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February 19, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Finally he's out of a very bad situation. And all it took was a change in appearance. When he looked like a worthless bum that's how he was treated.
Now if he could get some answers about the other world.
Now if he could get some answers about the other world.
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February 19, 2010 at 12:00 AM
yay! mrs. Cecelia got her due!
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February 17, 2010 at 12:00 AM
bastard! i hope mrs. cecilla die in an accident so that he can be free!
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February 17, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Hey, in chapter 8, you wrote, "...was a distinct smell of pneumonia." pneumonia should be ammonia. Pneumonia is a sickness, while ammonia is a kind of deadly gas. Love the story, though. Keep it up!
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February 17, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Plot of the story is very interesting and enjoying it so far!
Few thoughts... you keep making references to Wizard of Oz (Not in Kansas, etc) so assuming that this takes place in some AU modern day earth. I'm sure that explaining the other world and what it is will be part of the story. It is interesting that you have made near perfect symmetry between his RL world where he is loathed and not abused by everyone (except the hobo) and his 'dream' world where he seems to be adored and respected. So perfect that I wouldn't be suprised if he truly woke up from his dual personality dreams in an insane asylum and both of these transitions are part of his psyche.
If I had any recommendations, I would suggest focusing a bit on character development. We don't know anything about him except how he's handled the situations faced so far. Is he tall/short, thin/fat, ugly, handsome, etc? Hopefully you plan on making this a long story... Jack doesn't seem to be emotionally stable for a relationship or romance. The sympathy card can only go so far. His suitors will have a long road to understand Jack and earn his trust and hoping you play that out.
All in all, very good!
Few thoughts... you keep making references to Wizard of Oz (Not in Kansas, etc) so assuming that this takes place in some AU modern day earth. I'm sure that explaining the other world and what it is will be part of the story. It is interesting that you have made near perfect symmetry between his RL world where he is loathed and not abused by everyone (except the hobo) and his 'dream' world where he seems to be adored and respected. So perfect that I wouldn't be suprised if he truly woke up from his dual personality dreams in an insane asylum and both of these transitions are part of his psyche.
If I had any recommendations, I would suggest focusing a bit on character development. We don't know anything about him except how he's handled the situations faced so far. Is he tall/short, thin/fat, ugly, handsome, etc? Hopefully you plan on making this a long story... Jack doesn't seem to be emotionally stable for a relationship or romance. The sympathy card can only go so far. His suitors will have a long road to understand Jack and earn his trust and hoping you play that out.
All in all, very good!
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February 17, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Good story. It has all the qualities of a fairy-tale: sadness, villans and a hint of romance. I can't wait to see where you are going with this. Could you make the chapters a little longer though? It's okay if you can't =)
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February 17, 2010 at 12:00 AM
omg i can't wait for more
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February 17, 2010 at 12:00 AM
wow really great story
ave been reading it over da last 3 days and the updating speed in impressive
keep it up
and i think this last chapter's been ur longest so far...so well done
hope to read another chapter tomorrow
ave been reading it over da last 3 days and the updating speed in impressive
keep it up
and i think this last chapter's been ur longest so far...so well done
hope to read another chapter tomorrow
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February 17, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Thank you for making the chapters longer =)
Wow alot of questions were answered leaving even more to be answered. Keep up the good work and I'll keep reading =)
Oh before I forget. In the latest chapter you mentioned "change of clothing" but the next line you put "cloth." Clothe has an "e" other than that perfect =)
Wow alot of questions were answered leaving even more to be answered. Keep up the good work and I'll keep reading =)
Oh before I forget. In the latest chapter you mentioned "change of clothing" but the next line you put "cloth." Clothe has an "e" other than that perfect =)
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February 17, 2010 at 12:00 AM
YES!!! They are royalty!!!! Whoooo!!! MORE PLEASE, NEED TO KNOW MORE!!! Crazy that they don't even know where he is coming from or how he's getting there 0_o great job, keep it up!