Gem really is intent on payback...good for him! I like how Seven's name is really Sebastian. So cute. And while I know this is a serious story, I love the inflections of humour. The line, "Heh, looks like things just got a little hairy," had me chuckling out loud. Good job!
All I can say is, 'Go, Gem! Take those bastards down.' :D
And the 'Boo!' comment ... priceless, lol.
I'm looking forward to the next update. Keep writing!
There are a lot of errors in punctuation, and you phrasing could use work but i think the story itself is entertaining.
Please take this as positive criticism, but please could you use correct punctuation? For example, there is NO space between a comma or a full-stop and a word. Also, speech marks work like this: "Hello!". It is very off-putting reading your work and having to navigate poor punctuation.
As for the story, there's promise, but there are an awful lot of things glossed over and there's odd pacing to it - it seems to jump around. Having read the original, am not seeing a huge amount of difference.
Damn, Marlo is cold. He thinks he can help Gem after what he did? I know I shouldn't, but I'm sooo looking forward to the revenge part. I want to see them all burn.
Revenge, revenge, revenge! Is it wrong that I want Gem to get his revenge? Payback's a bitch. I hope it hurts.
I was yelling in my head, "run, Gem, run!" My heart is breaking even more now and I want Gem to get his revenge. I want all six of them to suffer, but especially Cale and Gem's brother. There's a special place in hell for people like them.
I love the story, a great beginning.
This just breaks my heart. Poor Gem, I honestly have no words to express how much this haunts me :,(