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August 26, 2013 at 12:00 AM
I like how your new version has incorporated Mpreg and has Dave as a more willing participant per se (not that I have anything against rape fics).
I did see something I wanted to brig to your attention, this line:
"“Arran, I think you should apply the salve. You know what to look for and your fingers are smaller.” Arran said, holding out the jar to the medic"
Who is actually talking to Arran (the medic)? The way it is written now, you have Arran talking to himself and holding the jar out to himself. It's kinda confusing. Otherwise I like the story premise so far and would love to read more chapters.
I did see something I wanted to brig to your attention, this line:
"“Arran, I think you should apply the salve. You know what to look for and your fingers are smaller.” Arran said, holding out the jar to the medic"
Who is actually talking to Arran (the medic)? The way it is written now, you have Arran talking to himself and holding the jar out to himself. It's kinda confusing. Otherwise I like the story premise so far and would love to read more chapters.
schedule
August 26, 2013 at 12:00 AM
I do hope you update soon! It's very interesting, and I'd love to learn more about Arran and the others.
schedule
August 26, 2013 at 12:00 AM
I have not read the original version, will follow this one though, interesting start and I like mpreg stories. Hope you update....
schedule
August 26, 2013 at 12:00 AM
I think this can be a good story. I wanna read of it. Can't wait.
schedule
August 26, 2013 at 12:00 AM
Hmm very interesting start! I wonder how this will play out for Dave. Please update soon!!
schedule
August 23, 2013 at 12:00 AM
really interesting beginning. please update!!!
schedule
October 25, 2011 at 12:00 AM
great start i really like this...keep up the good work, hope to see more soon!!!