rate_review Reviews

Please listen to Jade Ai, she/he? is absolutely correct, as kylee was in her previous review. If you just take these remarks and correct the errors, the story will be great!

Love this story. Junko is so sweet, it's nice to see Youji helping him out a bit. Gotta love those boxer shorts ;)
I think Hoshi will be good for him, although I reckon Junko has a hidden firey side when it comes to his family. There was mention of a mother in the story outline- does she still live with them or is that more for later? Junko seems to care for them all on his own. Nice to have someone care for him for once.
Keep up the good work!

Dunno what the other peoples problem is but I just wanted to say that so far I adore your story! ^^
So pleas keep up the good work! you have at least one very happy fan. ^^

I like this story. The characters are serious but fun at the same time... I look forward to reading more.

Can't wait to see the reaction when everyone finds out who Hoshi really is. Hmm. Youji is only 12 years old? Was kind of surprised to read that. So, that would make Hoshi's brother 16 years old? I don't know, I thought Youji would be older. He's really young to be that desperate to lose his virginity. That's just my opinion, though, and I don't mean any offense. Take your time with the re-editing. Yeah, there's minor mistakes, but it isn't difficult to read. Waiting for the next update and waiting to find out more about Junko's mother.

I have not been reviewing, but I have been following this story. I had no idea that it was unbeta'd. All the same, I've been enjoying the story line immensely. I look forward to more chapters beta'd or not. It is far from being completely unreadable and the enjoyment outweighs the lack of polish.

I think its great. I feel so bad for him but it seems like things are about to change.. Cant wait for the next chapter

I like the ideas behind the story. You seem to have an excellent sense of plot, pacing, and timing - you're neither monotone nor redundant. I'm very much looking forward to the next chapter.

However, I do have to say, kylee's right. In writing dialogue, you should make it clear who the speaker is, which can be accomplished either by: writing the dialogue on the same line as the sentence describing the speaker (as kylee pointed out), or by keeping dialogue separate from any other descriptive line. Also, whenever there's a sentence after a line of dialogue, the first letter of that sentence must be capitalized.
Ex. Correct: "That way!" He ran out the door.
Incorrect: "That way!" he ran out the door.

Also, note that 'its' indicates possession, where as 'it's' indicates statement of fact and is an abbreviation of the phrase 'it is.'
Ex. It's impossible to live forever. --is short for--> It is impossible to live forever.
Rule of thumb - if you can't substitute the phrase 'it is' into the sentence and have it make sense, then you should be using 'its.'

I don't know who your beta is, but he or she was incorrect insofar as dialogue arrangement goes. And while I respect your views that you don't like being corrected the way kylee did, I have to admit I don't know how else to get criticism across - especially if the reason why the mistake happened is because the author did not know or understanding why the mistake was a mistake in the first place.

Also, a few spelling errors in Chapter 4. Note that I copy-pasted the sentences so you can see where the mistakes occurred.
"What could a man his age want with a twelve year-old?" -> 'twelve-year-old', not 'twelve year-old'
"Youji smirks and flishes some hair behind his ear." -> 'flashes', not 'flishes'
"Just as one concern left his head, more came clamboring in." -> I'm not sure which word you meant to use: 'clamor' or 'clamber.' But the word 'clambor' does not exist. 'Clamber' is to climb, 'clamor' is strongly expressed protests or demands, or a loud noise.
"What if he waas some kind of drug dealer?" -> 'was', not 'waas'
"Oh come on Jun you cant be that naive." -> 'can't', not 'cant.' Especially because 'cant' means 'dialect.'
"No he said he doesnt do teeny boppers." -> same deal - 'doesn't', not 'doesnt.' Also, 'hes' should be 'he's'; 'I'm', not 'im'; 'didn't', not 'didnt'; 'isn't', not 'isnt'; 'it's', not 'its'; 'won't, not 'wont'
"Besides my virginaty isnt something im going to be having very much longer..." -> spelled 'virginity', not 'virginaty'.
"Trash trash hidious gross..." -> 'Trash, trash, hideous, gross..", to allow for the separate statements and the mispelled word
"He walks out of the room then comes back in with a pair of black jeans and fist net top with a hot pink shirt." -> "fish"
"Youji's eye twitches as he looks at Junko with a almost 'are you kidding' look" -> 'an almost', not 'a almost'
"Take off the shorts and put the jeans on believe me its much better being camando."-> 'it's', not 'its', and 'commando', not 'camando'
"Besides i just bought these jeans only to find they were 2 sizes to big." -> 'too', not 'to'
"Youji was getting agrivated with his niave brother." -> 'aggravated', not 'agrivated'; 'naive', not 'niave'
"He sayx quietly, referring to having his brother strip and dress him" -? 'says', not 'sayx'
"What ever" -> 'Whatever', not 'What ever.' Used the way it is in your sentence, 'whatever' is one word, both times.

I like the fact that Junko is getting more comfortable w/Hoshi. He should have told Hoshi about his money problems; Hoshi would have probably offered to help him out.

The twins seem really cute!

Ok, I read your review response and your A/N. I'm glad you'll be editing the other two chapters. This chapter had some problems also. I noticed that you switch between present tense and past tense. This isn't from the story, I'm just making up an example: He took a sip of his coffee. And then the next sentence: He slips on his jacket. If he took a sip of his coffe, then he should have slipped on his jacket. To keep it consistent. Anyway, the i's and lack of apostrophe's are a little disconcerting.

If you would like me to look over the next chapter, I'd be more than willing to do so. I proofread a few stories on here. My email is LisaT25@msn.com I don't mean to get on your case, but if you put all the time and effort into writing a story, you want it to be the best story it can be. The grammatical and spelling errors take away from the good story it could be. Anyway, email me if you would like to me look the next chapter over. Again, this is only constructive criticism, not meant to hurt your feelings.

I'd like it, but I don't like japanese names, they're always and everywhere, whatever I'd like to read, every second story is filled with japanese names. sorry