Just as Eparlegna’s laugh started in the story, there was the song lyric “Satan laughing spreads his wings.” Of course, it’s just a coincidence. Although the weird thing is I thought I had the Tori Amos songs on.
You definitely don’t need to worry about the tentacle stuff not being good as far as I am concerned. The details on the setting with the chains, Hobbs watching, the penetrations, how it feels physically and emotionally for Caulfield are all great. Based on some reviews I've had from folks just on AFF for the sex content, some folks might say the tentacle section was too short, or whatever, but some folks’re assholes. I liked it! and I take it a big awesome story with some sex, rather than the PWP smut fests. There's a lot of demand for stories that give you long detailed plot with the sex and this has all of that.
Finally, what a great fucking last line. That’s just a great example of a nasty mental image and horrible end encapsulated in just a few words.
On the other characters –
Hobbs – He’s good at being bad! In Part one he comes across as a total reasonable authority figure to Chloe, and seems like a good boss. Even when Caulfield has him bang to rights with the evidence she’s pulled together he still keeps calm and manages to take her down unexpectedly, before we discover what a twisted fuck he actually is. The way he’s molesting Caulfield as she’s asleep and getting off on her being violated, you can totally see why he’d be looking to get the Invader as his boss. Oh, and now it’s out he’s a bastard, his name is really appropriate as mentioned in the email :)
Cassie – Well, we don’t see too much of her here, but it’s cool the bad guys have a bit of a witch of their own. She – apparently quite happily - made the ammo that should have given Luzurial terrible injuries. What a bitch!
One final thing I just noticed - it seems you have anonymous reviews disabled. You can chage that in the upper left hand menu in your control panel if you want to allow anonymous reviews. I do find I get slightly more reviews when I have them turned on (not everyone has an account), and really I'd only turn them off if my profile was getting spammed. However, each to their own and if you were aware they were turned off and happy with that then it's all good! :)
I look forward to part 4!
The good thing after reading chapter 2 is that I still love your remake on the WoH story and is looking forward to what kind of story you want to tell.
With that covered I must say that I found the second chapter weak on plot. The major event of the chapter is the confrontation with the PPD, but the way you set things up it you put their most heavy weapon in play as first thing and reveal her to be immune to their weapon and this kind of removes the tension from the scene IMHO.
I am also slightly annoyed by Kevin suddenly knowing that she has been hit with an anti tank weapon. Without spotting the sniper he can possibly tell what kind of weapon she was attacked with? How does they know this is the real PPD
On a minor notice I thought the word apotheosis means a character or something that is made divine. Seems very strange that they would use this about something they think is a demon. Maybe the English meaning of the word is different, but that use of the word jumped out at me.
Most important thing, despite the things mentioned in this review I still think this story is very wellwritten compared to most things out there. If you want a more detailed crit of the plot for the chapter you can send me an PM, but I am not so sure about my subjective views of the chapter is any kind of validated truth.
A nice, almost beautiful, continuation of JayDee's story. I'm really looking forward to seeing where this goes. You took the reigns and ran real good with them, and I really like how the world's been sculpted as a result of what happened in the first tale. There's quite a bit of small little things that make it believable.
Some small things that irked me, was more the militaristic side of things. Folks going in guns blazing and all that, just seems a bit tropey, and I thought for sure the PPD was going to be this stories villains for a bit. The other one was the 200 metre shot. With that mammoth gun. That's... really close. Remember that the longest sniper shot is at 3.5 km now, and 200 m is just so... easy to hit targets at. Don't know why there'd be any questioning of it. But that's pretty nitpicky.
Overall, very well written, nice cast of characters, and I'm interested in seeing where this goes in the future.
Part 2 –
I already told InBrightestDay how much I love this, but now I’m saying it for anybody else having a look at the reviews deciding if they ought to read it. It’s great! It’s a total work of art, a thing a’ beauty, a wonderful fuckin’ story. And, yes, part 2 here is a shorter part but it still has some action and it’s still part of a great ongoing story with some great lines and characters.
Folks, read this thing!
One tiny typo in the credit at the start “are own by JayDee”. I guess I have to take credit for Eparlegna. Oh, stop laughing in my hindbrain, muse.
SPOILER REVIEW SECTION BELOW
I still love the change of tension from the end of part 1 and Hobbs warning ‘The creature is loose’ to Kevin doing eggs and sausages for breakfast. It’s very Hollywood.
The line “he figured that if his guest didn’t have healing superpowers he may have accidentally killed her with boredom.” Is funny, but then there’s that little sadness bit as Kevin bring up his dead parents.
Calista’s a cool character too – that whole applied theology thing just makes sense in a post WoH world, and the way she explains some of the ‘what happened next’ fits in really well without seeming an exposition dump. The way you handle the humanity’s champion being responsible for the original defeat of Eparlegna, following the lines at the end of Whore of Heaven, I just love that multi-faith solution. Way more thought out than my original ‘I expect Duke Nukem did it,’ because, after all, he’s fictional. Also, she high fives an angel which is fun.
Abdul’s guess that Luzurial is a decade or so over proves a little out – that dialogue with the 14... billion exchange is funny, but also kind of cool. Also, it gives him that last bit of info with what he’s seen to just about twig... and then she goes and gets shot.
The cutting back to Chloe’s team earlier before that point just works really well, with that build up to Luzurial getting shot. Chloe’s so bad ass – as soon as she can she takes another shot right at Luzurial mid-sentence. I really like Chloe’s character anyway that whole badass demon hunter type, heck, her whole crew is that. Still, it’s funny at Gibbs taking that shot at what turns out to be an angel. The dialogue with him and Chloe is great – both the rack line and the boner line.
You really feel Kevin’s concern for her. There’s gunfire going off and he doesn’t run away, he gets in absolutely worried as hell for her. That little dialogue about the statue, and also “So you were trying to set her on fire!” it’s just great natural dialogue. Good thing Calista was there to point out she can’t be a demon!
That final line, Abdul’s reaction – great! That moment when you realise you were testing an Archangel for being a creature of evil’s always gonna bring a blush.
I eagerly await part 3!
Simply beautiful.
Its not very often when you are confronted with someone older than time and the current universe. Trapped in a statue for 75 years.