Chapter 4
Spoiler Free Review: We get another big revelation in this chapter, and the plot moves forward nicely. In addition, I loved the action scene, which was pretty creative and makes good use of both Jennifer's powers and those of her opponent.
SPOILERS BELOW
Well, we certainly learn a lot in this chapter. Apparently there was at least one demon-summoning individual in New York, and I'd imagine there are more.
Second, Jennifer is officially a member of the superhero team! Also, I love this joke:
"Seem like we have an agent that is going back to desktop work and someone who needs to retake the test," Hockfield said.
"Technically Wilkins is already doing desktop work," Hawk commented. Agent Anderson gave him a hard stare and he went quiet.
Get it? 'Cause he's having sex on a desk and...I'll shut up now. Seriously, though, that made me laugh.
Also...
"It means that the G.S.P. are in truth battling demons, but they don't believe in magic and have thus assumed the monsters must be coming from outer space," Jennifer explained.
CALLED IT! Actually, that's a pretty good twist, and I only figured it out last chapter. It's the reverse of Clarke's Third Law. In this case, any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from (alien) technology.
I only noticed one problem: I think at one point you used the wrong word.
Jumping to reach the lower branches she pulled herself upwards to escape the barricade of stones coming from the whirling towers of earth.
A barricade is a barrier, often improvised. If you meant "a bunch of stones being thrown at her at once", the word for that is probably barrage. Both words originate from French, though.
Chapter 2
You were definitely right about the improved descriptions for the monsters in later chapters, with the C-class getting a nice detailed one very quickly. I especially like the bit during the attack where the C-class reaches for Jennifer and you describe "Its painfully thin body leaning forward in a weird fluid motion". There's something really creepy about unnatural movement, and I liked that you included that detail.
As for Jennifer's part of the story...
With a metallic click the handcuff locked around her arm. His hand continued to search her for weapons. His hand stayed longer on her breasts than was needed. Jennifer struggled to keep her face even.
God, this poor woman cannot catch a break. I'm half convinced that in addition to rapid healing and the psionic shield, the worst luck in the world is one of her superpowers. I mean, at the hospital, out of all the doctors and nurses she could get, she gets the ones who want to kidnap her and turn her into a sex slave. Then, out of all the NYPD officers she could run into, she gets the one who wants to molest a suspect, and another one who's willing to ignore said molestation as long as it doesn't drown out the radio. Then she gets the clothing store clerk who wants to perv on her while she changes, and then she gets picked up a creeper with some kind of strange mechanical device.
Honestly, Jennifer's string of bad luck would be hilarious if it weren't also frightening. The creeper with the camera-like device is particularly alarming, and I am curious to see whether he represents the villainous group the G.S.P. is worried about.
I should also mention that I'm really enjoying the action scenes so far. You have an impressive ability to describe choreography; it's almost like watching a movie.
Looking forward to the next chapter!
So it took me a while but I finally got around to this!
Okay, first off, this made me laugh.
"Stop worrying, we will just run if the monster gets here.
This will end well.
Actually, it does end well, which kind of adds to the joke.
This was also really funny to me:
"Sorry, I should have paid more attention," Thundercloud screamed towards the com unit as he tried to figure out in which direction he was falling.
There's something so very superhero about saying "Oops! My bad!" as you're punched through the air that I can't help but laugh.
We don't get to see much of the actual G.S.P. in this chapter, but the section with them is really just the prologue anyway, so presumably they'll pop up more in later chapters. I did notice that the one we see the most of here is named Thundercloud. Any relation to your pen name?
One thing I might criticize is that we don't really know much about what the monsters look like. We know they have claws and an exoskeleton, but are they humanoid, insectoid or something else entirely? I kind of assumed they were roughly human-shaped for this chapter, but I was curious.
Something I really like is the technique you used to introduce Jennifer. We have this action scene with the monster smashing into a car, and it looks like this woman is just collateral damage...and then we are informed that she's the main character. That's pretty cool.
The stuff at the hospital is simultaneously erotic and rather scary. I actually thought at first that Jennifer was telepathic in addition to her healing ability, and that the whole Master/Slave thing was just her telepathy picking up on the creepy doctor and nurse, but it became clear over the course of the chapter that something else is going on. I also like the mystery of who this woman really is, and that scene of her fighting her way out of the hospital was really fun.
All in all, I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter!