For Part One
Oh, this is really wonderful! I have to admit you've quite drawn me in. Kevin is just lovely, and I already adore him, including all those little bits and pieces we're finding out about him.
The healing is to be expected, and yet you've managed to make this all seem real. Of course she will heal, but the answer she gave when Kevin first asked her name is exactly what one would expect. I only wonder if her mind will heal more quickly. I mean, obviously if she was human she'd have gone completely insane, so there is hope for that kind of psychological recovery. I only wonder what it will mean that an Archangel is amongst the humans.
And to have this preternatural FBI division thing going off in the background is genius.
But what happened to the demon? How is Kevin (and for that matter, Abdul) going to react when it turns out she's an Archangel? Questions, questions... Tell you what, though - I wouldn't want to be one of those people who walked past her every day, when she was suffering, and all along she'd only ended up there because she tried to save the people of the city. That's some guilt trip.
Thank you so much for sharing your work with us. :)
Part 6 Review!
This one is beautifully written, as it all is, but there’s some pretty emotionally hard going bits. I mean there’s a bit that straight up made me cry. This is one of the darkest chapters for that, and that’s saying something up against the charnel spider, and what happened to Caulfield. None of this is a bad thing; it’s great powerful writing and there’s some moments of awesome too, with one especially standing out. Kevin... well, he had to have felt proud of that. Just fantastic work. Splitting it off from the end of Part 5 also allows it to be read more compactly, hard to explain what I’m meaning ehhhh.... right, so reading long, long things on a screen (as opposed to paper!) in one go can be a bit tiring on the eyes, so even as good as it is, getting to the end with part 5 and 6 combined together in one go took me a long time. Now part 6 is on it’s own I get it all fresh to my eyes and it’s even more emotionally powerful.
Some quality fuckin’ writing.
SPOILER HEAVY REVIEW section here (some of which you’ve read before from the draft, but it still holds true! And you’ve got some answers ready too so that helps :)
So I’ll tell you, and any other person reading this damn review, this thing: Right towards the end this part made me cry, right around when Luzurial is thinking Kevin can’t stand her anymore, and then finds out that his opinion hasn’t changed at all... and then “please touch me”. And y’all know I’m a monster. You got a writing talent that’s really special here. This deserves a wide audience. And, yeah, although a chunk of this was what I said when I read the draft I definitely teared up reading it again. I guess for those who haven’t read Whore of Heaven they’ve had the rest of it spelled out now, as bad as it got for Luzurial.
I laughed again at Kevin’s derailed train of thought and physical reaction when Eparlegna goes into the much less human form. It’s a fair reaction it just struck me as amusing for him to go from angry and threatening to ‘oh crap’. You describe him really well, better than any of my descriptions, and he seems truly monstrous. Another thing I didn’t quite think of first time, but the way he falls over and lands on his ass is like taking the ancient comedic pratfall trope and using it in a way that would be funny if he wasn’t so scared. It feels like a good way of playing with the trope.
Kevin didn’t really take Luzurial’s request before going in not to listen to heart did he? Well, he’s only human and curiosity is powerful... Eparlegna gets some nasty comments in, especially about her begging like a whore. Then again, emotional swerve because this line made me laugh again: “I’m impressed, Luzurial. That pet mortal of yours is quite loyal…even if it is only because he wants to fuck you.” It’s more contact embarrassment for Kevin, no wonder he’s blushing. And he thought he’d been so careful to get her breast covered up too. He didn’t feel a tit at the time, but I guess he does there as it were.
The offer paragraph is evil, but hot. (other reviews “It’s just evil. JD’s sick.”) Anyway, Kevin’s denial and standing up to the fearsome Eparlegna even after he’s virtually had the shit scared right on out of him is pretty cool and he’s got that good burn in. It must take a lot of courage to stand before something like that, and mock it.
