There are times where I'm like you're defintely a published author. The end cements it.
You are right the ending is so very important.
You delivered an eldritch horror quite brillantly and the power scale is what really sinks it in. Even if mine is in the same weight class at least while he dwells in the underworld.
" You have been a more effective tool of the Creator than any I can remember, so I think it fair that none in my dominion shall suffer so much as you.” I shivered like daaaamn.
I am thankful my alternate earth is far removed from this setting. That said, My luci would choose humanity over this counterpart every single time. Just because he doesn't want the world to end.
"In an imbecilic way, it’s almost an achievement.” Not as much as that almost literal middle finger from God from last chapter. That was easily Eparlegna's magnum opus by a long shot
Also, Confirmation from last chapter that Lucider was watching. There's something oddly hilarious about the Creator having to confirm something that should have been obvious and you can't tell me the Creator didn't sigh the moment he realized what the powers did.
Creator: But I gave them primary and secondary sexual charactistics for a reason... there were a few it hadn't granted those to were... The Powers. The creator could only imagine what else had been lost in translation. Well at least the scribes would have something to do upon his clarification. As if the random doodles in the margins weren't a tip off that something had gone awry.
The seraphim nodded in confimation to its thoughts. At least his daughter would be thrilled. Now if it could get Gabriel to stop inspiring rabbits... Nothing mortal could keep pace and shouldn't try.
Review of chapter 11 (very spolity)
This is surely a combat heavy chapter and at the start of it was kind of worried. Luzurial going into combat with the demon instead of letting the humans take the lead is pretty close to what she did last time. Taking too much personal risk because she did not want to blast the innocents the demon was using a shield.
The smart thing would IMHO be to go in together with the humans and provide distraction so the humans could get their killing shots. Problem is just that this is not who Luzurial is and she rushes in to save Keving while her human allies are left fighting the apotheoses below.
From another point of view I really like beginning of the combat when Luzurial is having some difficulty but manage to get plenty of good attacks against the demon and show that she has improved.
Switching back and forward between the two battles is done in good fashion. I like how the advantage shifts between the two agent groups, both trying to take advantage that they know how the others are trained. (btw I think you had one case here when you say Leary's is sending shots when I think you might mean the apotheoses). Hobbs is the best minion of the demon used so far and you really hate his guts before it is over. They way he dies is fitting, but also proof that the bad guys was stupid that puts such thing in motion.
The interplay with the demon and Luzurial as she must keep her weapon protected since it is manmade is great and when the balance of the battle shifts to the demon's advantage you know things is going to get rough and messy. The "You dropped something" line is a killer moment narrative wise and I really enjoyed how you repeated that scene.
The demon's gambit with the needle he used on Kevin seem very fitting and on it self a smart way to drain Luzurial's reserves...but it is obviously quite a large mistake. I really enjoyed the moment when she regained her wings. As for the argument about why she gets her wings back I argree with the argument given. The first time she went into combat assuming that she could not lose despite her acting against the instructions and her walking into an obvious trap. The second time at the lecture hall she did not have needed resolve and was not ready for prime time battle while still assuming it should be her fighting. This time around she goes into combat because it is needed, but without assumptions about that it will be easy to win or that she can save Kevin. When she fails to save him she turns to faith and that shows that she has learned from her mistakes.
I look forward to reading the end of the story.
Chapter 11: Eparlegna’s Moral Bankruptcy. Well. I missed being review 50! I’ll be 51st. Although really, that probably ought to Puerto Rico.
Splitting the final part in two definitely feels balanced and re-reading part 11 it feels easier to absorb all the action here with a break for the ending. Sensible choice, I’d say! Just damn awesome stuff, incredibly well written for a free story on the internet and it is a genuine shame it hasn’t attracted more readers here, or elsewhere. I’m loving it!
SPOILER REVIEW BELOW
You finally did it, you got to where you wanted to be all them years ago, restoring Luzurial but leaving her stronger. Turning her weaknesses to strengths. Even explaining her decorative armour. I got no jokes to crack. It’s a fucking amazing finish that makes a fucking amazing story even more amazing! Brilliant emotional push at the start with the bad guys – both Hobbs and Eparlegna – getting things their own way pretty brutally (this’d be the section to post to that depravity site as a teaser :p) before it flipping back around to increasingly awesome moments and the off-the-roof hanger at the end!
