Comments on chapters 9-12, and some general ones, too (SPOILERS):
--I love how you combine the use of magic with scifi elements, like the matter prism, and aliens in Hell.
--Luzurial wresting her sword back from Eparlegna was deeply gratifying.
--One thing I wondered: If holy water is so devastating to demons, why aren't more people using it as a weapon?
--I had mixed feelings about the author notes. I liked all the behind-the-scenes stuff, like when you talked about the Van Dijk character being taken from JayDee's story "Mike Rapes a Dyke." But I didn't like the explanations of things that really should have been explained in the story itself, like when you wrote that "What happens to Kevin gives Luzurial a final push to ask for her wings back, but she's been earning them back this whole time." That would have been much better presented in the denouement than in an author's note.
--Speaking of the author's notes, your final one expresses a lot of doubt about the ending, but I found the ending quite satisfying, mainly for 2 reasons. First, I had really been hoping to see what punishment Lucifer might have in store for Eparlegna upon his return to Hell, and you showed me that in as much detail as I could have hoped for. Second, Luzurial being able to spend one day a year with Kevin was the perfect compromise between the heartbreak of their never seeing each other again and the cheesiness of some miracle that enables them to be together for all eternity.
So, well done, and thanks for a great read!
My random thoughts on chapters 7-9 (SPOILERS):
I was a little surprised that Luzurial, having followed the rule about celibacy for literally billions of years, was so quick to abandon it when Kevin suggested that it might not have been interpreted properly. In fact, I wondered for a bit if the whole thing was some kind of cruel illusion being perpetrated by Eparlegna (especially when I got to Luzurial’s flashback).
I loved the scene of the agents escaping the expanding rupture. The comparison with Vesuvius and the pyroclastic cloud made it especially vivid.
I'm guessing that the paralyzing slug in chapter 8 represented sloth, and that the giant tick mentioned in chapter 9 was gluttony.
That fractal spike trap was incredibly original and a perfect sadistic element for the purposes of this story.
I only just now realized that "Eparlegna" is "angel rape" spelled backwards. That's what I get for having my phone read me stories instead of using my eyeballs.
Comments on chapters 4-6 (SPOILERS):
The fight scene in chapter 4 is really well described. There are a lot of details that help bring it to life, like the sounds the SUV makes as it's being thrown, caught, and thrown again. (if an angel destroys your car, will your insurance company call it an act of God?)
The Charnel Spider in chapter 5 is appropriately horrific and well named. I never would have guessed that it represented envy, though.
The interaction between Luzuriel and Aparlegna in chapter 6 really captures the spirit of the original story, but everything else that happens in the chapter adds so much to it.
(SPOILERS ahead for ch 1-3)
I'm three chapters in, and I'm very much enjoying this. I LOLed at "I'm going to castrate him with a fucking spork," and I loved some of the descriptions, like "Her mind whited out in the most intense orgasm she'd ever had." The tentacle-rape scene as a whole is great: not just because you made the tentacle thing really erotic, but because of all the revelations and character moments that happen in that same scene. I particularly liked the bit where Barbara spits Hobbes' cum back in his face, and how much it upsets him. That was a nice little bit of payback before Barbara meets her inevitable end. Looking forward to reading on!
Part 12:
And here we are, the end of a road. Perhaps there are many more before you, but congratulations on completing this tale. First and foremost this has been a great and entertaining journey that culminated in a rather epic finale.
Secondly, I really enjoyed this ending. Didn't drag on too long, but tied up the major loose ends. We know where the characters stand now, and there was lots of nice little references.
I also must say, I love your interpretation of Lucifer. It was very... Lovecraftian, and that was very neat to read. Cosmic Horror indeed.
This has been a treat to read, and was a beautiful ending. So thank you for writing it all, and thank you for sharing. And thank you for the mention at the end!
Chapter 10:
A bit late, I know, and I apologize. But, damn you do the action scenes well in here. Nice and clear where folks are and what's happening, with some good omph for the impacts of blows, shots, and stabs of weaponry. It feels very grounded to see those immediate consequences of violence, and adds to the tone of the story. And you do have some nice and grisly kills in this chapters (that I won't mention for spoiler reasons).
I think the only thing I really feel to critique here is... something I've also praised. Your action scenes are very clear, but there are some moments that seem to drag out juuuust a bit. There was a line about Luzurial's training right as she was snapping an arm out, and it made the moment seem not as snappy as it could have been. This wasn't a common thing, so overall the action was still quite good.
The conversation between Eparlenga and Kevin was well done. A demon toying with the emotions of a young man who just thought he was doing what he had to. And also a good lampshade on tropes we often see with female action heroes. I'm glad you took my comments and ran with them to make the tale better, cause it fits very well here.
You are also very, very creative when it comes to your traps. There's some really neat things in here that just aren't commonly seen in fiction, and more certainly seem like something that just isn't physically possible, driving home the otherworldliness of Hell and the Rupture all over again. Perhaps as much as the ID constructs.
You are handling the emotion and thoughts of the special team well, and honestly... I quite liked that bit with Michael at the end. It doesn't even seem too OoC for Luzurial to do such a thing to such a despicable man.
Looking forward to reading the next two chapters, and seeing how this all wraps up.
Part 11:
What a cliffhanger, but the ending is just the next chapter away, and I'm looking forward to seeing this conclusion.
The dual fights you have going here are really tense. Lots of impact, and lots of pain for both Chloe and Luzurial. Really well done in that aspect. Very... crunchy.
You do very well nailing down just how villainous these two are, and how vile they are. With just their words, they are despicable and really make the reader root for the women that oppose them.
And, Luzurial getting her wings back was just a 'fuck yeah' moment. Well done.
You and JayDee have done really well making this an entire setting. It's been a joy to read.
I think this may be one of the few, possibly one of the only times if I can recall, where I wasn't disappointed by the ending of a story, fanfiction or otherwise. The major players all felt wrapped up rather nicely, the relationship between Luz and Kevin didn't feel rushed or too sappy, I don't think. Their emotions came off as realistic and genuine.
That final battle was great, had all the hallmarks of a big anime battle; over the top attacks and the " believe in myself to overcome' trope that I love so much about anime.
Overall, I loved this story, from start to finish. Excellent read.
Review of chapter 12
The story get a fitting large scale ending with some really good follow up scenes that rounds things off in a good way. Reading these reviews to know if this a good story to read is probably not the best idea since there are quite much of plot revealed in the reviews. Instead I suggest people that interested to read the story, the number of lengthy reviews should be proof there is genuine entertainment to be found in the story.
Spoilry part of the review
The begining of the chapter with Chloe's situation and how they plan the next step is well excuted and work as good setup for the fight between Luzurial and Eparlegna. The actual battle that follows is cinematic, but IMHO not as exciting as it could have been since both have so much power to spare that you don't get the feeling they are spending finite resources to gain any lasting advantage. This changes when Luzurial puts herself at risk to defend the civlilians and reader is suddenly thrust in a very different situation. The interaction with the character born in Belgrade was a pure joy ot read, especially about the bit about finding champions.
I was smiling a lot when Eparlegna took a beating and begun to plan for the nuclear option. The interplay here when Luzurial finds out about her weakness is greatly done and works great to further showing her character growth.
The follow up after the battle when Eparlegna comes to hell to get his reward for his achievements on earth was my favorite part of the chapter. A great way to wrap up the theodicy problem and you manage to get Lucifer to be scary as hell. Especially the nature of this tail was a wonderful detail.
The ending with the events that happens in 2083 was very good and fitting. I really liked the explanation why Kevin is visiting Chandler Memorial Park again. Good throwbacks to small details from the previous chapter that we noted in the reviews and fantastic way to end the narrative journey.
Thank you for sharing this story with us, I so look forward to further stories that you write.
Fuckin' abomination there's only been 3000 readers. If only you'd gone with a "Cole gets male pregnant" subplot it'd be the most viewed story on AFF. Anyway, part 12 of 4, it's finished. It's a perfect finish, Finally got to where you wanted to be all them years ago, when Luzurial was facing eternity in broken agony with only passing Los Angelenos for company. Just glad the fight wasn't in New Jersey, and now, without too much in the way of spoilers there's an ending, the opening for more adventures, and a degree of justice done. It really does read like a proper story with incredible descriptions of character, of place, of scenery, and well thought out plotting that makes sense and purpose. Plus you've done the math. Anyway, onto the spoilerifc review for
Part 12
Chloe’s POV scenes are great for showing the more human scale of the conflict, explicitly so here with showing their reaction to Eparlegna’s dragon form and Luzurial in conflict with it. And, heh, Fellowship – fuckin’ Lord of the Rings nerd right here :p Abdul not getting a lot of lines but making an effort with the one he does. I kind of expected him to try and go help Kevin anyway, but that point about the traps made a lot of sense so can see why the agents managed to convince him to hold off.
Heh, gotta be one of the few non-drugs related uses of ‘chasing the dragon’ there. Ahem. Sorry. The property damage hotting up here too – I liked that line about hoping there would be a city left. When godlike beings war it can be the smallfolk who get the shitty end… Just noticing again their reaction to realising something with wings was facing Eparlegna, the laugh, the smile. It’s kinda sweet. Also the pretty badass description of the flying razor.
Eparlegna rolling to show his claws is super beastlike. Like trying to stroke a cat’s belly. The congealed darkness tentacle attack was innovative and awesome. Luzurial identifying and avoiding it again showing her tactical thinking. Eparlegna losing it with his ‘a god am I ranting’. Just thrilling to read and, you know, keeping the established characters consistent. I liked how Luzurial is no longer bothered about that ranting shit.
