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October 15, 2018 at 12:00 AM
I really like this story a lot. In future chapters you should explain who's dating who and explain the reasons behind it. Also might want to go back and spellcheck previous chapters. That's all the constructive critisim I have for now.
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October 29, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Very nice story. I am very eager to see how Ash will react when this information from the group settles in. I also wonder if he feels any attraction for Michael. Michael certainly seems to like Ash.
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October 29, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Oh man, not the best way to recruit new members! ^^'
Great work here, very creative! Can't wait for the drama to unfold!
Great work here, very creative! Can't wait for the drama to unfold!
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October 28, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Great chapter! I loved the detail to the other worlds and I loved learning about the mages and demons, etc. I'm not used to reading stuff like that, so it was really interesting!
I'm looking forward to the next chapter - I'm here whenever you're ready!
I'm looking forward to the next chapter - I'm here whenever you're ready!
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October 25, 2009 at 12:00 AM
I REALLY like this story. Very good descriptions of the characters. Looking forward to finding out more about the Lunar group and their interest in Ash... Keep it up!!
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October 25, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Awesome story!!! I couldn't stop reading it and am really excited about this now! Keep up the great work!!!
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October 24, 2009 at 12:00 AM
I agree with Antaris' suggestion. You should try to somehow emphasise POV-switching so that reading may progress more fluidly. Apart from that, I have nothing more to say as your story is already as nice as it is.
I really like the protagonist you've created, he appears to be a very intruiging person that I would very much like to meet IRL. I'm looking forward to more of your writings. =)
I really like the protagonist you've created, he appears to be a very intruiging person that I would very much like to meet IRL. I'm looking forward to more of your writings. =)
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October 24, 2009 at 12:00 AM
This is a really interesting story so far. I'm kind of confused about those kids in the Lunar Group; are they like "spirits" or something? And why is Ash their "mate"?
Also, it seemed Ash totally did a 180 with his attitude. Why didn't he want to befriend Michael, but he easily befriended a girl who LICKED HIS NOSE?????? And he happily answered Jazz's questions. It just seemed out of character.
Ok, now for the critique of the writing itself: you have a few misspelled words, a few run on sentences and awkward sentence structure. I understand that English isn't your first language. If you want, I can proofread the chapters before you post them. I'll only fix the misspelled words, run on sentences and such. I won't change the idea of the storyline. I proofread a few stories on here. Anyway, if you're interested, email me at LisaT25@msn.com
Other than that, I think it's a really good story!
Also, it seemed Ash totally did a 180 with his attitude. Why didn't he want to befriend Michael, but he easily befriended a girl who LICKED HIS NOSE?????? And he happily answered Jazz's questions. It just seemed out of character.
Ok, now for the critique of the writing itself: you have a few misspelled words, a few run on sentences and awkward sentence structure. I understand that English isn't your first language. If you want, I can proofread the chapters before you post them. I'll only fix the misspelled words, run on sentences and such. I won't change the idea of the storyline. I proofread a few stories on here. Anyway, if you're interested, email me at LisaT25@msn.com
Other than that, I think it's a really good story!
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October 23, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Interesting beginning with a touch of humor. I like it. I hope you write more of it.
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October 23, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Very interesting story! It seems whatever weirdness is happening on Lunar Ave, the Great Aunt was aware of it and had planned on bringing Ash into it. I'm curious what kind of supernatural slant (vampires, werewolves, etc.) this story will have. Looking forward to more!
One suggestion... Add more spacing and make it much clearer when you're changing POV's. Chapters 2 and 3 had everything sorta running together. Some authors will start a new paragraph after about 3-4 sentences for ease of reading.
One suggestion... Add more spacing and make it much clearer when you're changing POV's. Chapters 2 and 3 had everything sorta running together. Some authors will start a new paragraph after about 3-4 sentences for ease of reading.