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December 28, 2010 at 12:00 AM
"Ren’s dick didn’t matter, and never would." That right there was the very best part of the story. That truth was piercing sharp and hilarious as hell.
There are some minor grammar issues to improve, and I would get rid of the definitions (I personally find them distracting), but it was all in all very well done. I would also recommend (if you're into concrit) to take the more... direct digs at the genre (those at the last paragraph, specially) and rewrite them for a little more subtlety. Directness can be used to good effect in humour, but often grace and elegance help elevate the writing into new heights of hilarity. You have a good wit, use it often, but also try to blend it in with more... sophistication, if you will, so that it sounds like a true mockery and not so much like a thinly-veiled rant.
All in all, though, an extremely enjoyable read. :D
There are some minor grammar issues to improve, and I would get rid of the definitions (I personally find them distracting), but it was all in all very well done. I would also recommend (if you're into concrit) to take the more... direct digs at the genre (those at the last paragraph, specially) and rewrite them for a little more subtlety. Directness can be used to good effect in humour, but often grace and elegance help elevate the writing into new heights of hilarity. You have a good wit, use it often, but also try to blend it in with more... sophistication, if you will, so that it sounds like a true mockery and not so much like a thinly-veiled rant.
All in all, though, an extremely enjoyable read. :D
schedule
December 28, 2010 at 12:00 AM
This part...
“Yes, Taichi-sama!” He chirped. “I’m your uke, so it is my job to never grow a spine, or a personality beyond useless, but somehow adorable idiot. I'm obviously gay, because of my short stature and effeminate appearance. I’ll get used, abused, and have my very rights as a human being trampled into the ground without saying a word! The only thing I’ll do is cry my beautiful uke tears for you,”
--had me laughing. Quite a bit. Good job!
“Yes, Taichi-sama!” He chirped. “I’m your uke, so it is my job to never grow a spine, or a personality beyond useless, but somehow adorable idiot. I'm obviously gay, because of my short stature and effeminate appearance. I’ll get used, abused, and have my very rights as a human being trampled into the ground without saying a word! The only thing I’ll do is cry my beautiful uke tears for you,”
--had me laughing. Quite a bit. Good job!