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February 22, 2016 at 12:00 AM
love this story, would absolutely pick it if I found it on a bookstore shelf. I NEED to know why happens :)
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November 20, 2015 at 12:00 AM
Awesome story. Hope you continue.
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July 19, 2015 at 12:00 AM
Love this story. I hope you will finish it soon. I look forward to reading the rest through to completion.
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May 15, 2015 at 12:00 AM
It took me only 3 days to read the story up to this point.
And its great!
I love reading this and sinking into the world of the story.
I really hope to see more of it in near future.
Greetings from Illien!
And its great!
I love reading this and sinking into the world of the story.
I really hope to see more of it in near future.
Greetings from Illien!
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March 30, 2015 at 12:00 AM
Yay! You're back! I was excited when I saw a new chapter! =D now you just need to update your other story For Her...Anything! I love that story too! Glad you're back to writing!
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January 1, 2015 at 12:00 AM
When are you going to continue writing the rest of this story?? I want know what is going to happen on Halloween and afterwards!!!
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January 21, 2014 at 12:00 AM
I almost didn’t read this. The length and spacing was intimidating. There’s a lot of punctuation errors, too many to point out and spelling mistakes. I think a beta reader would be very beneficial for you. Anyhow, those were just the reasons on why I almost didn’t read it. Obviously I decided to read it, mainly, because I was overly intrigued by the concept of the summary and decided to just dive in, regardless of my apprehension.
The first few paragraphs were intriguing enough, content wise to pique my interest. When Shizuka’s mom made the comment about her dress being somewhat inadequate for the type of party she was going to I felt like I had a better grasp on Shizuka’s character. It was a really good addition, making her mom comment on the dress in that sort of way. Shizuka’s characterization is done fairly well within the first sections of this chapter. I’m still trying to figure out Marx, but the mysterious atmosphere you’ve build up around him has me anticipating what’s to come, which is a great way to keep readers invested.
I really enjoyed the introduction of Brick. Him scaring Shizuka so bad that she stomped his face was super funny and I had to read it again just to be sure I took it the right way. And then I blinked repeatedly…and then I laughed. I wasn’t expecting it, but it was great! I love how out of place she is in this place. It makes her more endearing towards the readers and the characters in the story, in my opinion. The scene with Kyo could do with a little more description scene wise, facial descriptions, and so forth.
["Uh...n-no" Shizuka stuttered.] Saying she stuttered here is redundant. If the reader doesn’t know by know that Shizuka has a stuttering issue they’d have to be not reading it. I’d say drop the ‘stuttered.’ Also, it seems fairly strange that he wants her to lay down with him when they aren’t even dating…strange, but I think you handled fine honestly. If someone where to really do that, I suppose that would be the reaction I’d expect. Another suggestion, instead of putting Shizuka’s thoughts in parenthesis, maybe just italicize them. I keep getting confused about stuff she’s thinking versus saying out loud.
When they’re holding her down, I’m thinking at this point no matter how good someone kisses she can’t be moaning! Maybe you could have one of the guys sooth her more instead of just saying she’s going to enjoy it. You know? Also I think as they’re basically molesting her she should have more emotion. She’s in a fearful situation she should be really scared. And it sound like when they say ‘let’s eat her’ they actually mean eat her as if they were cannibals. I’m not sure if her reactions to the situation are realistic, but from a sexy fantasy point of view it’s not bad. The sex scenes need more description. Normally I’m for less description, but when it comes to sex scenes I’m of the opinion you can’t have enough description.
It was a nice twist making them incubi too. There was an immaturity to all the characters that I’m not sure I enjoyed, but if it was your intention to make them that way then you did succeed. Overall, with some work and help from a beta read this has some potential.
The first few paragraphs were intriguing enough, content wise to pique my interest. When Shizuka’s mom made the comment about her dress being somewhat inadequate for the type of party she was going to I felt like I had a better grasp on Shizuka’s character. It was a really good addition, making her mom comment on the dress in that sort of way. Shizuka’s characterization is done fairly well within the first sections of this chapter. I’m still trying to figure out Marx, but the mysterious atmosphere you’ve build up around him has me anticipating what’s to come, which is a great way to keep readers invested.
I really enjoyed the introduction of Brick. Him scaring Shizuka so bad that she stomped his face was super funny and I had to read it again just to be sure I took it the right way. And then I blinked repeatedly…and then I laughed. I wasn’t expecting it, but it was great! I love how out of place she is in this place. It makes her more endearing towards the readers and the characters in the story, in my opinion. The scene with Kyo could do with a little more description scene wise, facial descriptions, and so forth.
["Uh...n-no" Shizuka stuttered.] Saying she stuttered here is redundant. If the reader doesn’t know by know that Shizuka has a stuttering issue they’d have to be not reading it. I’d say drop the ‘stuttered.’ Also, it seems fairly strange that he wants her to lay down with him when they aren’t even dating…strange, but I think you handled fine honestly. If someone where to really do that, I suppose that would be the reaction I’d expect. Another suggestion, instead of putting Shizuka’s thoughts in parenthesis, maybe just italicize them. I keep getting confused about stuff she’s thinking versus saying out loud.
When they’re holding her down, I’m thinking at this point no matter how good someone kisses she can’t be moaning! Maybe you could have one of the guys sooth her more instead of just saying she’s going to enjoy it. You know? Also I think as they’re basically molesting her she should have more emotion. She’s in a fearful situation she should be really scared. And it sound like when they say ‘let’s eat her’ they actually mean eat her as if they were cannibals. I’m not sure if her reactions to the situation are realistic, but from a sexy fantasy point of view it’s not bad. The sex scenes need more description. Normally I’m for less description, but when it comes to sex scenes I’m of the opinion you can’t have enough description.
It was a nice twist making them incubi too. There was an immaturity to all the characters that I’m not sure I enjoyed, but if it was your intention to make them that way then you did succeed. Overall, with some work and help from a beta read this has some potential.
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August 25, 2013 at 12:00 AM
OMG I LOVE THIS STORY!!!!! PLEASE UPDATE!!!!
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August 3, 2013 at 12:00 AM
Great story
keep up the good work
keep up the good work
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May 24, 2013 at 12:00 AM
Now I will be the first to admit I normally frequent this site for simple bedtime porn. Your story however captured my attention and pulled me in. I can't wait for the next chapter.