schedule
February 1, 2011 at 12:00 AM
To reply (jhoyelba at hotmail)
I half like it.
I was willing to over look a few grammar stuff, and there are a few of them, until you had her show up at his place alone, at night. I think that you just needed to read the thing over before posting. Most of the story is written well, then in other parts..... Also, to close a formating tag you have to place the / in front. You have it i/ when it should be /i.
Firstly, I don't think you said how old he was. Is he in high school or college?
I feel that you should keep going in the reasonable world of things, if that is how your story started out, and it did. I can get him hanging out at his friend's house to see her. I can see them liking each other in their own ways. I can even get her giving up her underwear to someone who treated her better than her brother and getting candy for it.
But I draw the line at her just showing up at his house like that. When that happened I almost stopped reading. Oddly enough, the talk that they had in the bedroom wasn't bad. Just the setting was wrong.
Most of the bedroom bit was fine. There was that one bit when she was giving him a bj. You didn't do that well with showing the passing of time. It was almost as if she covered him with her mouth, did something, and then he was shotting making the whole thing last about 10 seconds.
Read it over, fix the mistakes and if you can come up with a better way for them end up in that situation that would greatly improve the story. He already have a reason to be at her house. Maybe have he show up there with just the two of them there, then after a few hours, his mom call and tell him to get something from the store for later, and it's when he's gone something happens. Then break and come back again and work out the actual intercourse bit.
I half like it.
I was willing to over look a few grammar stuff, and there are a few of them, until you had her show up at his place alone, at night. I think that you just needed to read the thing over before posting. Most of the story is written well, then in other parts..... Also, to close a formating tag you have to place the / in front. You have it i/ when it should be /i.
Firstly, I don't think you said how old he was. Is he in high school or college?
I feel that you should keep going in the reasonable world of things, if that is how your story started out, and it did. I can get him hanging out at his friend's house to see her. I can see them liking each other in their own ways. I can even get her giving up her underwear to someone who treated her better than her brother and getting candy for it.
But I draw the line at her just showing up at his house like that. When that happened I almost stopped reading. Oddly enough, the talk that they had in the bedroom wasn't bad. Just the setting was wrong.
Most of the bedroom bit was fine. There was that one bit when she was giving him a bj. You didn't do that well with showing the passing of time. It was almost as if she covered him with her mouth, did something, and then he was shotting making the whole thing last about 10 seconds.
Read it over, fix the mistakes and if you can come up with a better way for them end up in that situation that would greatly improve the story. He already have a reason to be at her house. Maybe have he show up there with just the two of them there, then after a few hours, his mom call and tell him to get something from the store for later, and it's when he's gone something happens. Then break and come back again and work out the actual intercourse bit.
schedule
January 29, 2011 at 12:00 AM
una historia muy linda, que espero que muy pronto hagas nuevos capitulos, ana maria