schedule
January 24, 2013 at 12:00 AM
I really like this story!
Cant wait for more!
Cant wait for more!
schedule
July 17, 2011 at 12:00 AM
do you know how much I love your stories? well, let me tell you, I love them a lot! your qriting is amazing!!! truly! yet, here you are, making me wait, like some lion who is starving... I don't see a new chapter in any of your stories :'(
pretty please? :X
pretty please? :X
schedule
February 16, 2011 at 12:00 AM
this is good. truly. can't wait to see what happens
schedule
December 17, 2010 at 12:00 AM
pretty awesome story. love the main character he is amusing. can't wait for more
~xD~
~xD~
schedule
November 29, 2010 at 12:00 AM
I like this story can't wait to see what happens next! XD
schedule
August 30, 2010 at 12:00 AM
I like your story, but I feel as though you are not communicating quite what you think you are. For example, Syla's reply to the most recent comment from "timeless" makes no sense, at least to me. Bloody porn and a dick? Is that trying to be insulting? Condescending? Does it have some kind of literal meaning?
And also "He sipped the drink in a go, blissful gulp after blissful gulp" has three different kinds of drinking in it: [sip] means to drink slowly or with small mouthfuls; [in a go] means to do in a single attempt, in this case a single sip, and usually implies that doing it takes some amount of effort; [gulp after gulp] means several large mouthfuls of liquid. So Syla here is drinking something slowly, in one drink, and in multiple large drinks. Kind of confusing. Additionally, "blissful gulp after blissful gulp" sounds weird - the expression is "gulp after blissful gulp". Better would be "He downed the drink at once, gulp after blissful gulp." In this, [down] means to drink all of, which doesn't conflict with [gulp], and while the "at once" means "without waiting", I think it still conveys the ferocity with which you seem to be trying to depict Syla's hunger.
Finally, be careful with a thesaurus! You say "famine for a taste", which makes no sense. I assume you started with "hungry for a taste" (which is good!), but "famine" refers to something very different. A person can be "famished", but we don't say "famished for a taste" either. In short, if you aren't sure what the thesaurus word means, don't use it! Better to say hungry over and over again than to say something that makes no sense.
I hope you take my comments as constructive, as the story I really like! Trust me: if I didn't think you were a good writer, I wouldn't think it worth the effort to help you improve! Just think closely about what your words mean, and don't try to use words you aren't confident of the meaning of.
Good luck!
And also "He sipped the drink in a go, blissful gulp after blissful gulp" has three different kinds of drinking in it: [sip] means to drink slowly or with small mouthfuls; [in a go] means to do in a single attempt, in this case a single sip, and usually implies that doing it takes some amount of effort; [gulp after gulp] means several large mouthfuls of liquid. So Syla here is drinking something slowly, in one drink, and in multiple large drinks. Kind of confusing. Additionally, "blissful gulp after blissful gulp" sounds weird - the expression is "gulp after blissful gulp". Better would be "He downed the drink at once, gulp after blissful gulp." In this, [down] means to drink all of, which doesn't conflict with [gulp], and while the "at once" means "without waiting", I think it still conveys the ferocity with which you seem to be trying to depict Syla's hunger.
Finally, be careful with a thesaurus! You say "famine for a taste", which makes no sense. I assume you started with "hungry for a taste" (which is good!), but "famine" refers to something very different. A person can be "famished", but we don't say "famished for a taste" either. In short, if you aren't sure what the thesaurus word means, don't use it! Better to say hungry over and over again than to say something that makes no sense.
I hope you take my comments as constructive, as the story I really like! Trust me: if I didn't think you were a good writer, I wouldn't think it worth the effort to help you improve! Just think closely about what your words mean, and don't try to use words you aren't confident of the meaning of.
Good luck!