schedule
May 19, 2014 at 12:00 AM
I came for the sexual content, and wound up staying for the story.
The premise is interesting. Boy who can freeze time, but with X-rated content. Now, that's something you're never gonna get out of a Nickelodeon movie.
The characters are basic, but likable. I'd like to see a bit more variety to their personalities. What kind of video games do they play? What are their interests? I only say this because you might be falling into the Gary Stu/Mary Sue trap despite your stated intention not to. A good story can only carry bland characters so far.
Still, the sex scenes are serviceable. Hopefully, they become more varied as well. Maybe your hero has some kinks in his closet? The mystery of what strange force is watching him has me engaged. I want to know more. Who it is, what it is, what it wants. Keep the story going, because despite my criticisms, I really did enjoy reading it and want to know what happens next.
The premise is interesting. Boy who can freeze time, but with X-rated content. Now, that's something you're never gonna get out of a Nickelodeon movie.
The characters are basic, but likable. I'd like to see a bit more variety to their personalities. What kind of video games do they play? What are their interests? I only say this because you might be falling into the Gary Stu/Mary Sue trap despite your stated intention not to. A good story can only carry bland characters so far.
Still, the sex scenes are serviceable. Hopefully, they become more varied as well. Maybe your hero has some kinks in his closet? The mystery of what strange force is watching him has me engaged. I want to know more. Who it is, what it is, what it wants. Keep the story going, because despite my criticisms, I really did enjoy reading it and want to know what happens next.
schedule
April 6, 2014 at 12:00 AM
Another fun chapter. Frank being told is a really intriguing plot point for me. I'm looking forward to Anthony having more antagonists. Jason is good and clearly still relevant. I'm looking forward to meeting Natalie because all we know about her is that she's hot.
schedule
March 20, 2014 at 12:00 AM
I continue to enjoy this series. I wanted to take the time to reread and get my thoughts together in stead of simply giving my immediate first impression review of the new chapter.
My favorite part about the story is the pacing. It rolls out evenly, steadily, and never feels like its wasting time nor hurried. I love the flow of expositional chapters to sexual ones because the plot continues even the sex happens. The story is strong enough that if the story demands that you follow a sex chapter with another sex chapter, or a full story chapter with another full story chapter: do it. But for now I quite like how it works.
The characters are the draw of the story. You have a lot of different and positive women in Anthony's path. That in and of itself is daunting. But also your male characters are interesting. I like Brandon. I enjoy hating Jason. They add a very big benefit to the story in their very small roles. I'm looking forward to the conversation with Frank. However, the crux of this story is the women. I can't say I dislike any of them yet. I quite like most of them. There is a predatory part of me looking forward to Jordan's turn. I'd also love to see some repeat performances but so long as the story keeps progressing I'll enjoy following it.
As a geek, I often enjoy breaking down people's powers and figuring out tricks and cool abilities. The one that came to me for Anthony was to stagger time stopping his shoes, left, right, left, right, allowing him to walk up air like its a staircase. I point this out mostly as an example of how I enjoy reading your story. The plot devices are fun thing to play with bringing me back to read it again.
And the constructive moment: last time I spoke of run on sentences and your response to it was thoughtful and excellent. Thanks for considering that. This is in the same vein, I'd like to discuss word choice. Uniformly, you use the word sable for black hair. Great word, but a few other synonyms for black wouldn't be amiss. Another one that sticks out to me is using appendage for breast. It's not wrong, academically, but it feels a bit off to me. The "to me" is the important part there.
I've seen from the first publication date and the newest chapter that you are pumping these out at an impressive rate. I wish I could be half as productive. Good luck, keep writing and I'll quite happily keep reviewing.
My favorite part about the story is the pacing. It rolls out evenly, steadily, and never feels like its wasting time nor hurried. I love the flow of expositional chapters to sexual ones because the plot continues even the sex happens. The story is strong enough that if the story demands that you follow a sex chapter with another sex chapter, or a full story chapter with another full story chapter: do it. But for now I quite like how it works.
The characters are the draw of the story. You have a lot of different and positive women in Anthony's path. That in and of itself is daunting. But also your male characters are interesting. I like Brandon. I enjoy hating Jason. They add a very big benefit to the story in their very small roles. I'm looking forward to the conversation with Frank. However, the crux of this story is the women. I can't say I dislike any of them yet. I quite like most of them. There is a predatory part of me looking forward to Jordan's turn. I'd also love to see some repeat performances but so long as the story keeps progressing I'll enjoy following it.
As a geek, I often enjoy breaking down people's powers and figuring out tricks and cool abilities. The one that came to me for Anthony was to stagger time stopping his shoes, left, right, left, right, allowing him to walk up air like its a staircase. I point this out mostly as an example of how I enjoy reading your story. The plot devices are fun thing to play with bringing me back to read it again.
And the constructive moment: last time I spoke of run on sentences and your response to it was thoughtful and excellent. Thanks for considering that. This is in the same vein, I'd like to discuss word choice. Uniformly, you use the word sable for black hair. Great word, but a few other synonyms for black wouldn't be amiss. Another one that sticks out to me is using appendage for breast. It's not wrong, academically, but it feels a bit off to me. The "to me" is the important part there.
I've seen from the first publication date and the newest chapter that you are pumping these out at an impressive rate. I wish I could be half as productive. Good luck, keep writing and I'll quite happily keep reviewing.
schedule
March 9, 2014 at 12:00 AM
Stumbled over your story tonight and was happily surprised. I like all of your women, Elizabeta and Jennifer being my favorites. The story is very well written, very well constructed. I like the slow pace. It never seems hurried and yet isn't dragging.
I'm interested in the shadows and noises but also just in the progression he has with each girl. I hope they all continue to play some small part. Talia has seemed so far just a flash in the pan. I really adored her response to the time stop. Discovering that wildness in a girl is always such a thrill. I'm glad Anthony seems to be appreciating it.
I like to add a piece of constructive criticism with every review. You're very descriptive. You use a lot of adjectives and dependent clauses. The simple declarative sentence can be powerful. You may want to consider using more of them.
Thank you for sharing this story. I look forward to reading more.
I'm interested in the shadows and noises but also just in the progression he has with each girl. I hope they all continue to play some small part. Talia has seemed so far just a flash in the pan. I really adored her response to the time stop. Discovering that wildness in a girl is always such a thrill. I'm glad Anthony seems to be appreciating it.
I like to add a piece of constructive criticism with every review. You're very descriptive. You use a lot of adjectives and dependent clauses. The simple declarative sentence can be powerful. You may want to consider using more of them.
Thank you for sharing this story. I look forward to reading more.