Part Six
There's so much happening in this chapter, but I'm going to go ahead and pick out my favourite bits.
The confrontation was amazingly well done. Very reminiscent of WoH and I particularly like the image Eparlegna gave us of Luzurial appearing at Heaven. That's very cruel, and it's so true to character. The transformation that's done for Kevin's benefit is quite daunting too. So many good bits in that scene I can't possibly list them all. I probably missed saying this last time, but I love the imagery of the dead students sitting upright in place like an audience - very good.
The sin monster of Kevin's was amazing, and I kind of like sloths, but the idea of a gigantic faceless one chasing me is quite frightening. Unlike the spider, I can definitely imagine letting the creature defeat itself the way Kevin did. Great writing!
Now, the beginning of the aftermath... I get how Luzurial feels, but I wonder, because clearly she made the choice to submit to Eparlegna to protect, and I'm surprised she's not logical enough to understand that even afterwards, she must continue to make that choice in her thoughts. Especially given that she's an archangel, she must understand those kinds of choices, and accept the inherent risk in them. The only way I can explain it is that she feels so much for Kevin that her emotions are clouding her judgement of herself? In a way, meaning she blames herself instead of accepting what has happened. Hmm... she's seeming very human all of a sudden. I am not sure what to make of it.
Favorite passages of this chapter.
No. He doesn’t get to take anything else. (This is an important part of healing.) That affirmation.
also this (So this was how it was meant to be) To see it as it was always meant to be. Something not taken but given freely. A positive experiance helps.... as is repetitive reminding of the good ;3
"This is like the difference between shooting someone and nuking a city."
Eparlegna's arrogance is endearing. Just watching him puff up like a peacock. Its like threefold at this point. If Lucifer has to play subtle maybe... Just maybe its cause being this overt might have consequences of the unforunate variety.
The difference between arrogance and confidence is razor thin indeed. What happens when she reacquires her sword?
I really like this chapter that managed to mix quite many themes in a good way.
The scene when Luzurial does her inne will trick to the water is very cool and helps lot to make her angel status be something more than just super powers and wings. It also works as a good buildup for the later development when you consider what a girl flipping her hair means in body language.
I liked the scene with cold blooded Cassie and the explanation for the attack on he UCLA seemed kind of logical if you are a meglomanic. A smarter plan would of course been to stay hidden until he had disabled the magic shelters and used more smart methods to find minions but it is Eparlegna..
Looking at the end game of the story I think I would like to see narrative where the humans bring down Eparlegna and he comes for Luzurial for revenge but she has healed enough emotionally to defeat him. A final battle where Luzurial does the task herself can of course also work, but that misses the point about humans are supposed to stand on their own. I do actually have a kind cool idea for howw she could recover her sword, send me a PM if you would like that here the proposal.
As for the sex you really deliver here and has written something that really fits with the build up. It is both smoking hot and deliver on the emotional themes of story. Each time you write about your supposed lacking authors skills it makes me shake my head in disbelief. I look forward to the end of the story and think you will create truly spectacular.
Part Five
Lots happening here! Good job describing the carnage in the lobby. I could see the blood spray everywhere, and smell it. Lol, not sure how Freudian the idea of Luzurial killing a giant dick is, but it made me smile.
I was a bit puzzled why they got everyone else to the entrance, then split up and let Abdul alone to get Calista. Seems like a few moments here wouldn't have made that much difference. But I did like the confrontation with Eparlegna. That line, “Now how many mortals have I heard scream that?” was particularly spot on.
I like how they dealt with the spider, though I'm not sure I would have had that kind of clarity of mind when it was trying to get in the door, lol.
Now it just remains to be seen what happens with Luzurial. I sense it's not going to be easy for her...
Wonderful, as usual! Thank you so much for writing and sharing your work with us. :)
Chapter 7 review – Review number 30? That’s some decent amount of feedback! I’m glad it isn’t just me.
I say you did a pretty darn good job with this’n. Given the sex codes at the start I think I can say without spoiler that the sex is pretty smoking hot! It’s definitely different to how it went down in Whore of Heaven. I also really enjoyed the little call backs to the old story in this part, although that won’t anything to a lot of readers! Luzurial’s recalling the past shows some of her angst and regrets, but is really well written. There’s some utterly nice little lines throughout really.
SPOILER VERSION OF REVIEW! QUIT READING HERE IF YOU HAVEN’T READ PART 7!
“Well fuck that guy,” he said. “I’m not dignifying him with his real name.” - I liked this, Abdul’s right. Also, Eparlegna does have kind of a silly name.
Kevin’s reaction to Luzurial coming from the shower and getting into bed is all kinds of fun. He can’t help his powerful attraction but being a good guy about it. The way he’s literally stuttering after that peck on the cheek and needs the cold shower, heh.
Luzurial’s magic hair drying - “This one archangel has an amazing hair trick! Salon owners hate her!”
“Those are sandals, Kevin,” – reminded me of one of the James Bond films, he picks up a sandwich and asks Q what it is and Q points out it’s just his lunch. Then, the sadness over her sword is more powerful with it being an extension of herself. Definitely a bit more emotional.