And here’s a bit where her old ‘weakness’ is a strength. She saves the mortals, she shows them she’s properly fighting for them. Saving the mother and kid was heartwarming – picking a couple individuals out of the crowd to show us makes it easier to identify, and then there’s Eparlegna just leaping in taking advantage of what he thinks is weakness, what even she does… but it ain’t 75 years ago and she ain’t trapped and bound, and the mortals can see that, and ain’t standing by…
Getting the mortal champion involved, showing a little bit about her, I loved that. She’s like the Bernice of 75 years later, and also you’re neatly going back to how mortals are fighting for themselves in all this. Sure, Luzurial finishes him off, but that’s only because he now has the body power boosted from her. Humans coulda done it 75 years before otherwise, and pretty much did! Plus the soldiers have better weapons here, from the smaller rounds right up to that main battle tank with the awesome gauss gun to the throat. I bet the tankies in that fucker got a few rounds brought for them back at base. I imagine some deep south tank commander declaring she’s wanting that dragon head to go up in her den…
Humanity had been waiting for this for a very long time, and they had not been idle.
Fucking A!
Then, onto the climatic bit. The nuclear option. I just want to say the way you build up to it with the flashback phrases, and Luzurial’s self-empowering thoughts was good – makes me a little teary each time I read the sequence even! - but the actual described effect, Eparlegna getting the shaft as it were, was fuck-awesome. That glowing cloud of plasma and him taken apart at the most basic level. That’ll teach the smug fucker.
Luzurial looked back up, and when she opened her eyes, they glowed like stellar cores.
AWESOME.
SERIOSLY F
Onto the endings! Private Flynn! Descendent of incest! Ahem. Makes sense to use her again rather than bring in another soldier for the few lines. I like how Luzurial is out there healing the worst wounded, triaging like the medivac people rather than coming straight to Kevin because it is the right thing to do. Cool she did a bit of healing for Chloe too tho’ ‘a rather flattering gold outfit’, well, Chloe’s understating there. What’s Cole’s POV? “hubba-hubba”?
Definitely a heart tugger that she has to leave without saying goodbye – but duty, right? She’s got her wings and sword back and she has a job of 14 billion years to do. That little bit at the end about the invader’s soul probably off somewhere…
.,.and then we cut to hell. And the smirking bird head. Ready for a good listen. I love how Lucifer is portrayed, really getting in the alien mind-fuck utterly-removed nature of the seraphim order of beings. Something of the affability he had no doubt at the start, when he slowly corrupted so many of the host from the easy-to-tempt angel that became Eparlegna, to the likes of Chastia (readers: who that?).The way he burns the fucking leg out to make Eparlegna kneel was great, and his arguments totally make sense too – taking claim for the bad parts of religion and pointing out how Eparlegna has fucked that right up for him on one Earth. And the burning and the screaming at the end ain’t even the punishment… it’s the prelude. The description of the Heart of Hell is wonderfully creepy, too, and I really liked the great little descriptions about other regions of Hell.
Then, the final part. Back where it began a year later. This was another little teary bit, when he can’t quite believe it, but it’s her. She’s back. Fucking soppy me, but I did like their kissing, and the mentions of her wings. Bionic Kevin there with his 2080s prosthetics – I kind of expected her to inner-light him back to health, but it’ll be something to work with in any future scenes.
The revelation that she was calling him, like a guardian angel guiding a mortal and he has the free will still to listen. That’s a neat idea. Also Kevin’s awed happy reaction to her wings, and possibly equally awed and happy reaction to how that holy armour works on her chest. Heh, nice one.
Those powers! *Shakes fist* Fair play tho, they weren’t the only one without sexual characteristics, for all the comments about the seraphim being hot.
I thought the Pulp Fiction joke was pretty funny. Meme’rs gonna Meme.
I liked her explanation for the reasons why she wants Kevin, why she loves him as she does. Something she’s basically said before I think, and it totally bears repeating. Also gotta love those jokes on the stamina. Gonna have to give him another power up kiss or he’ll be conked out after a quick feel up of them titties…
…and what a sweet ending. Sitting together, watching the sun rise. After she gets him dry. And possibly after he got her wet.
As for the author’s note – You’re welcome! And thanks for the shilling of Fucking Halloween Party!
I guess that’s me final thoughts. I hope they’re ok. Worth it! I hope the confidence from doing this gets you even more confident to do more stories. And if the readers just arne’t biting like I wish they would for you on original stories maybe draw some in with some fanfic? Samus! Who loves her? :p I dunno. I look forward to your holiday story!
I hope everyone else reads and likes this as much as I have. Thank you again for writing it all. S’wonderful!