I didn’t find it dragging at all! If you did want to split it into a couple of chapters for the length, help some of the readers with a bit less time, or just to spread it out a little more I’d say you could do it pretty solidly by ending the chapter after the section ending ending with
No wonder it took you so long to get to the end of it, with so much to cover, and call back to, and pay off all that stuff.
So, the opening fight. Luzurial’s still got her doubts but Eparlegna’s gotta be stopped. Some callbacks to Whore of Heaven (like the spikes later on, amongst others!) that work really fucking great on their own. Taking advantage of his distraction absolutely feels like something she’d do- shit, she’s a warrior not a choir boy! More Eparlegna arrogance. First blood to Luzurial with that backslash was pretty cool too. Open him up, let him bleed some. I also just liked the more subtle inhumanity of the line of Eparlegna’s teeth sharpening to fangs as he smiled. It’s just a body he’s wearing, but he can mold it like a succubus shifts her chest…
Then… Noooooo! You killed Leary! You bastard! He didn’t go out like a bitch though. Took out that other fuckin’ apotheosis and only got jumped by Hobbs -and the strength advantage of those blood pact fuckers is well established at that close range. Showed some more of Hobbs’ sadism with him just giving Leary enough time to think about it before shooting him. Clever too, showing they can get the drop on the agent because they know his training, but Hobbs is in position to take advantage of their own action -and he’s got more experience!
Hobbs actually had a pretty badass run here in total. He’s got the strength, the skill, the training and she’s still younger, just had another friend and colleague murdered and he’s playing with her…
“I kept imagining what it would be like not just to kill someone, but to utterly destroy her like that; to punch a ‘strong’ woman to the ground, to let her feel the difference in power, and then every time she tried to rise, to hit her harder, over and over and over again. It was…unspeakably thrilling.”
“Congratulations, Hobbs,” Chloe said. She was getting very close now; just a little further. “You have a fucking extreme fetish. I’m sure there are other people like that, but they keep that shit in their heads. It stays a God damned fantasy.”
Hobbs: Snuff/Guro fanfic writer avatar vs Chloe, InBrightestDay avatar right here.
And he’s breaking her bones and taking her guns and forcing her to just have her mind to use against him. It’s a big mistake. Scott Evil somewhere shouting “why don’t you just shoot her?” but it isn’t bond villain stupidity, because killing her isn’t as important as hurting her. t’s him engaging in his fantasy that he’s laid out, he wants her fully broken, screaming and begging. It makes total sense.
Then onto what’s probably one of the two darkest scenes for Luzurial… but that You dropped something,” moment when she loses the blessed machete does allow for a really badass echo later on! This is where Eparlegna gets to bring back some more of the spikes he likes to use, and the imagery of him herding the unable-to-fly Luzurial with them is effective. I did like the line of Eparlegna feeling confident and taunting her as a heavenly cocksleeve, and the line about the mortal she’d spread her legs for. Very Eparlegna! That said, all your lines for him are great.
The last bit as she gets her nose broken, her teeth, screaming through the blood in her throat. Super brutal, but obviously it’s short term as she is healing fast as established in earlier chapters and I think the emphasis on their supernatural durability allows both Eparlegna and Luzurial to take convincingly terrible wounds and keep fighting. The whip around her ankle, getting it in before the section after back-to-chloe was a pretty cool image, too, just off her feet!
So, back to Chloe. Beaten, bleeding, unarmed… but not completely unarmed. That super strength pelvis breaking crotch punch – fucking ow! – Luzurial healing that later on must have been a hell of a relief (Luzurial having had a bad pelvic moment of her own at one time). What’s great about this is that Hobbs is seeing her for her body, he never even considers her mind, and she outsmarts him and fucks him right up with that well foreshadowed and subtly reminded prism trap explosion. Two dozen pieces! You don’t need gory description, that just encapsulates the whole thing. And he has just enough time to realise like Leary…
Most of the next bit is super super badass! She fights through the intrusive memories of her darkest hours, (ie, calling back to what some asshole put her through ‘Whore of Heaven’ Uh. Oh crap. Hope she isn’t baring a grudge.) and climbs. The. Fucking. Flaming. Whip. I think you need the brutal detail in there to show just what she is forcing herself through to get close enough to deliver that bitching ‘my name’ line and go inner-light on his ass. Then, bam! That great echoed dropped this line. Fucking love that! Then it gets even better with the “I believe that’s mine” “You believe wrong” exchange! That there, just a few words, is great fucking dialogue.