The wrath monster’s another great body horror creation. It’s not quite as spinechilling as the spider, (which would be very hard to top) but anger is often more mindless lashing out violence which it really seems to exhibit, while the spider had the more grasping nature. Kevin going on to basically outsmart it into destroying itself seems to work as a pretty good “overcoming rage” device (the whole wrath fight is pretty good, but sorry, I think the spider one edges it. The spider critter is that damn nasty!) At least sloth gets a shout out even if it doesn’t actually appear :)
I’ve always liked the whole, standing up against a far stronger foe without much hope, just because it’s the right thing to do thing. I see where the sadness is, but it’s still a pretty awesome fight, and that’s the point there, the survivors get out as a result. Another of your little Luzurial the badass moments,
“Luzurial smiled. Broken she may have been, but she was not helpless yet.”
I guess I only had Luzurial the badass as an informed ability in Whore of Heaven (with the exception of the odd moment) where you really demonstrate it here and last chapter.
After the wrath fight, “ I don’t know if they’ll kill the Invader, but trust me, he’ll definitely feel them.” Now there’s some eye watering foreshadowing!
Abdul and Calista don’t get such a big role in this part after their moment in the spotlight last part, but you still use ‘em great – they’re there with the magic bullets, and coming back for Kevin, and then towards the end they both show some real understanding in leaving Kevin and Luzurial alone to talk things out. Some great support from the supporting characters!
The ongoing fight with Eparlegna and Luzurial is just awesome, she’s taking damage, but blocking- the inner light shield is a great image –and smacking him right back.
The wires working under Kevin’s skin sound pretty painful, and then the threat of skinning him - I had a ship do something similar to someone in my story Flaying Solo, leading to a reviewer asking ‘Did you feel even a tiny bit gross when writing this??’
The oral rape here is pretty much Eparlegna being Eparlegna, but also Luzurial being Luzurial – she submitted to the assaults in Whore of Heaven to try to save lives, and it’s the same thing here, but of course here she knows what he wants to hear and gives it to him. There’s some nasty little details in there that make it feel very “Whore of Hell” sequel as you point out in your author’s note, with the sounds and the unpleasantness of Eparlegna using the burning sword to torture Luzurial’s stumps. It’s got to be physically and emotionally painful for both Luzurial and Kevin (and later on Kevin being careful not to touch her stumps was a really nice touch) and emotionally painful for empathising readers so you absolutely succeed there... and then, yeah, a crowning moment of awesome and funny when Kevin shoots Eparlegna in the testicle, and follows it up with just unloading the rest. Punctuated with bullets for emphasis as TVtropes would tell us :D That’s a real high point for the story. Especially the extra final bullet in the crotch. As emotionally harrowing as this part can be that’s a major up-point (another more understated high point is Luzurial’s inner pleasure at getting Eparlegna to pull in his strength and remove the barrier)
This whole paragraph also feels like a very Eparlegna moment –
“I won’t kill her. That would only destroy her form on this plane and send her soul back to Heaven. Of course, wouldn’t that be a glorious sight?” He laughed, drilling her throat even harder. “Imagine her, standing naked and downcast at the gate, raw stumps in place of her wings, my seed dripping from her gaping holes as the trumpets sound and the chorus of Heaven sings out: ‘Welcome home, Luzurial the Pure!’” Luzurial wouldn’t meet Kevin’s gaze, but tears ran down her face.
He does like the sound of his own voice and it’s the kind of image he would revel in. Plus it’s yet another sign to the readers that he’s a right bastard.
It totally makes sense Kevin’s got Alien film design as a pop culture ref in 75 years – they’re still making King Kong films today after a similar span, and they may well end up being as Iconic as the old Judy Garland Wizard of Oz anyway! Though with more chestbursting and less munchkins.
When Eparlegna bursts out in his whole badass draconic form it’s great imagery. He’s not just on the screen in the lecture theatre, but he’s right there and he’s on the move. Things look bad for people, even with a little respite.
