Chapter 9 is very good new part of the story. You could make the argument that this chapter has very little of the mundane interaction between the lead characters that makes the story great. On the other hand it is fitting that the story ends with serious fighting and you make great use of the scenes to show how characters make use of their expertise to prove their worth.
Spoiliry part
Great scene with Gungnir shoot out. It is kind of funny since if the bad guys had packed some less powerful weapons they could had blasted the LTF to tiny bits but since they only had Gungnir as long range weapon the heroes get delays to close the distance. One thing that got me kind of confused is that Gibbs shoot hits the floor after pierching the enemy...seems to suggest that lobby is lower than the road towards the tower. Up to that point I assmed the tower to be surrounded by flat ground and all bullets would be horrizontal.
The switch of perspectvives to the lobby is very well done and works very well to avoid the bullet by bullet detail of the fight. I really enjoyed the fight with sledgehammer guy and the bad ass way she wins the fight open for the IMO best quote of the chapter "No, she just works for him.”
The scene when they discuss Luzurial not using her special power 75 years ago was good and IMO fix some of plot holes in the original story. It all ties perfectly with the later scene when she is saving the female hostages. The wording about her as a messenger and reactions from the captures women was very nice.
Great that you managed to make use of my suggestion about special power for a certain individual. I really enjoyed the trap and hope that the bad guys will repeat deliberately trigger traps by using Abdul in the next chapter. In any case the bad ass save done here was really tense and written in a cool way. I really look forward to reading the rest of the story.
“I have made mistakes,” she said, “but the very fact that we stopped here is because I am endeavoring to learn from them. I cannot change the past, but I’ll do all that I can for a better future.” Rising to her feet, the archangel assessed her own strength, opening and closing her hands and taking a few steps up the stairs.
“Are you ready?” Chloe asked.
“Yes,” she replied. “Let us continue.”
My favorite bit <3 The fractual trap was good too. Easily an infinity of agony to get trapped in one.
I can guess that Eparlegna is kinda putting all his eggs in a basket that's all or nothing. He needs to harvest faith doesn't he. Kinda makes him seem pathetic in a visceral sense.
Huzzah a Gungnir! Even if it missed unlike the legendary spear.
Part 9 – Spoiler Free Review!
Sorry for being so slow to get the review up. Today was much busier than I expected.
You did so much so quickly with the first few parts I thought maybe you’d burned yourself out completely , but here you are back, and writing as good as ever! That co-writing with Mask seems to have helped in getting you ready to come back here! (and since you’re good with the UI here you could always be the one to post the story and tag his account!)
Wowsa!! You’ve kept up on the quality of the earlier parts for damn sure. This is a great read. Well worth the wait. I’m really happy, selfishly, for the chance to read more of this story but also happy for you getting through the rut and back into writing it. Good on ya!
I am really looking forward to the ending. To seeing how it all goes down before the epilogue scenes.
So, yes, lots of good action, a really solid trap idea and dialogue that flows as naturally as it could do. The appearance of Michael Van Dijk is no real spoiler with his building already being identified – doesn’t seem to have changed much since he was young, except physically.
Super sad section – even for a soulless monster like me who can’t understand human feelings – but damn did that character get a badass moment near the start, returning fire. Also Luzurial, in general, badass. Great new chapter!
SPOILER SECTION BELOW.
NO SERIOUSLY, READERS.
MY THOUGHTS ON A WHOLE LOT OF WHAT HAPPENS.
You killed Gibbs! You bastard! After giving him that badass “Shoot a fucker through his own gun” bit, and “shoot an angel without realising what she was” bit In the earlier part. You’d never catch me killing someone with an NCIS na- nevermind. Actually, it’s almost a bookend.. One dying at the start of Eparlegna’s story, the other at the end. It was really effective the way you did it, with the initial spearing in his leg, and then getting worse but just the sound of it from Calista’s POV. Chloe’s reaction afterwards, too, was really well written -came across super well.
…I hope Ackerman gets something suitably nasty done to him! Like, really unpleasant. Can be re-assigned to the PPD’s New Jersey office?
Back to the start for more thoughts:
That whole section with the driving at the building, Luzurial directing the bullet-dodges and then boom, shooting the fucker through his own gun is just great. Gibbs! Solid action opener! That one bit about the bullet “parted my hair” heh. Also “big enough jerks to make an angel sit in the back” double heh. Heh heh if you will.