S’all a matter of faith.
…into the next part. Fairly hilarious understatement at the start there. The mortals are owning the shit out of his id constructs and followers this time, and Luzurial’s got her sword back. The way he explains a little throwaway bit from the ending of Whore of Heaven to actually give it a proper reason rather than mindless cruelty – and at the same time provides exposition for folks who never even read the fucking thing! – is pretty awesome. The whole scheme, the chains, it’s bringing the old plan about on a citywide scale. He did have enough time for a plan after all! More foreshadowing too, about Lucifer being unlikely to be happy. Heh.
An void needle! Oblivion! That shit is brutal. I like the ‘as far as she knew’ modifier, something similar had happened to a mortal but she was still the creepy fucking statue at the time! The description of the effects as it takes Kevin apart, unmakes him, is really cool. Proper rot and decay, literal mortification of the flesh. Good thing his junk makes it out untouched, right? :p I like how Eparlegna is confident she no longer has the power to reverse it, so his sadism allows her to view it all un-interrupted. Let her try and fail? Just hurts more. Then…
Then, this bit, this makes me tear up a bit. She gets her wings back! Her inner light! She’s not praying for herself, but for the love of the mortal and to stop the mass murder of the city and… wham. The real surge of amazement as the power pours out of her, and even Eparlegna is ‘aw crap’ This scene here is one of the very high points of the whole story.
One more simple few words with a fuckton of power:
Sometimes the answer is simply “no.”
Sometimes.
But not always.
And then,
Then perhaps I need to break you again,” he said, smoky shadows gathering around his body. Luzurial stretched out a hand, her sword leaping from the ground and returning to her hand. She stepped between Kevin and Eparlegna and gripped the weapon with both hands.
“Go ahead,” she said, searing flame erupting along the length of the blade. “Try it.”
FUCK YEAH! BAD ASS!
And this time when Eparlegna goes into one of his threatening rants she cuts him off on pregnant. She is so tired of the sound of his voice and she is herself again and a$%^$£^%£^£$^£$^ fuck,dude, it’s so good.
Kevin’s been great throughout. He can’t help so he does what he can not to distract her, and then when he’s seemingly dying, he’s still keeping it together some. It’s not really his chapter, it’s hers. And Chloe’s.
…and yeah, it’s a great high point to end a chapter on! Final run down to come. Battle against Eparlegna’s final form.
I hope everyone else reads and likes this as much as I have!
Part 12 to come! And I already know it’s great.
Dang, when she got her light and wings back, that actually made me tear up! Great job!
*Silent screaming of joy* You uploaded right after Rationis on purpose =p
This was such a heavy hitting chapter. *cracks knuckles* in order
5.“and I doubt Lucifer will take this well when you two meet again.” Oh there's no way he's not listening at this point. Eons of planning and one demon is fucking it up singlehandly.
4.“Because,” Luzurial said, “you dropped something.”
3. “Enjoy Hell.”
2.“My name,” she said, iron in her voice, “is Luzurial.”
1.
The Creator hears all prayers.
Sometimes the answer is simply “no.”
Sometimes.
But not always.
The Creator's response is so multifacted.
I read it as the creator simply consenting to their relationship.2 A giant middle finger to Eparlegna. (Which in retrospect might actually be the most impressive thing this demon has ever acheived) 3. That fatherly affection of not saying anything but grinning in approval 4. That fatherly expression of watching your littel girl do something impressive all on her own and 5. That little nudge that a parent does to uncertain child that gives them the confidence to achieve.