So, yeah, the ending. The ending is great. It’s got some real emotion and it’s pretty heartbreaking to see Luzurial thinking that he doesn’t want to touch her, but then it’s so sweet when she looks in his mind and it’s so human – there’s the lust but even more powerful the totally non-objectified enjoyment he takes in her company, the good things he feels about her, with the three comparisons, Again it just feels like brilliant writing. And, then, yeah, she looks again and sees he genuinely doesn’t feel less of her and the tears come again. It’s a very emotional section.
And, well, she knows exactly and truly how he feels for her and then “Please touch me,” Wow.
Poor Kevin, though. Sounds like he’s going to hear the plot of Whore of Heaven next. At least with Luzurial telling it, he won’t have to put up with the typos, dodgy grammar and incorrect capitalisations that litter my take.
Part 6 is another amazing part. What a great story.
It is accurate. There is that stark contrast. You
feel dirty, despoiled. How could anyone ever touch you again. Ad nauseum. It takes a long while, but it eventually sinks in
You aren't responsible for the cruel actions of others. That they want you to feel worthless.
Anywho, You did wrath superbly. Also, loved the necromorph referance even if the series died with a whisper.
I would say this a great chapter with lots of cool monsters. It is a good mix of creepy monsters and really fun parts like the Pride scene.
It is very smart how you use the initial slaughter scene to set the tone of the chapters so that don't need to much into gore to make the rest of chapter scary. The lair with the dead students still impaled by the spike that killed them is a great scene.
One point that maybe could use improvement is the encounter with the invader where you literally describe Kevin looking at how the invader looks like, but don't really add any visual description. Readers with a good memory might recall the visuals from earlier chapter, but this would be a good point to repeat some visual detail since the character is actually staring at the invader. Actually using this kind suggestion might be tricky since too much description in combat will distrupt the action.
Good tense chapter, with some good creativity for the Id creatures running amok. The Charnal Spider especially was certainly an interesting aspect of Envy, but I think that should have been implied a bit more in the story itself as I didn't know outside the Author's Notes.
Also, the use of metres and kilograms seems a bit strange. While I'm especially used to using metric in distances, it's odd to see American's using it so much. I guess unless they've finally switched over... but it's just a small detail that's stood out to me.
Otherwise a pretty solid addition.
Part 5 review!
Very much flowing on from the end of the previous chapter and leaving the reader with things to look forward to in the next part, as well as ending on a pretty high point of SCIENCE! More genuine laugh out loud moments, and that creepy as fuck critter, and at this stage we’ve met most of the characters so they can get on and do their thing. Some badass monster killing! I still kinda feel it’s a shame that there wasn’t room (well, alright there was room but it was too darn crackfic silliness) for the stoner and her id Construct getting high together and listening to music, but maybe that’s a story for another time.
SPOILERY REVIEW POINTS AHEAD
I think the opening does a pretty good job of expression the horror with the just-killed lust monster and dead students seem from Kevin’s point of view. The bloody descriptions with just enough detail for the mind to imagine it even worse works great. Things got fucking messy in the lobby.
The paragraph with Luzurial singing to bring out the virtues is great – I feel it works much better here than the wider-area version in Whore of Heaven, particularly the way you describe the light. Like Abdul says, it really is amazing. Also, the virtue wolf fighting the next monster is cool.
Nice foreshadowing about the spider critter being bad! I mean, if a penis monster is not so terrible in comparison it’s gotta be pretty grim. Although, Luzurial giving it that hardcore piercing definitely defeats it handily!
First laugh out loud moment for me was with the teacher and the pride monster and his statement and the reactions, as well as the pride monster deflating. That dude’s pride doesn’t even take a beating when he is found cowering and saved!
The slightly amended Lailah story is still just as interesting – I just realised I could probably use Lailah myself for the Chastia story if I ever finish it. (since like Chastia she also serves under Luzurial). Would you be alright with me swiping your Jewish folklore ref?