I also really like how you get to show what the firefight felt like from both sides, with the actual effect of the guy being shot shown from inside – and, yes, Abdul’s reaction is pretty fair there. Oh! Him still managing that “she just works for him” line as Ackerman reacts to the divine fire was pretty funny and kinda cool that he managed it despite everything.
Fight with sledgehammer guy still comes across really well too – He never had a chance really, but that description showing the divine fire attack makes it really easy to envision, and of course takes a bunch of energy out of Luzurial, nudging that things aren’t just easy for her, though we hope the good guys win eventually, it isn’t going to be easy. She hasn’t an infinite power well. But she isn’t giving up either.
Eparlegna making use of his resources – the very tall building to almost mock a wingless angel, the hell traps and servants to slow and weaken them on the way up – has some similarity to his previous planning, getting someone onto his ground and into his grasp without maybe as much planning as 75 years before, but still the best he has to work with. Seventy Five Floors, Seventy Five Years… nice echoed number, didn’t spot that before!
Luzurial of course can see exactly what he’s doing – I get why she was a little short in response over her need to rest on the way up, but it absolutely makes sense. She is weighing necessary extra risk of delay against the alternatives and making a sound tactical decision. It’s heartbreaking when she explains about how she still thought she could save them, too. Maybe if the first story hadn’t been written by such a prick!
Cassie’s fiery eyed “Shut up” was a cool moment, plus that ‘master’s in my head’ line about betrayal… that was pretty chilling, even if she’s basically saying she’s fine with the new world. Well, maybe until she finds out more about what a bad boss Eparlegna can be, or runs into pissed off good guys…
Old Mike groping Cassie! You managed to fit it in! Well, it’s nice to know he’s in character. Will Luzurial get him, or Cassie? Someone will! Either way, for what he did to Private Flynn’s distant cousin of decades back and all those other women he deserves what he’s got coming to him.
Kevin and Eparlegna’s meeting on the rooftop. Two really cool things 1) the still-living heads on spikes of the people in the building who pissed him off and 2) free standing pillars for no apparent reason. Both very Eparlegna and also got some call backs in to Whore of Heaven.
Kevin’s feeling of violation with the mind reading while rather liking Luzurial’s felt like a realistic reaction too – and I really liked Eparlegna’s explanation that that’s basically what he does.
“Violation is my trade, mortal,” the demon said. “I enjoy it, and I am skilled in its execution. As for what I want with you, you are going to do for me what the Whore did seventy five years ago.” He smiled.
*Goes back and checks for MM tags*
*Unaccountably relieved*
The holy women in the spike pen below – I never explored closely what they were really thinking/feeling with Whore of Heaven. I think you do a much, much better job of it here allowing them to feel more like characters even with the ones who are barely described than anything I did. Once Luzurial turns up and the “messenger” moment, that is subtle but really cool.
The Fractal Impalement Trap (and, awesome band name too) is, for all that it killed Gibbs, a genuinely brilliant idea. Spikes grow ‘til they stop, then more, then more, then more sprouting out. It’s slowly sadistic enough to really to appeal to a right bastard like Eparlegna, and the whole scene of them caught and losing Gibbs plays out brilliantly.
Luzurial healing Calista, too, I guess “technically” she could have left her until after the fight and conserved more energy but I feel like this is one of those times where she wouldn’t even hesitate. That nasty little detail of what Calista’s remaining unhealed part of the damage looked like was gruesome, but fits in with the flash frying – like how the pain goes as the nerve endings are destroyed earlier.
I didn’t know who would die first from the good guys, and honestly while seeing Gibbs go is sad I totally get why it comes here and that some of the others might not make it through – after all, this is humans fighting for humanity against the bad guy. He’s gonna have gone to the good place, right? Like, 30 seconds later,
“…fuck, that’s a tall angel. Can you send me back to help the boss? I can do zombie! Wait… why are there all these spider named characters? Wrong zombie city!”
It’s another crime of Eparlegna’s and I, like I suspect a lot of readers, am looking forward to him getting his just desserts.
Thank you for writing part 9, and indeed thank you again for writing parts 1 – 8. It has been a great journey and with the last part so close I’m gonna enjoy seeing it.