I've really enjoyed this story. I think I've mentioned in another review, but I think you do an excellent job of describing scenes, so much so that I get a vibrant picture in my head of what you are detailing. I love stories that can make me see that. I was worried for a while that you weren't going to finish, but I'm glad its almost complete now. Can't wait for the ending!
I think it was a great idea to split the ending into more chapters. There are far too many minions of the bad one that deserve a fitting ending to jump directly to the final battle.
The chapter gives a good reminder that the demon might be arrogant nutcase that is bound to lose, but also that the hybrids that caused so much problems for the heroes are just meant as distractions from the demon. I very much enjoyed the chapter that served as good build up for the upcoming ending.
Spoility part of the review below.
I love how the heroes keep growing from their encounters while the bad guys are too obsessed with the enhancements to improve. The kneecap scene was totally badass and very fitting.
Speaking of the trap for this chapter I found it nasty...but it suffers from a problem often seen in roleplaying games. Traps that could result in total party kill removes some parts of the fun because it quickly becomes obvious that they must not go off because they are too leathal. Considering the heroes has an angel with them that can detect magic traps the bad guys are quite stupid here. The good play would have been to have two traps...the magical one that is meant to be discovered and a mundane trap that would be triggered when the heroes avoid the first trap. I am totally look forward for the heroes to taunt the demon about the bad trap design in the next chapter.
The action sequence the with door acton was quite good and suggest a way that the demon can make sure he gets Luzurial on her own in the final fight. I suppose the humans will find that the delay has given the demon time to errect a barrier. A cool twist would be if the humans discover that the prism trap has expanded to block their way and they must backtrack to previous floor to fix the matter properly and thus comes too late to matter for the final fight.
The encounter between the Luzurial and Michael was funny and totally fitting. I like that she as angel does not have any problem with dealing violence when situation calls for it.
The ending of Cassie was fitting and maybe the demon can use the corpse to try to trick Luzurial to believe that he really killed a mortal there and she was too slow too intervene. Kevin would of course be able to intervene...except that totally creepy needle. I so look forward to learn what thes invader is planning. Keep the good work.
Chapter 10!
Had to read it through again after that preview! One thing I didn't say before, I think it really benefits from being extended again from the original story length. Allowing the extra detail and words really emphasises that they're not just having an easy trip up the building and also gives more insight into both bad and good guys! Really enjoying the heck out of this so far and almost sad the ending isn't so far away because it has been a hell of a good read. It works fine on its own rather than just as an extract of a larger chapter. Thank you for writing and sharing it!
SPOILER HEAVY PART OF REVIEW AHEAD
Bad guys getting some payback here! Kneecapped! Burned! Sent to speak with the manager! (…and surely it is now canon that in the K-Team earth Michael Van Dijk is much the same except he’s a not a dude, but instead called Karen Van Dijk. Still way evil though,).
So, back to the start of chapter 10!
Cassie definitely shifting into too dumb to live territory. I mean, Eparlegna’s track record with women in uniform isn’t great at the best of time. I did like her explanation that she’s not much of one for faith. Gotta love Eparlegna’s Darth Vader line.
Hobbs’ genuine pleasure line – he really does enjoy his work! Given him actually having faith he presumably expected he’d be up the nuts in her guts before the story got much further on. That’ll teach him. Briefly.
Heh, Eparlegna getting aroused at Kevin’s memory of fucking Luzurial. That was pretty funny. And, you know, arousing. The paragraph. S’good stuff!
That way he grabbed ahold of Kevin out of nowhere was pretty awesome. Start burning… then stopping. Shows more creativity with his powers! And then that conversation there it’s a good way to put Kevin’s motivation into words isn’t it? Ya also get to emphasise that Luzurial’s the fucking badass and Kevin is just some guy, you know?
So, down to the unfinished floor – The prism trap is a pretty cool idea. I’d be like “Just gonna test it some more” and throw in like Neapolitan ice cream to see if it split that properly. I liked the image of the ceiling dropping on it and just being diced and not achieving anything – and that didn’t even happen, just character thought! S’good writing where you can get imagery like that in minds just from maybes.