“Wait,” Abdul said. “Are you saying the Archangel Gabriel’s got a girlf—?”
*DING*
Second big laugh. Gotta love that comedy cut-off :)
“Expect death, torture and rape,” Luzurial said. “Those are what Eparlegna does to amuse himself.” That sums the fucker up pretty well. I love all the little touches you include to show how badass Luzurial ought to be, like just the spear spin, to kicking the doors right in at the auditorium. Another great horror image with all the impaled bodies. Eparlegna has been amusing himself for sure. The description of the prisoners in the cage, either praying or just trying to look small really shows how terrified they are, and Eparlegna is just in his “man of wealth and taste” form, doing all the monstrous shit while looking human. I bet they really, really felt like their prayers were answered after Luzurial breaks them out.
That ability to make spikes shoot out from the ground and impale things could be useful in a fight in the final part if you’re still thinking of things to include.
The metal tentacles are great, fun call back to the stone tentacles from WoH. That threatened crotch sporking is a nasty idea – worthy of old Eparlegna. Hana was lucky as hell that Luzurial was there to save her from that, even if she did lose her skirt.
“You’re the ape who vandalized my favorite statue,” – that line made me chuckle a bit, (I mean, the statue was a tribute to his mother!) Luzurial’s slight reaction, that Kevin sees, to him calling her whore is quite powerful, but it’s great how they work together to keep him distracted so the prisoners can escape, it just works really well and then more badassery from Luzurial with the thrown rod and just “How certain are you of that?”
Eparlegna’s little facial twitch – Kevin winding him up is never gonna get old :)
Calista seems like she has a sensible attitude to me. Never do what the penis worm wants is a good rule of thumb. I remember when you first tossed it at me, I replied “Even separated from the rest of the story like that it’s a great line so I can see why you like it.” and all I can say now is works even better in story! Is there a reason that Calista saw it first up on floor 5, then when it couldn’t reach her it goes down to the Lobby? Is Lust... Calista’s sin? Is Abdul doing some serious satisfying off page?
I like all of Abdul and Calista’s interaction together it feels very real and that charnel spider is really horrific - Charnel Spider is a heck of an image. It’s the kind of bloody gore critter that wouldn’t be out of place in a professionally published horror work. That engagement ring is a nice macabre touch. You’re doing a good job with building up the tension there. Even the sound effects work great, from the approach to the all caps. You’re right about that monster being pretty messed up, but it’s in a great engaging way. A spin-off children’s book, “Charnel’s Web” probably wouldn’t sell too well. This line, “one of the corpse arms reaching for him, an engagement ring glinting on a finger as manicured nails came for his face.” That’s more active horror than the genuinely nasty image of the critter with the stolen flesh all over it. Fucking creepy man. Abdul’s impassioned promise he won’t let Calista become part of the spider has a good emotional punch.
They beat it with science! Finishing it off with the two shots is a very zombieland “make sure” moment. Heh. Gotta have a big bang at the end of the part, but then Calista’s really coming into her own with her established App Theo knowledge for making the right ammunition. It’s all there foreshadowed in this and earlier chapters!
The Pride bit was hilarious.
Not even an archangel could pierce that ego. xD
Now the lust manifestation was interesting with the sudden prince albert. Lust is one of the most dangerous. Bloodlust and all that.
It really speaks of Kevin's character that he's willing to face the Invader like that. I get the distinct feeling that when the time comes it'll be Eparlegna that blinks.
Also, Mad Love for the Charnel Spider. I do love Nightmare Fuel. Hahaha.
Another good addition to the tale, and I like how Luzurial is working through her issues. It's solid character building, though I am concerned for what's going to happen inside as she's not at her strongest and she's got major issues with the Invader.
Eparlenga though... I mean he can't be at full strength. I have little doubt he'll be defeated only because he's rushing into this so quickly. Though Hobbs does seem to have a hell of a lot of power in the PPD.