It’d be nice if a few other lurking folks who were looking forward to the end de-cloaked and let you know – I mean, you’re putting this out here for free!
I was so excited to see this at the top of the list today! It had been so long, I thought perhaps you'd given up on this story, but I'm glad you haven't! This has been an excellent read. I've enjoyed the dialog, your excellent desciptions really paint an image in my mind so I can imerse myself in the world and the scenes, and the bad guys come off as convincingly evil. Can't wait for the conclussion!
An excellent beginning to the story! The writing style is engaging and really drew me in: there is enough detail to catch the imagination without dragging, and the dialogue flows well. I also like the humor worked into scenes, as it helps balance out the dark material. Kevin is relatable and sympathetic, and of course I feel for poor Luzurial and want whoever did this to her obliterated with extreme prejudice.
Although as a side-note, I would mention that properly speaking, her name should be Luzuriel. The -el suffix meant 'shining one' or angel in other words. So the archangel Michael's name was Micha, and he is an angel, so Micha-el. Thus, it would be Luzuri-el (without the hyphen, I'm just spelling it out). I know that you are borrowing the character from another story, so not even really your choice, but I just wanted to mention it.
I also liked how grounded the story is, despite the supernatural occurances. This really helps keep things feeling real. Every time I'd wonder about something practical, like "but should she be bathing if she has stitches?" the characters and the story would answer the question. Great stuff and I'm looking forward to more.
This has continued to be very well-written story. Again, I really commend you on your dialogue: not everyone can capture the feeling of actual conversations, and I think you do very well at that. It helps to keep things immersive and impactful.
Very good work on the id constructs, too. Each one was interesting, genuinely threatening, and well described. Also interesting because of their method of creation: it really makes me wonder what my own id construct would look like. Do we really know what our own worst sins are? And what they might look like brought horribly to life?
Lazurial is a great character, and I've enjoyed getting to know her. I think you've done a pretty great job depicting a person whose immense wisdom and knowledge are tempered by a kind of innocence, and whose emotional fragility is tempered by her resolve and force of will. The interplay between her and Kevin is sweet and fairly believable, and it is nice to see her getting some level of comfort and help in dealing with the horrible things she's been through. Although if I were her therapist, I'd prescribe cracking Eparlegna like a wulnut for real therapeutic relief. I know, easier said than done, but it gives me something to look forward to. It was a great moment when he got shot in the balls.
Looking forward to the next chapter!
Chapter 8 was a great read from my point of view. The interaction at the beginning of the chapter was nice. The idea of sex ending because of Luzurial getting worn out...seems much more likely that a bit of mind reading happened and she did not want to make him feel that he had let her down and faked her exhaustion.
The exchange when arrived at the barrier was good written and I liked that humans had thought really hard about the situation, but that Luzurial could give them some good input. It is also very good that Kevin and the other hang arounds are not allowed inside. It is obvious they need to be there eventually, but bringing civilians into the war zone would be silly. A slight suggestion...maybe you could in the next chapter reveal that Brendan as demonic ability got the ability to change his appearance. Would give a nice explanation why he avoided capture before this and could also open for Luzurial can make them escape a trap when she realize she cannot read the thoughts of person they meet.
Finally I must say that the execution of the battle with the crawler was very good. That monster fight worked really well and it reminds the reader that some of id constructs are damn scary, it is not just cannon fodder for the soldiers.
So, review on Chapters 7 and 8.
Good build up towards what I believe is going to be the end. You have a good set up for a final showdown. Loved that you showed the soldiers being professional, the atmosphere was good, and the creatures creative (seriously. That sloth thing, well done.)
When it comes to the sex, it was touching and sweet. That's important for what you have of the characters. But... I'm really confused to how Kevin lasted so damn long for his first time, over an arch-angel. I know you mentioned Luzurial not being experienced, but neither is Kevin. Other than that aspect it was well done. And also well done on not magically curing her with a dicking.
I'm also super happy you didn't have anyone give in and let Kevin, Abdul, and Caliste go into the rupture of their own free will. There's love and wanting to be with someone, then something that... just doesn't happen in real life. Not exactly a lot of stories about families following deploying soldiers, or Tactical Police Units and such to their engagements. Not sure why Kevin feels the need to, but I have a feeling it's cause 'soft woman must be protected by my maniliness' even if he doesn't admit it. It's a bit of a theme with him despite his words. Thoughts and actions right?