The scene with a the agents is pretty good with the foreboding. The destruction of the havens is an absolutely perfect reason for Eparlegna not moving immediately – if he can defeat defences that might be used against him then taking a few days to do it makes a heck of a lot of sense. The good guy agents under Chloe not knowing who to trust has some good paranoia, too. Good for them Hobbs is no mind reader.
I really liked how Luzurial wanted to look up at the stars. In a way it’s looking at the largest portion of the glory of creation you can at one time from Earth. Maybe. It was nice, anyway. The section describing the 75 years in the statue, in pain, sometimes unable to even think with it... it makes it really clear how she suffered during that time. Does a better job than I did, really! The end of the section with him comforting her and them by the pool is a nice peaceful image.
Also, this line “The lights in the pool were on, and as they shone through the rippling water they cast an ever-shifting latticework of soft blues and greens on him.” It’s just a really nice line, it stuck out for a kind of beautiful imagery – can really see the dancing colors.
...and then Cassie. Fuck Cassie! Seriously, tough Cassie is fucking evil! It’s a really chilling section especially that bit about how she still sees Adeline, and the hostility is gone. Just, wow. I don’t think it would have quite the power if she went for Adeline directly. Eparlegna tired of Cassie’s wavering faith and made an example of her (or just a sandwich) I don’t think many readers would complain.
Also, when it just hints that Hobbs is so much worse at the end, wow, more even more chilling. He’s a guy that Eparlegna actually seems to like. What a bastard! I liked how he just shrugged when Cassie looked at him. Not his problem! :D Eparlegna’s anti-creator rant’s very much in keeping with his WoH thought processes. The explanation of the purpose behind Eparlegna’s attack at the ApTheo building, drawing out more mortals he can use, was a good little touch. It provides more of a reason for it than ‘Just wanted to fuck some shit up,’ which is normally a pretty good reason for him, but nothing wrong with more of one!
There’s something else there – the specialists coming in place of emissaries. This absolutely makes sense – and not just because there won’t be an ancient holy priest turning up and Kevin awkwardly explaining he’s just been conducting a hands on examination. One of the major plot drivers of Whore of Heaven was that it was supposed to be human champions taking down Eparlegna, and then at the end humanity knows a lot more about what they might be facing – so the major religions would be sending in all their badasses to take a shot during the second Rupture. That Eparlegna is just fine and dandy with this, and welcomes it, suggests they might be heading into a shitstorm – well, unless the whole thing is resolved before they finish kitting up and flying over... Something for us to think about!
I totally understand why you’ve made the re-write changes you have. It still flows very well – I did like one line in the old draft ‘For a long while, the boy held the archangel while she cried.’ That it felt a shame to lose, but the new tone works even better than the original.
The summary of how she was abused... I mean it covers it well, pleasure and pain and pleasure again, and emphasising the gentleness and just needing the pleasure and I think it does a good job of showing how badly she was treated, and the shame she felt over all those forced orgasms. And that’s the root of it, isn’t it? Really good descriptive passages throughout here.
And then, well, it’s a slight lightening of tone but I did smile when he asked if she’d always looked like that. Does a great job of pointing out the issues with the celibacy and that the angels are clearly created with the anatomy for a reason. They can eat, shit and fuck! Or make love. One of them.
“she was laughing too hard to explain what “Hodie omnes divites si Deo placet effecti eritis!” translated to.” Fair enough, but maybe a translation in the author’s note section for those readers who didn’t do medieval Latin? :D
Sex scene... but how he realises he’s going to have sex with her and the it builds up until he’s inside her... it’s really well done. Nothing stuck out as needing changing to me. The how small line was another one that made me smile, but in context it really works especially after that pelvis shattering cock of her final pre-statue rape. I really like how they both get so much out of the intimacy of kissing, that works wonderfully throughout. That kiss to give him the strength not to get his dick crushed was a great one. Very sexy writing! I liked the way he was careful getting consent for things, after her previous experience it showed concern as much as anything.
“I want to lick you,” he said, not caring how it sounded.
It sounds really great! I think the way she just wants him in her first, but he still gets to go down later is cool. He’s a very considerate lover! Honestly, there’s so many great lines in this, expressions, and sensations and the erotic movements, and asking him to clean her and him licking. Ya nailed the sex scene like a virgin nailing an archangel. Sorry, I was never good at similes. It’s beautiful and sexy and I think readers will love it as much as I have.
S’just beautiful. A penis doesn’t magically fix all of her problems, but she still gets the comfort part of the Hurt Comfort equation in there. I hope she’ll find a greater sense of therapy and closure by the end of the final part, possibly after a certain amount of violence – It’s something I wouldn’t be able to do justice to, I think. It would come across as exploitative ‘rape-revenge’ stuff with me doing it, but you already avoided that route with the ApTheo confrontation where Luzurial was all about protecting and freeing the innocents. Well, mostly innocent (I mean, they’re college kids...)
Then, mood whiplashwise, absolute laugh out loud moment with the discussion around Gibbs’ favorite angel and shooting her. Genuinely hilarious! Also, the “VD building” nickname was another good gag. I think going with the tower of scummy lawyers will work really well.
