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November 28, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Bloody violence and cuteness in the same chapter. I was scared for Sebastian too but it seems that Fen's inner wolf has already accepted him. So awesome! Also I lost my brain when I read about little wolf pups! Suddenly my brain was filled with images of chibi Fen and chibi Sebastian. So cute. Thanks for the new chapter. I think you are going to make your goal for November 30. We are cheering for you.
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November 28, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Ooh, damn. That was a steamy set-up. I think surrendering to their pleasure works better for the charactors than the aggression. It's funny, I generally go for rough, ferocious fucks, but something's very compelling, very genuine, about the intimate love-play of Fen and Sebastian.
I want to encourage you to go for your 50 K. You love your challenge and your story. That shows. Since your goal is a good rough draft, I don't really know that crit is appropriate to your project now. What follows is not useful to you tonight, but may be if you ever undertake a re-write. In the interest of exposing one reader's inner workings to your eye, that you may even more effectively manipulate my imagination in the future:
Fen's bullying of Sebastian didn't work for me. I think it should have, could have worked, but just missed the mark. There is too much, sudden change between sweet, staunch Fen and his time-of-the-month brute self. Your explanation worked, but it came after the fact. Therefore I earnestly read that opening scene stripped of my suspension of disbelief. Failing to find my way in. However, in the context of the whole 2 chapters, it provides additional sweetness to the final love-play. So Fen's Jekyl moment works, but the pay-off is delayed. I don't know if its possible to have both scenes work separately, and in concert? Is that, as a reader, asking for cake and wanting to have it, too?
You did a good thing, I'm asking if it could be made better. And I honestly don't know.
Maybe you could revisit brutish Fen later, now that all your readers understand that he's part of good-as-gold Fen. I think I could get into it the second time. Very into it.
I want to encourage you to go for your 50 K. You love your challenge and your story. That shows. Since your goal is a good rough draft, I don't really know that crit is appropriate to your project now. What follows is not useful to you tonight, but may be if you ever undertake a re-write. In the interest of exposing one reader's inner workings to your eye, that you may even more effectively manipulate my imagination in the future:
Fen's bullying of Sebastian didn't work for me. I think it should have, could have worked, but just missed the mark. There is too much, sudden change between sweet, staunch Fen and his time-of-the-month brute self. Your explanation worked, but it came after the fact. Therefore I earnestly read that opening scene stripped of my suspension of disbelief. Failing to find my way in. However, in the context of the whole 2 chapters, it provides additional sweetness to the final love-play. So Fen's Jekyl moment works, but the pay-off is delayed. I don't know if its possible to have both scenes work separately, and in concert? Is that, as a reader, asking for cake and wanting to have it, too?
You did a good thing, I'm asking if it could be made better. And I honestly don't know.
Maybe you could revisit brutish Fen later, now that all your readers understand that he's part of good-as-gold Fen. I think I could get into it the second time. Very into it.
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November 28, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Just read your story, gotta say i love it.
Was kinda hopeing for Sebastian to get raped by Fen when he was a werewolf...bestiality ftw, well not really, kinda, psh-aw (my perverse kinkyness) but alas this is good also.
Keep up the good work, i'll be waiting in anticipation.
Was kinda hopeing for Sebastian to get raped by Fen when he was a werewolf...bestiality ftw, well not really, kinda, psh-aw (my perverse kinkyness) but alas this is good also.
Keep up the good work, i'll be waiting in anticipation.
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November 27, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Good couple of Chapters:
In 14, I thought first that Sebastian got a thrill from the danger of Fen changing. Then I realized that he felt alive because he felt needed, and he took the lead because he wanted to be the one to provide, to shelter Fen.
In 15, it doesn't really work out that way, or does it? It felt uncertain if Sebastian had actually accomplished something. He didn't exactly guide Fen right to what he needed. Obviously it felt unclear to Sebastian, too. Poor man.