The one thing that bothered me, was Brenan. How he was able to just walk through and no one questioned him. Did Chloe really fuck up and not make her concerns public to the military she's been working with? Not even a hint of this possible danger now that the chips are down and the rupture is up? And he just drove out, without getting a single bullet in that SUV? It came across as setting up stakes and drama for the sake of setting up stakes and drama.
Otherwise, two solid chapters, and I'm looking forward to the final showdown.
Part 8 – And so onto the last completed part. It’s a little bittersweet because it’s been an amazing read but there’s only one more part to come. Although if you do write more in the same universe we’ll get to see more so there’s that to look forward to sometime. And if it does take longer than you’re expecting to get the last part written and to the standard you want, no worries. I’m sure it’ll be amazing.
There still some hot sex in this part there, good stuff. I like the theme of folks doing what they have to do here. I’m glad you left in the Jericho Option description and response, too. It’s such a cool image and also seeing how it was seen by the regular folks. Some really cool moments too, either great imagery or badassery.
SPOILER HEAVY COMMENTS
“I lost my virginity to an archangel,” is such a fun line. I dunno why, I just liked it. Loved the touched by an angel gag too. It’s really
One of my favourite bits in this part is the description of Luzurial going through the barrier 75 years before (the pun on meteor is great too. I like all the gags) I remember at one point you were considering dropping it because the Jericho Option doesn’t get used following Luzurial explaining why it wouldn’t work, but the imagery is amazing, and it’s also some quality writing and dialogue.
Your man Bruno actually comes across as a good ‘reasonable authority figure’ type, he’s the man on the ground he knows he’s going to take casualties and he’s doing the best he can. Seemed like a pretty likeable character. Speaking of names, I liked that “Sounds Spanish” “It’s not” exchange – at least a bit of a recurring gag if not a running one! Made me laugh. Just from an ego thing, having Private Flynn in the same universe as the Vin Dijk building is awesome as a shoutout to other stories I scrawled.
The whole section with Luzurual filling in the soldiers just works really well. That bit of the end of it, the fact they know the kind of things that happens to female POWs, that was a pretty good touch. It kind of shows Chloe could expect things to go very badly for her if she was captured, but she’s doing her duty. It’d probably be looking bleak for Flynn, too, come to that. Chloe’s got a bit more in common with Luzurial there, for the horrors to face.
“I am literally talking to an archangel. Death doesn’t seem as scary as it used to.” I mean, he’s got a point, but there’s worse things than death in that universe.
I like the hugging! You’ve pretty well established that Luzurial is taking a lot of comfort from those tactile exchanges, and in an earlier part letting Kevin know she wanted to be touched by him, so he knows it’s a comfort to her. Plus, they’re just sweet.
Where Luzurial kind of explains she has to go back and try again, because she’d be haunted if she didn’t, and then Kevin has that brilliant “I don’t want to have to pull you out of another statue.” Line, that’s all pretty moving.
The Machete is a neat little substitute. I’m guessing with Luzurial’s strength behind, it wouldn’t need the inscriptions to kill some of the things in there – the hybrid evil folks – but it’s another good touch showing the preparation the world has been making against demons – new weapons against them and all that.
“It’s why I exist.” ...I was going to crack a joke around the original meta-reason for her existing, but I was thinking about it today and came with the idea – I may be wrong and making totally inaccurate assumptions! - that a part of the meta reason she exists in this story isn’t just you feeling bad about what happened to her back in Whore of Heaven, it’s because of your belief in her and how she should be there doing her job, destroying evil that threatens humanity? On that basis the four words there just feel a whole lot extra powerful. She’s almost too good at her job, because presumably a lot of the other angels doing her job felt the same way, but she was the one who ignored the command because she just couldn’t stand by.
That graphic flashback to just before Eparlegna was reborn from her really helps show, that for the loving sex and the hugs, she is still a long way from being over her trauma, so with what you comment in the author’s note I’d say you nailed it. Another reminder that she suffered horribly with what he did to her. Revenge ought to be sweet,
The changes being made to the VD building are cool – strong echoes of what Eparlegna did the first time round, but with cool extra touches like it being up high, and the chains joining in. He’s got a real “evil dark tower” vibe going on with it. Plus the phallic symbolism is very him. He’s not going to take over a dome when he can have a giant metal and steel cock shoved into the sky.
