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April 18, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Hi, I have just started reading original stories and yours was the first one I found. I absolutely love it. I love Junko and Hoshi's relationship. I absolutely love Youji and Jackson, they are brill. and the twins are super cute. Please please please please continue to update soon.
Thank you for writing this
:-)
Thank you for writing this
:-)
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April 4, 2010 at 12:00 AM
WAAAAA!!! What were the photos in the folder of?? Were they Hoshi in his younger years at that 'wrestling' or when he sung.....cuz that would be hot....can't believe how much Junko is becoming like Youji...you weren't kidding when you said they were very similar....can't wait for more....and the Mpreg and how you will incorporate that mmmmmm. Waiting axiously.....
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April 4, 2010 at 12:00 AM
I really had a lump in my throat when the kids were taken from Junko, but I'm glad that Hiroki is around to help. The latest chapter was really good; I like Junko's having dirty secrets and simply can't wait to see what kind of punishments Hiroki has in store.
I was a little disappointed about Junko's reaction when Hiroki stepped through the door without his mother. Hasn't he realized that she's not at home or has he just simply accepted that it's for the better that she's at a home?
Happy birthday and happy Easter.
I was a little disappointed about Junko's reaction when Hiroki stepped through the door without his mother. Hasn't he realized that she's not at home or has he just simply accepted that it's for the better that she's at a home?
Happy birthday and happy Easter.
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March 31, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Ouch... I can see it now... Junko is NOT going to be happy with Hoshi. I do think Hoshi made the right decision, though. It would be better for the mom, and it would be less stress for Junko in terms of having to take care of her AND all the kids.
Hoshi is awesome. I love him. Even if he IS about to be in big trouble... =)
Hoshi is awesome. I love him. Even if he IS about to be in big trouble... =)
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March 30, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Hi
I just wanted to say good job on the story. I like the way you made this story reach out to the readers, it had everything can't wait for the next chapter.
I just wanted to say good job on the story. I like the way you made this story reach out to the readers, it had everything can't wait for the next chapter.
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March 20, 2010 at 12:00 AM
As always, great chapter although I must admit I truly understand how Youji feels. It wouldn't be easy to see your lover do anyone else than you. I'm happy that Jacklon decided to end his career before he lost Youji over jalousie. It was nice with another point of view with Youji and Jacklon as the main attraction however; I must say Junko and Hoshi is my favorite couple. Please continue you're doing a great job with this story.
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March 4, 2010 at 12:00 AM
It's a nice start - you're setting the scene. From what we already know about Junko, it looks like a small moment of relaxation for him.
"cd's" Just to point out, CD should be capitalised as it is an acronym and there shouldn't be an apostrophe.
I'm slightly unclear as to why he waves at the cashier - does he know the kid, or is the cashier watching him and expecting him to shoplift? Perhaps I'm just an unsociable old bag, but the action seems a bit random from where I'm seeing.
""Pop rock i think." the kid replies as he shrugs. "Not my cup of tea. I like hip hop." Junko grinned to himself. " Are two people speaking here? If I understand right, this paragraph needs to be split in two.
Ah, okay I was a bit confused by the reference to Katrina. At first I thought this might be his mum, one of his sisters or perhaps his girlfriend, it wasn't made clear. It's sweet that he's named his truck, but I feel it just needs clarifying from the outset that he's not talking to a person.
"Leaning against a black lambergini was an adult that could either..." I think that should be, 'an adult *who*..." 'That' refers to an object, 'who' to a person. And the bit afterwards about him being either danger on legs or sex on legs doesn't quite sit with me, either. He could be exactly as you described, but you seemed to be using Junko's POV at first and then have panned back to an omiscient one. I don't get the impression J has seen the man, so you description of him seems to indicate a shift in POV.
"His eye follows that penical of innocent silently licking himself." I'm not sure what this sentence is meant to mean, but there's also a shift in tense here. It's become present, having up until now been past.
"The guy raised an eyebrow as he had the window roll down." There are one or two places in this story where your sequences of events feel a bit mixed up, and this is one of them. If he rolled down the window first and then raised an eyebrow at Youji, I think that's the order in which it should be written. Otherwise you've got your readers doing this mental thing where they have to switch back to the previous action and it kind of pulls us - well, me certainly - out of the story while they try and figure out what's going on.
""Yeah. He still thinks he's straight."" Hmm, okay. So Junko's brother can tell that Junko is gay but Junko himself hasn't settled to the idea and is still in denial/oblivious. I didn't get a sense of this up until now and I wonder whether you might be able to craft your story a little more so that the reader, if not Junko himself, begins to suspect. Otherwise, Youji's revelation lacks gravity.
