rate_review Reviews

Interesting start. The younger brother is such a flirt. Back off dude!

I love chapter 2. Junko is really so cute and innocent. I see that Hoshi is going to have some issues too. I am not an editing expert but I noted one issue with the dialogue in the story. You have to separate the dialogue from the sentence that follows or it will seem as if the wrong person is speaking. This might confuse the reader. Here is an example:

"Hey you need some help?" Junko glanced over to the man with a confused expression. (sounds like Junko said this)

"Er. Do I know you?" Hoshi grins slightly. (sounds like Hoshi said this)

"No but you look like you need some help. My car is right back there." He points to his lambo.

Junko blinked at the beautiful car for a moment.

"A...are you they guy who picked up Youji this morning?" Hoshi grins.

"Ya i did hes... a friend of mine. Come on you looked like you were in a hurry."


I think this might work better:


"Hey you need some help?"

Junko glanced over to the man with a confused expression.

"Er. Do I know you?"

Hoshi grins slightly. "No but you look like you need some help. My car is right back there." He points to his lambo.

Junko blinked at the beautiful car for a moment. "A...are you they guy who picked up Youji this morning?"

Hoshi grins. "Ya I did hes... a friend of mine. Come on you looked like you were in a hurry."

Anyway, I think the story is great. I can’t wait for the next chapter.

Interesting story, but you have a lot of errors. I only got through Chapter 1. I don't know if you were planning on going back and editing, but I thought I'd point out some errors I noticed. "I" should ALWAYS be capitalized. Even in your A/N, I noticed you didn't capitalized the word "I". You need apostrophe's in many words, ex. mans should be man's. Some misspellings: gass is gas, makeing is making, paceing is pacing. Anyway, you should have someone look over the chapters before you post them.

I do enjoy the story so far, don't get discouraged. I'm not trying to be mean or anything. The story will read much better if it's cleaned up a bit, that's all.

I liked Chapter 2. Junko always seems embarrassed. I was reading kylee's comments and she made a good point with separating the sentences and the speaker. I also noticed you misspelled limo as lambo.

Anyway, it's a good story; just have someone look it over first and it will be a great story!

I really liked the first half of the chapter. I love Junko and the fact that he talks to his car. I thought there was too much intereaction between Youji and Hoshi - maybe that section could be shorter. Unless Youji is going to be Junko's rival for Hoshi's affections.