The discussion over Luzurial weakening herself was really well written, Luzurial wanting to do what she can, having to admit it will weaken her as it did before... but this time at least there are a lot of soldiers trained and ready to fight back, ready to sacrifice themselves to achieve something instead of just die.
“So many of you will die,” Luzurial said, hearing the pain in her own voice.
“You’re a soldier, right?” Leary asked, his assault rifle pointed at the street intersection a few hundred meters ahead. “Then you know sometimes that’s how the job is.”
“We’ve been preparing for this for the last seventy five years,” Chloe said. “Please, trust us.”
There’s something about that bit especially, I teared up a little bit. It’s similar at the end, where Chloe’s gonna go in with Luzurial and the whole PPD squad have her back. Not just the dude with the big fragging gun. Speaking of,
Still loving Gibbs continued awkwardness over shooting at Luzurial. He gets that badass coilgun bit at the end of the section, too. Feels a bit Sci-fi but also like a videogame weapon almost, which has a nice echo to the whole videogame-like champion fighting back suggested at the end of Whore of Heaven. I still say you did a much better job with your champion and companions taking out Eparlegna. Could be an awesome stand alone story in that some day, too, if you (or someone!) fancied writing the demon prick getting the smile wiped off his face that first time.
The way you get Kevin and the others inside the Rupture is totally brilliant. I didn’t see it coming at all – I figured with the mentions of the possible rupture expanded they would be caught up in that, so it was a really well thought out way of getting them in there. Brendon seems a really nice guy for a demon serving asshole – like Hobbs being nice to Chloe about her IA worries back in part 1. His line about Kevin’s girlfriend probably killing him totally fits in with the persona, but it makes sense Kevin would spot the problem. This is another guy I hope we see get his comeuppance, along with Cassie and Hobbs and the rest. Heh, also, Calista wanting extra credit for Eparlegna showing up during her lecture made me smile.
Abdul getting a good line again - “I’m a very big fan of not getting shot in the back.”
I think it’s cool you bought back Martinez – it works better than having her show up for one brief scene and then not appearing again, and readers will have that spark of recognition, too. Considering Luzurial’s experience with fine officers of the LAPD the last time she was in town it’s probably good for her to meet one who isn’t a corrupt rapist. (She didn’t really get to meet Bernice who was a fuckin’ hero.)
The section where she recalls the ID Constructs appeararing, the self-sacrificing officers and the SWAT teams getting as many as possible to the shelter, comes across even better than I remember it before. These desperate folks know what’s happening and they manage to fight a defensive battle to supposed safety... until the crawler shows up anyway. That’s another bit you could almost do an entire stand alone story on – I remember you saying you’d had to cut various bits for reasons of length, I hope you get to re-use or re-visit them sometime!
The bit where Martinez calls on the radio and the gang-member answers is creepily well done. That realisation that her two comrades are dead or captured is great.
You’ve done it, anyway, the sloth monster slug comes across as intimidating as fuck. The way nobody can fight back as it just slowly bites the guy’s head off is pretty nightmarish... and I was very concerned for the kid, too. Talk about your big damn heroes moment.
“Master likes women, especially cops.” – She’s not wrong. He does enjoy a woman in uniform.
Lilia met the street thug’s red eyes, winked and shot her through the head, This is one of my absolute favorite bits in a story with a lot of ‘em. Partly, it’s a fucking awesome reversal of what happened to Bernice, mostly it’s the whole catching her by surprise, fucking winking, and then putting that bullet right through. Fucking killer moment. As it were. Then Luzurial finishing off the sloth monster and Apparently that kid had rescued Wonder Woman – was funny.
Luzurial’s reaction to seeing Kevin being taken in the car was great, felt very her – that extra jolt of misery because if she still had her wings, she’d catch it in seconds and Brendon’d be screwed, that works really well.
So, yeah, fuckin’ loved it. More outstanding writing! You’re a creative genius, you are. As I mention above I am really looking forward to the last part/epilogue, with the sadness that once I’ve read those, that’s it... it’s finished...
"75 years earlier, she had given into despair. Never again." Hands down the best bit in this chapter.
also,
“Dios mío,” Lilia breathed. Apparently that statue had contained Wonder Woman. xD