The shower was very erotic. Sensual, a lot of touch, but more visual content in future sex scenes would be the ticket. I loved Sebastion's torrent of thoughts as he got himself off. He wants to, has to think about his past, as much as his present, and he's getting there. Did a younger vampire leave him? A human?
As for charactor, I think Sebastian is amazing in these two chapters. He acts like the elderly, he's closed off, judgemental, indulges his flaws, withdraws from others because they'll challenge his views, but he really wants to be useful. Of course! I just got it; he's ancient. Yet he could be young, if only his mental clutter weren't in the way. Hundreds of years of mental clutter. Lord.
Maybe he's the one in a thousand who could benefit from electroconvulsive therapy. Since that's out of the question given the pursuit, I hope some other shocks are in store, Sebastian needs to clear his head.
I wish we had seen his hunt. It's sensual and thrilling, and it would be interesting to see what victim he chose. Resembling Fen? Farthest thing from Fen he could find? Old enough to cool his ardor--but then also old enough to remind him of his own invisible age?
My Captcha is flogs and ABC. Flogs works. ABC? I like that song; you can dance to it. But you can't beat anyone to it. That does not work.
In 14, I thought first that Sebastian got a thrill from the danger of Fen changing. Then I realized that he felt alive because he felt needed, and he took the lead because he wanted to be the one to provide, to shelter Fen.
In 15, it doesn't really work out that way, or does it? It felt uncertain if Sebastian had actually accomplished something. He didn't exactly guide Fen right to what he needed. Obviously it felt unclear to Sebastian, too. Poor man.
The shower was very erotic. Sensual, a lot of touch, but more visual content in future sex scenes would be the ticket. I loved Sebastion's torrent of thoughts as he got himself off. He wants to, has to think about his past, as much as his present, and he's getting there. Did a younger vampire leave him? A human?
As for charactor, I think Sebastian is amazing in these two chapters. He acts like the elderly, he's closed off, judgemental, indulges his flaws, withdraws from others because they'll challenge his views, but he really wants to be useful. Of course! I just got it; he's ancient. Yet he could be young, if only his mental clutter weren't in the way. Hundreds of years of mental clutter. Lord.
Maybe he's the one in a thousand who could benefit from electroconvulsive therapy. Since that's out of the question given the pursuit, I hope some other shocks are in store, Sebastian needs to clear his head.
I wish we had seen his hunt. It's sensual and thrilling, and it would be interesting to see what victim he chose. Resembling Fen? Farthest thing from Fen he could find? Old enough to cool his ardor--but then also old enough to remind him of his own invisible age?
My Captcha is flogs and ABC. Flogs works. ABC? I like that song; you can dance to it. But you can't beat anyone to it. That does not work.
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November 27, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Oh.My.God. Why oh why do you have to end this chapter with a cliffhanger? Chapter was amazing. I just love Fen!
Please update soon :)
Please update soon :)
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November 27, 2009 at 12:00 AM
I just finished reading the last chapter and then you posted another one. The story is very nice. I expect a new chapter by the time I'm done with this review.
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November 27, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Thanks for the two new chapters. It sounds like there is going to be a bloodbath. Especially since Fen was already acting so aggressive after night#1. I wish Sebastian could get away and leave the slayers to Fen. (I am so evil) I guess their presence in Berlin is not a secret anymore. I wonder if the slayers are after Fen or after Sebastian. I don't want Fen to kill Sebastian. That would be too tragic. I can't wait to see what happens next.
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November 27, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Oh this is wonderful!
I'm so engaged!
Can't wait for another chapter!
XoXo
I'm so engaged!
Can't wait for another chapter!
XoXo
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November 27, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Two in one night!
Bless you muse, I'm delighted, not sated, but delighted!
XoXo
Bless you muse, I'm delighted, not sated, but delighted!
XoXo
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November 25, 2009 at 12:00 AM
I love the updates!
Made my night!
XoXo
Made my night!
XoXo