The big chase scene was epic – I genuinely didn’t know if they were going to get trapped inside or just make it – so that badass driving paid off. Nice little band of good guys as a foil for the evil followers. 4am... it’s going to catch a lot of poor fuckers in their beds, with nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. I am really looking forward to part 7. An awesome out-run the wall scene at the end there!
This is brilliant stuff. Thank you once again for writing it, and bringing something worthwhile out of that old WoH filth.
Part Four
Maybe it's just me, but there's a serious lack of strategic thinking here on the part of Luzurial & Co. If you're going to go into a dangerous situation against an evil, spiteful psychopath, or a demon, do not take people you care about with you. They're a weakness and they will be used against you. Silly angel! Silly humans!
I really liked the car throwing bit, and I could have stood to read a few more details there, and with the other agent.
You have a knack for getting me lost in the story (as evidenced above), and I could see that video footage as clear as day - terrifying and absolutely brilliant! :)
I'm really enjoying this, and right now I'm trying to ration the remaining chapters so that I don't run out of them. We'll see how that goes, lol.
Thank you for sharing!
Part Three
I know there's a great scene later in this part, and yet I'm not going there right away. I wanted to point out how much I adore this particular juxtaposition:
Luzurial was an archangel of the heavenly host, tasked with guiding humans and protecting them from threats they could not imagine. She had proven herself in battle a thousand times over. She was power and grace and virtue and compassion made flesh.
And she couldn’t stop crying.
Especially in this context, it's such a powerful literary device, and it touched my heart. I love that you're not shying away from the psychological implications of what has happened to her. It's so important, and it will inform how she acts going forward.
So, we now know at least a couple of the human baddies, though I'm quite sure they don't know the fate of Eparlegna's last human lackeys. I hope something similar awaits them.
Poor Barbara - I really felt amazingly sorry for her, but the scene was hot at the same time, especially the moment when she realised she wanted it. Interesting that the tentacles didn't fill her mouth too.
And he's back. Bugger.
So...I've never actually written a tentacle scene before.
Ahh... those were the days... *reminisces fondly*
I'm not sure what you're worried about - you did a great job! And for what it's worth, I've read more than a few tentacle scenes, and written a couple. I wouldn't have had you down as writing your first one :)
Honestly I'm not sure what kind of thing you were into writing before you came here to AFF, but it's clear you've a great deal of experience with it. Your prose is excellent. There are a handful of authors I can just settle down to read, knowing I'll be entertained, and you've joined that handful.
That certainly must have been difficult to write, but the whole chapter was well done. Some pretty solid action bits, and good descriptions of creatures. I think the danger though of introducing so many different forms and creatures is that you slow down the action to show what it is. And this chapter should be very fast paced considering all the chases.
And those chases were quite well done. Lots of destruction and fear and some good scrambling milimetre escapes.
The other thing I'm concerned about this story now, is that this is going to turn into another "woman heals from her brutal rape because of a man". Especially for something as seemingly powerful as an arch angel, the story seems getting primed to place her in that "soft weak female" box that needs the protection, help, love, and affirmation of a man.
Part Two
Well, as you can imagine, I love this idea of applied theology, and the coming together of different religiions to defeat the demon. It also ties really neatly into the events of Whore of Heaven, and how the demon was able to use faith to his advantage.
I was even happier when the bullets didn't harm Luzurial, and she seems quite taken with humanity. It's easy to imagine Angels being inquisitive about humanity, and I wonder if the reward for her bravery means she's going to get to dally on Earth for a while and indulge her curiosity.
I didn't say in my earlier review for Part One, but when the female cop turned up, I was quite suspicious and uneasy, having seen in JayDee's story how the worst in people can be manifested. I rather think there are enemies, even if we don't know who they are yet. It remains to be seen who they are, and whether they are truly dark souls, or if they're just unwilling to accept Luzurial as an ally/protector/friend.
A little bit of concrit here, but I keep getting thrown out of the story a bit when you mention the height of characters in centimetres. Only my opinion, but since we know Luzurial is tall, unless it's important to the story in some way to express everyone's exact height, I'd ditch it.
Also, you have a typo here: Gibbs, you’re target’s a blonde
Chapter 6 does really deliver with a good mix of action, nasty taunts and nonconsensual sex. One taunt that I was expecting, but found missing, was the demon promisihing to use her own offspring to make her pregnant again. Maybe you are saving that for a future chapter.
The ending was very nice and give a very good reason why you can take the story in a direction where you focus on building character relations.
Speaking about monsters I think I actually was more impressed by the sin creature in this chapter. The spider had a real creepy description, but the way the heroes deal with it was a bit MacGywer style if you get what I mean. The way the hero defeat the sin creature in this chapter is very classical, but it is also a quite clever way to use the defining feature of the sin creature against itself. I found this encounter more rewarding.
A final thought...them taking the elevator when hunted by the demon. Either the elevator design has improved in incredible ways or they are very brave. As I write this I get the mental image of the demon snapping the wire of the elevator in triumph and future style safety system of the elevator taking them down safely as computer inform them that the wire has malfunctioned but they do not need to worry since designer promise the elevator is safe in all conditions.