I think my only real criticism is that you of all the cultists those two were the most set up besides Hobbs, and they were schmucked before they could become any kind of real threat.
I really like chapter 4 of the story that delivered a good build up for the coming battle. A number of spoilers follows in the rest of the review.
The beginning of the chapter was nicely done with showing the accidental nipple flashing from both perspectives followed up by her realizing she could again read thoughts. I suppose the ability to read thoughts is very much a double edged sword. Great to learn the secrets of the enemies, but also open Luzurial from seeing how any failure of her translate directly to the faith of good people will start to falter so they expose themselves.
The scene with the birds is well done and makes me realize there probably will be a confrontation much more early than I anticipated. The follow up scene at PPD confirms it but honestly Eparlegna comes accross more like a Buffy villain named The Judge than an dangerous evil mastermind. (The Judge in Buffy was supposed to be unstopable demon that has immune to any weapon forged by man and his conquest could only be delayed by having his body cut in parts by a magic ritual, unfortunately for the The Judge when he reviews science has moved on and Buffy execute him by firing a bazooka. Wonderful scene as the minions realize what is happening and the demon meets his end too confident to realize the danger).
I really dig the way you use the lecture scene with the video clip to do lots of subtle info dumping on the reader. The description of the hellfire is one of the best ones I have scene.
The final battle scene is pretty cool, even if I think the way Luzurial catch of the car is a bit too much superman style of superheroics. If you are superman it is just a regular feat to miraculously catch a flying car and throw it back towards the enemy, but for ordinary super heroes the level of strength have difficult to compensate for the fact that you will slide backwards if hit by object with large momentum and not have a matching foot holding. The classic super hero scene is the super hero being pushed backwards, but still standing with the car in his hands afterwards.
A final thought...Kevin and Abdul must be incredible dense. They have just seen a weakened archangel throw cars around and being immune to ordinary bullets and still think it is a good idea to go after the being that trapped her in the statue with just ordinary bullets. It would make more sense for them to actually take the angel killing bullets with the hope they will work on a demon also than taking bullets that bound to be useless.
Part 4 review! Certainly starts earning that violence tag, but it all flows really well with a good balance of action and not action. Folks looking at these reviews and trying to decide why to read... go ahead! Read it! It’s worth while!
Thank you for writing such a wonderful story. It's one of the finest things I have read that wasn't properly published. I
SPOILERY REVIEW FOLLOWS – being careful not to spoil anything not in the later parts. I think.
After the tentacoo wape and, well, gynophagia, at the end of the last chapter it would probably have been easy to carry over that dark mood into the start of the new part, but instead there’s mounds of originality on display. I’d have probably made a bit of a boob by staying in the gorefest, and ended up looking like a tit. I’ll make a clean breast of it – I was trying for some puns. I’ll stop now before describing Luzurial and Kevin as a nice pair or something, don’t want to rack up bad feeling.
What an opening! Same impact as when I read the draft sent me, but better because it no longer has globe! You’ve hot a certain amount of contact embarrassment with Kevin’s situation and unwanted wood (and not even morning wood, the dirty peeper!), but you’ve got a description there that puts across Luzurial’s attractiveness and also gets into Kevin’s simple pleasure that Luzurial is getting stronger. Yeah, he’s got a crush but it doesn’t come across as “Nice guy” creeping to try and get something, he comes across as genuinely decent and concerned. And also a breast man. (Self insert tag? :p)
I liked the interaction with Abdul. He’s upset and she’s effortlessly putting his mind at rest... before suddenly he’s got a bit of a worry because she can see his thoughts. I half think of the old Simpsons thing “Think unsexy thoughts! Think unsexy thoughts!” Of course, before then, Luzurial’s still dealing with her PTSD, but it’s kind of nice she gets a few hours sat out calmly enjoying the day.
