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June 17, 2012 at 12:00 AM
Hello again. I have now read Chapters 2 and 3, both which I enjoyed. You have a mature, developed writing style that makes this easy to read. You've clearly given thought to the descriptions of the world which are both visual and evocative without being overly technical, despite a lot of the chapter being given over to the workings of the stables. Chapter 2 was a great time to let us learn a bit more about Lauchlan without disrupting the pace of the first chapter.
There are a few typos which unfortunately change the meaning of several sentances e.g. "most probably tucked up in nice warm hoes" which I'm fairly sure isn't what you actually meant to say! But the rest of it is perfectly proof-read so that's probably bad luck more than anything else, and not much you can do about apart from being extra meticulous (says she who obviously never makes a typo ).
Making a point about one of your creative decisions, I know that line about sticking the hot water bottle in his groin is perhaps based on a misguided sense of helpfulness, but it just seems so out-there that I find it rather jarring. It doesn't do anything for sexual tension, I feel. It just seems to be there because sex is going to happen at some point and it feels almost mechanical.
I'm really looking forward to reading more of this, and it's great that you update the "promote a story" thread to let us know when you've updated.
There are a few typos which unfortunately change the meaning of several sentances e.g. "most probably tucked up in nice warm hoes" which I'm fairly sure isn't what you actually meant to say! But the rest of it is perfectly proof-read so that's probably bad luck more than anything else, and not much you can do about apart from being extra meticulous (says she who obviously never makes a typo ).
Making a point about one of your creative decisions, I know that line about sticking the hot water bottle in his groin is perhaps based on a misguided sense of helpfulness, but it just seems so out-there that I find it rather jarring. It doesn't do anything for sexual tension, I feel. It just seems to be there because sex is going to happen at some point and it feels almost mechanical.
I'm really looking forward to reading more of this, and it's great that you update the "promote a story" thread to let us know when you've updated.
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April 28, 2012 at 12:00 AM
(Only read chapter 1) I liked this. A nice idea for the beginning a story: sets the scene and tells us a little bit about the characters. Also, nice visual descriptions.
I don't think we need to know quite so much about Ida just yet, I felt like she was being forced into things. I would imagine that we're going to find out more about her later and I think she might be better placed in more detail later. Also, I felt that Lauchlan was a bit quick on the update of offering to have further sex with a man he's a) just met when b) he doesn't seem to be that sure of his sexuality. I think it might be better paced if more of the encounter kept coming back to him, and as he realises it's something he enjoyed, but isn't entirely comfortable with, that he contacts Corbin.
I'll come back to read what happens later, as I did enjoy this and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes.
I don't think we need to know quite so much about Ida just yet, I felt like she was being forced into things. I would imagine that we're going to find out more about her later and I think she might be better placed in more detail later. Also, I felt that Lauchlan was a bit quick on the update of offering to have further sex with a man he's a) just met when b) he doesn't seem to be that sure of his sexuality. I think it might be better paced if more of the encounter kept coming back to him, and as he realises it's something he enjoyed, but isn't entirely comfortable with, that he contacts Corbin.
I'll come back to read what happens later, as I did enjoy this and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes.
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March 17, 2012 at 12:00 AM
I remember this story! lol
I read the first chapter and thought to myself that it sounded so familiar. Then I went into the reviews and noticed I read it back in July.
Glad you're back!
To second that question your last reviewer had: when is this supposed to be? What year? You mentioned sodomy had been legalized for ten years and there are no cars? Just horse and carriages? Is this the 1800's? 1900's?
Anyway, I look forward to more! :)
I read the first chapter and thought to myself that it sounded so familiar. Then I went into the reviews and noticed I read it back in July.
Glad you're back!
To second that question your last reviewer had: when is this supposed to be? What year? You mentioned sodomy had been legalized for ten years and there are no cars? Just horse and carriages? Is this the 1800's? 1900's?
Anyway, I look forward to more! :)
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March 16, 2012 at 12:00 AM
i remember this. so it sounds like more is coming.
just wondering, what year is this?
just wondering, what year is this?
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November 8, 2011 at 12:00 AM
I figured I would return the favor since you were so kind to read my story :)
It's intresting, and I love Lauchlan's character! He seems to be the tall clumsy type who has a hidden dark side haha and I'm looking forward to seeing more of his character XD It was a little wordy (am I allowed to say that?) lol and I felt kinda bad for Corbin's character who seems to want to be wanted ^^; But surley it will all work out right? :D Thank you again for the feed back and I hope mine has brightened your day too! Till next time!
It's intresting, and I love Lauchlan's character! He seems to be the tall clumsy type who has a hidden dark side haha and I'm looking forward to seeing more of his character XD It was a little wordy (am I allowed to say that?) lol and I felt kinda bad for Corbin's character who seems to want to be wanted ^^; But surley it will all work out right? :D Thank you again for the feed back and I hope mine has brightened your day too! Till next time!
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November 7, 2011 at 12:00 AM
Hi, Had a quick look after seeing your post on the forum. Would it be too nitpicky to point out that the summary has a minor typo - ought to be "another man's bed"?
I think if I was Corbin then about half way through I'd have given him a slap for being a bit of a dozy berk.
I think if I was Corbin then about half way through I'd have given him a slap for being a bit of a dozy berk.
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July 23, 2011 at 12:00 AM
I'm so loving this!!! Please continue writing, I'm so curious what will happen next! Great piece of work!
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July 20, 2011 at 12:00 AM
Awesome story! I wonder why Lauchlan (ok, sorry I really screwed up the spelling!) got so drunk that he doesn't remember barely anything of the night before. And who is this short Corbin guy? lol Who seems to be in total control of Lauchlan....
Well, your beta did a phenomenal job; I haven's seen one typo, grammatical or punctuation error! :)
Can't wait to read more! :)
Well, your beta did a phenomenal job; I haven's seen one typo, grammatical or punctuation error! :)
Can't wait to read more! :)