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November 13, 2013 at 12:00 AM
Chapter two: this was such an exciting chapter, Payton! :)
I can't believe those assholes were going to rape the daughter and her mom. Thank God Neil got there when he did.
Now if he'd just call Clark to hang out, and try to get Jerit to give up this robbery nonsence, everything will be good. =)
Ok, on to chapter three!
I can't believe those assholes were going to rape the daughter and her mom. Thank God Neil got there when he did.
Now if he'd just call Clark to hang out, and try to get Jerit to give up this robbery nonsence, everything will be good. =)
Ok, on to chapter three!
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November 9, 2013 at 12:00 AM
Great first chapter, Payton! :)
I did have a question though: who are the Heath's? It was mentioned that the Ronalds' are Neil's foster parents. But the Heaths were also mentioned. (As in the Heaths are making Neil boring) Who are they?
And when Jerit mentioned the party at Jack's house, when they got there Jack turned into Jake. lol Also, almot 3/4 of the way down it was written, '...though lately Neil had been loosing his temper less and less.' Loosing should be losing.
I only told you about this in case you wanted to fix it for NaNo. If not, no worries!
I really do love the story and I'm looking forward to the second chapter.
I can already see how conflicted Neil is about distancing himself from Jerit. On the one hand, Jerit is his best friend and they look out for each other, but on the other hand, Jerit is going to get him in trouble one day and if he's planning on college and bettering himself, this isn't the way to go. lol Boy, that was one huge run-on-sentence!
Anyway...can't wait for more! :)
I did have a question though: who are the Heath's? It was mentioned that the Ronalds' are Neil's foster parents. But the Heaths were also mentioned. (As in the Heaths are making Neil boring) Who are they?
And when Jerit mentioned the party at Jack's house, when they got there Jack turned into Jake. lol Also, almot 3/4 of the way down it was written, '...though lately Neil had been loosing his temper less and less.' Loosing should be losing.
I only told you about this in case you wanted to fix it for NaNo. If not, no worries!
I really do love the story and I'm looking forward to the second chapter.
I can already see how conflicted Neil is about distancing himself from Jerit. On the one hand, Jerit is his best friend and they look out for each other, but on the other hand, Jerit is going to get him in trouble one day and if he's planning on college and bettering himself, this isn't the way to go. lol Boy, that was one huge run-on-sentence!
Anyway...can't wait for more! :)
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November 9, 2013 at 12:00 AM
I already love jerit.but he is doing dangereous work which may be result in separation of the pair.
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November 9, 2013 at 12:00 AM
Yay, another update! This is such an awesome story, Payton! :)
I can imagine that stealing and making the money from it can really be addicting. So Jerit is doing most of this for Neil, and Neil came to this robbery just so no one would get hurt if there were people in the house.
I just get a bad feeling that they will get caught and then Neil will have 'a lot of 'splainin' to do.'
I can imagine that stealing and making the money from it can really be addicting. So Jerit is doing most of this for Neil, and Neil came to this robbery just so no one would get hurt if there were people in the house.
I just get a bad feeling that they will get caught and then Neil will have 'a lot of 'splainin' to do.'