Leary spotting the old thread and not getting tricked was pretty awesome. Just kneecapping the fucker then two in the head. That whole exchange was pretty cool – nice to see ‘em not get away with it every time. Also liked that little explanation that Luzurial was gonna get involved but didn’t need to. Partly for emphasising that it is again mortal agency saving mortals but also for reminding that she can sense those fuckers.
Great badass moment of Luzurial just tearing the door out an using it as a shield. That’d be an “Oh crap” moment on the other side. Abdul so shocked by the door rescue he doesn’t even have a joke to make! It does make sense to get someone to lead him back down the way they came – send him on his own he’d maybe trip a trap. Which doesn’t involve billy goats. Unless it’s a billy goat trap.
Eparlegna going to the Ironic Punishments department for Cassie. “So you like burning alive? Have all the burning alive in the world!”
Cassie, discovering fire elemental heritage: “More!”
Eparlegna: “I’ve made a terrible mistake.”
Wait, no, but that was fucking brutal, especially when she screams. And Eparlegna got another of his awesome bad guy speeches beforehand, this, right here, this is so him:
Their dedication to their faiths, to helping others or to saving my new slaves did not stop my creations as they beat their soft flesh into bruised and bleeding meat, split their cunts open and made them squeal like the filthy little pigs they were.”
Yup, This guy’s a rape demon right here.
And then after Cassie dies in agony and her soul descends down to the pit there was a line that made me laugh out loud, that just switched the mood right away.
“It’s been like three days.”
That needle in the arm made me shudder. I guess it’s something to fuck Kevin over with when Luzurial arrives rather than just to hurt him?
Michael richly deserved that shove out the window there. How many times have retail workers, faced with a demand to speak to the manager, wanted to drop someone off a building? I mean, not just the psychotic ones who work at home depot. I see from the author’s note that you’re not so sure it works in character, well, I dunno. She is an Archangel and a certain amount of righteous wrath against unrepentant sinners feels like it can be the job description.
This whole section of text where Luzurial compares evil acts to good ‘blasphemies’ is just awesome. It’s like the whole moral background of the universe here. Religion doesn’t even get a look in, it’s being a decent person that matters. Which is why even demons can be redeemed. Well, maybe not Eparlegna.
Saw the little call backs to Mike Rapes a Dyke (my worst ever story title!) and Pandemic Head there! Cadence probably wishing she could see her hated cousin fall from her box under the bed. Some of the shit she did before she was a head probably wouldn’t impress Luzurial too much either, even being decades before, but I guess she can sympathise with someone trapped for decades by a right bastard.
“Very well,” she said. “I will grant your request. There will be a slight delay…” she focused her gaze through the windows behind him, looking down toward the street, “…approximately eight seconds, before you will be introduced to my superiors.”
Loved this especially. That was pretty funny but also kind of badass. At least one of her superiors can be on fire enough that he’d think he’d got to hell early.
Brilliant chapter! I Loved it.
You have no idea how excited I am when you upload. :D <3
Lets get to the good stuff
Of course, Eparlegna would rip off Darth Vader. But that's to be expected a vainglorious bully can't be expected to understand villanous flaire. Kinda see why he's always been the bridesmaid and never the bride.
Cassie blatantly telling him to his face he's going to lose again. Oh that was delightfully satisfying.
Keven telling him its been three days was just hilarious in a calm before the storm kind of way. Since Eparlegna agrees with him.
Every simple act of kindness, every altruistic decision, every child taught to love and every life made a little brighter were all credits to humanity. They were all displays of what sapient life was meant to be.
And every single home broken, every family destroyed, every trust betrayed and every life ruined in the simple, willful pursuit of selfish desire, all of them were evil. They were blasphemies against the Creator. This bit was so incredibly inspired
"you are everything Lucifer wishes your species to become.” That hit so hard, I shivered.
I strongly disagree, Luzurial commiting defenestration is one of the most angelic things I've ever read. Precisely, because it showcases in great detail her angelic nature. Clearly, She's a servant to a higher power and Van Dijk did in fact directly ask her to.
That's peak Luzurial.
A very intense chapter, very fitting as we close towards the finale. And very cool to take small concepts from the original tale and expand on them here. It's very well done, with some good emotional moments that didn't take away from the frantic intensity of it all.
Looking forward to the conclusion to see how this story ends.