Epalegna’s got that ‘man of wealth and taste’ vibe going on, so it really segues well into the brutality of what he did to Caulfield. And whooo Cassie made a bit of a mistake with that one didn’t she? “Defeated” is possibly the worst choice of word ever heh. I mean, sure, it’s true, but Eparlegna’s reaction when she says it is a real “Oh crap!” moment. I mean, they know the shit he pulled last time when he wanted his own kingdom. Only 10 followers? Eparlegna’s follower count matches me on twitter. It’s quite cool how Cassie has the box even larger than her, and there’s just that hint of mass shift, and out comes a pen... anyone who read Whore of Heaven can guess what it is, but for the rest it’s neat how it comes out of nowhere later in the story.
The lecture felt like being in a good old friendly lecture, but the Battle of San Francisco footage was an amazing idea. This is part of what he did the last time, and everyone knows it from history as a big horrible event and then bam! It’s the invader. He’s back! I liked old MacBride, at least he got it quick I guess. The description of what happens to the students hands trying to open the door is a really nasty image – good job! It’s just a burn, but it comes across so well, especially just after MacBride has found out the pen is mightier when it can turn back into a sword. That and the paragraph describing the invader footage really get that violence tag earned, and it isn’t even over yet!
The whole dance scene was really good. You’ve got the wings exposition in there but it feels completely natural. No pins danced on, but that’s a human philosopher thing! It was also pretty sexy, and from an AFF reader point of view that and the opening is a nice bit of sexy spice. This story is the absolutely opposite of the Porn Without Plot Whore of Heaven and way better for it. Almost a bittersweet suggestion – she wants her wings back, the chance to return to heaven, but she’s definitely starting to realise there’s things to remain for on Earth.
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” he said. “I haven’t practiced in four years. What happens if I step on your toes?”
“A bullet struck my forehead to no effect,” she said with a reassuring smile. “I doubt your shoes will harm me.”
See that’s kind of badass, but it’s also pretty funny. Kevin worried about Luzurial’s toes when she got only briefly inconvenienced by a railgun to the chest earlier.
The flashback really works there too, for showing the defeat good and clearly both for people who haven’t read the original, and to show what she’s got to fear. No wonder Kevin can tell she’s upset afterwards. Probably for the best if most people don’t read the original – and, hell, the flashbacks throughout are either going to convince people they’re right not to, or make ‘em interested. Either way it’ll be for the best :)
Badass action scene! The agents sound exactly like Eparlegna’s people. He does enjoy a bit of sadism and the perversion of justice. I liked how Luzurial just broke Sabrina’s wrist - she’s not taking shit, and that guy’s gonna have regretted having the wrong ammo. Sabrina’s joyful arrogance before being so totally outclassed is pretty fun. It’s appropriate the guy who likes gunning people down finally tries it on someone who can’t be with normal rounds I guess.
My favourite lines were
“Hey, wingless!” because it sounds badass, and it’s also quite a nasty taunt given Luzurial’s history, but also makes Sabrina taking the SUV back in the face even more deserved, and also the more subtle changed-humanity of this line -
“Her sunglasses had been knocked off during the impact, and red light flickered from her eyes, as if flames burned behind them. “
“That's pretty chilling.” Was my original reaction to this, and I stand by that. It’s another example of calling back to something from Whore of Heaven and doing a much better job with the concept than the original.
“No sin was beyond forgiveness, but these two would never ask for it.” Is another really fine line. Plus it means Luzurial can ethically and morally just fuck them up for being damned and demon inspired and trying to hurt her and her friends.
Kevin being smart about not taking anti-angel bullets was a good touch. Kid’s really thinking things through. Old Kevin though because he didn’t read Whore of Heaven he’s not yet grasped the full horror... he only thinks Luzurial was cut open. Well, guess what Eparlegna... Mommy’s home... and off they go to help and rescue. Good place to end the chapter, it’s got a bit of a cliffhanger feel even though there’s not urgent danger outside (inside, trapped with Eparlegna, well, yeah, danger).
Kevin’s right – watching Luzurial kick some ass is hot. Great stuff!