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November 15, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Wow, poor Sebastian; why would parents ever give up looking for their missing child? So sad....hopefully James can connect w/Marcus somehow. And before his initiation.
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November 8, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Nice chapter; I'm glad Marcus finally started to believe the doctor. Hopefully they can find James before it's too late. Well, I know what's gonna happen to James, but maybe they can save him before it happens continuously. And maybe they can get the other kids out of there as well.
One little error: before the middle of the chapter, you kept referring to the doctor as Marcus.
Anyway, I look forward to the next chapter!
One little error: before the middle of the chapter, you kept referring to the doctor as Marcus.
Anyway, I look forward to the next chapter!
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November 7, 2009 at 12:00 AM
I am glad you decided to start adding some contractions. I have to admit, it was a bit hard to read at first. I'm doing NaNo as well, so I understand about the editing, but as a grammar freak it's driving me crazy both reading and writing! ;) I can't wait to see what Don has in store for James!
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November 7, 2009 at 12:00 AM
I reluctantly read this. I promised myself no more rape stories because they upset me too much. This is good so far, though James is just too naive for someone who hung around hormonal teen boys. I really like the relationships between the boys and if his brother being so close to him can't sense something is wrong with his extreme emotions.....I suggest that you try something different. Instead of having the innocent corrupted why not have him saved? Every story on here seems to have rape as the H/C element. Why not have not have it be pain like beatings or something without the rape? And have his brother raise enough alarm that the seer(again why didn't he foresee the danger....) helps the police find him before Don can do anything seriously damaging. Okay I will admit to looking for an alternative to rape.
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November 7, 2009 at 12:00 AM
It's an interesting story and you have several intriguing hooks but have to admit I'm queasy about reading further. I like that the brothers are looking out for each other and the whole seer thing has possibilities. The characters have depth and this could end up being a serious angst-fest.
What I'm weary about and might be keeping other readers away is you have now established that a 15 year old James is going to be sexually abused. I'm not opposed to reading N/C stories but IMO, writers have to tread a very thin line when children are involved. The times I've seen it done effectively is when the author doesn't elaborate on the abuse and focus on the aftermath. I suppose when I started reading, I hoped it would have been Marcus who was kidnapped while his baby bro was in the hospital. Some thoughts... you could use the whole seer thing to allow James to escape or his growing abilities might cause problems while he's being held. You could start the next chapter where months/years have passed and James is now finally free of his captors... he would be dealing with some serious emotional problems, probably put in foster care, or find that his brother passed away. Marcus might sense something is wrong (he would know something is wrong when James disappears) and while in pain leave the hospital trying to find James; maybe pairing up with the seer/doctor. Perhaps the emotional trauma James goes through awakens other gifts that normally isn't seen in seers because they never been subjected with such abuse. Perhaps it could be this gift that allows him to heal his brother? Also take into account that realistically, authorities would place James in foster care since Marcus is unable to look after him (something you should keep in mind when the police get involved). There is sooo much you could do here!
I would suggest giving some serious thought on chapter 5 because IMO, that is going to set the tone for everything else and could really make/break your story. The whole contractions thing didn't bother my reading but thought it was a bit cheesy that half a chapter was spent explaining why it was being done and how seers (and those close to them) have very proper pronunciation. It made it seem that you were doing it to beef up your word count... a better explaination is that seers will write down their prophecies and every nunance/every word has literal meaning. I think you are a good writer and wish you the best of luck in NaNoWriMo 2009!
What I'm weary about and might be keeping other readers away is you have now established that a 15 year old James is going to be sexually abused. I'm not opposed to reading N/C stories but IMO, writers have to tread a very thin line when children are involved. The times I've seen it done effectively is when the author doesn't elaborate on the abuse and focus on the aftermath. I suppose when I started reading, I hoped it would have been Marcus who was kidnapped while his baby bro was in the hospital. Some thoughts... you could use the whole seer thing to allow James to escape or his growing abilities might cause problems while he's being held. You could start the next chapter where months/years have passed and James is now finally free of his captors... he would be dealing with some serious emotional problems, probably put in foster care, or find that his brother passed away. Marcus might sense something is wrong (he would know something is wrong when James disappears) and while in pain leave the hospital trying to find James; maybe pairing up with the seer/doctor. Perhaps the emotional trauma James goes through awakens other gifts that normally isn't seen in seers because they never been subjected with such abuse. Perhaps it could be this gift that allows him to heal his brother? Also take into account that realistically, authorities would place James in foster care since Marcus is unable to look after him (something you should keep in mind when the police get involved). There is sooo much you could do here!
I would suggest giving some serious thought on chapter 5 because IMO, that is going to set the tone for everything else and could really make/break your story. The whole contractions thing didn't bother my reading but thought it was a bit cheesy that half a chapter was spent explaining why it was being done and how seers (and those close to them) have very proper pronunciation. It made it seem that you were doing it to beef up your word count... a better explaination is that seers will write down their prophecies and every nunance/every word has literal meaning. I think you are a good writer and wish you the best of luck in NaNoWriMo 2009!
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November 7, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Wow, this guy Don is really a scumbag. Poor James; he's so naive, how's he gonna get out of this one? And what's gonna happen when Marcus starts to wonder where he is? Could the doctor find James like telepathically?
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November 5, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Please email me when you update: narcoleptic86@gmail.com
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November 5, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Yeah, paranormal can be very interesting to read. This guy Don tho, is already a doucebag. I hate him already!
Yes, the sadness starts; I was crying throughout the chapter....it would be great if James' seer abilities let him heal Marcus!
On another note: thank you for answering my questions. It still reads weird w/o the contractions; even Don doesn't use them. I know you need a certain number of words, but you should really stick some in here and there. They just make the story sound better. Also, I didn't notice this w/the other chapters, but in this chapter, there were a lot of typos and grammatical errors. If you want, I can go over them for you, if you're submitting this story for a contest or something. You can email me at LisaT25@msn.com and I'll be glad to fix the errors.
Yes, the sadness starts; I was crying throughout the chapter....it would be great if James' seer abilities let him heal Marcus!
On another note: thank you for answering my questions. It still reads weird w/o the contractions; even Don doesn't use them. I know you need a certain number of words, but you should really stick some in here and there. They just make the story sound better. Also, I didn't notice this w/the other chapters, but in this chapter, there were a lot of typos and grammatical errors. If you want, I can go over them for you, if you're submitting this story for a contest or something. You can email me at LisaT25@msn.com and I'll be glad to fix the errors.
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November 4, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Good story! I already feel this is gonna be a tearjerker! One thing tho: the way Jamie and Marcus speak to one another; it doesn't sound like brothers or even kids. My eleven yr. old would never even know about foster care and he would never use the word necessitites. Also, they don't speak w/contractions; everything is can not, do not, etc. Having three boys, I have rarely heard them NOT speak w/contractions. It's like Jamie and Marus are talking to each other very formally. Anyway, I just wanted to bring that up. Otherwise, great story and YES, Marcus should DEFINITELY press charges against his parents. What horrible, horrible people to treat poor Jamie like that!!!! They shouldn't have kept him if they didn't want him; they should have put him up for adoption, so people who really wanted kids, could have him and treat him w/the love he needs.
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November 1, 2009 at 12:00 AM
i like this story :)
the plot line seems interesting
more!
the plot line seems interesting
more!