"...if you will kindly remove your hand from my crouch..." Do you mean 'crotch'?
I think there's potential in this story, but I'm not sure I'm convinced by Hoshi's action of taking Youji into his home. If he really doesn't intend to have sex with Youji then why does he do so? I think you need to add some kind of motivation for that to happen. Either that or not have the older man offer such hospitality at all.
- Please pay back via How to be Happy.
- From the AFF.net Bar.
"cd's" Just to point out, CD should be capitalised as it is an acronym and there shouldn't be an apostrophe.
I'm slightly unclear as to why he waves at the cashier - does he know the kid, or is the cashier watching him and expecting him to shoplift? Perhaps I'm just an unsociable old bag, but the action seems a bit random from where I'm seeing.
""Pop rock i think." the kid replies as he shrugs. "Not my cup of tea. I like hip hop." Junko grinned to himself. " Are two people speaking here? If I understand right, this paragraph needs to be split in two.
Ah, okay I was a bit confused by the reference to Katrina. At first I thought this might be his mum, one of his sisters or perhaps his girlfriend, it wasn't made clear. It's sweet that he's named his truck, but I feel it just needs clarifying from the outset that he's not talking to a person.
"Leaning against a black lambergini was an adult that could either..." I think that should be, 'an adult *who*..." 'That' refers to an object, 'who' to a person. And the bit afterwards about him being either danger on legs or sex on legs doesn't quite sit with me, either. He could be exactly as you described, but you seemed to be using Junko's POV at first and then have panned back to an omiscient one. I don't get the impression J has seen the man, so you description of him seems to indicate a shift in POV.
"His eye follows that penical of innocent silently licking himself." I'm not sure what this sentence is meant to mean, but there's also a shift in tense here. It's become present, having up until now been past.
"The guy raised an eyebrow as he had the window roll down." There are one or two places in this story where your sequences of events feel a bit mixed up, and this is one of them. If he rolled down the window first and then raised an eyebrow at Youji, I think that's the order in which it should be written. Otherwise you've got your readers doing this mental thing where they have to switch back to the previous action and it kind of pulls us - well, me certainly - out of the story while they try and figure out what's going on.
""Yeah. He still thinks he's straight."" Hmm, okay. So Junko's brother can tell that Junko is gay but Junko himself hasn't settled to the idea and is still in denial/oblivious. I didn't get a sense of this up until now and I wonder whether you might be able to craft your story a little more so that the reader, if not Junko himself, begins to suspect. Otherwise, Youji's revelation lacks gravity.
"...if you will kindly remove your hand from my crouch..." Do you mean 'crotch'?
I think there's potential in this story, but I'm not sure I'm convinced by Hoshi's action of taking Youji into his home. If he really doesn't intend to have sex with Youji then why does he do so? I think you need to add some kind of motivation for that to happen. Either that or not have the older man offer such hospitality at all.
- Please pay back via How to be Happy.
- From the AFF.net Bar.
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March 3, 2010 at 12:00 AM
I really like this story; I'm truly looking forward to read the next chapter. Please continue the good work :)
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February 26, 2010 at 12:00 AM
I still like the story!
Poor Hoshi... His parents aren't exactly parent-of-the-year material, are they? Shame...
Junko is a sweetie. I love him. I love the hair. That's just... yeah. Awesome. And now he gets to tend to Hoshi and... I can't wait to see how that goes! =D
Now if only Junko could realize how much he obviously cares for Hoshi, it would be good. ^_^
You say there's 40 chapters to this? That's an exciting thought. I love this story.
Poor Hoshi... His parents aren't exactly parent-of-the-year material, are they? Shame...
Junko is a sweetie. I love him. I love the hair. That's just... yeah. Awesome. And now he gets to tend to Hoshi and... I can't wait to see how that goes! =D
Now if only Junko could realize how much he obviously cares for Hoshi, it would be good. ^_^
You say there's 40 chapters to this? That's an exciting thought. I love this story.
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February 15, 2010 at 12:00 AM
That chapter was very good. It was a little confusing, but I just pictured it as a manga. I can see how it would work. This is definitely a story that you need to work the visual imagination. I do like the flow. It might have been better to have drawn out the Youji/Jacklon romance. On the other hand, I really like how you intertwined the two smex scenes. One has to remember this isn't slash fiction. It is a manga-style story so it has a different feel to it. Thanks for the update.