rate_review Reviews

I love how you don't have your bottom's all weak and omg save me princess style XD but strong willed and almost dominate gosh i love your work

the story needs some editing. especially particular attention is needed when there are verbs in 3rd sing. (they don't have the 's') and for some tenses (where the construction of the sentence requires past tense). also there's some confusion between "there" "their" or "they're", if i remember correctly. i'm surely not the right person to point out the mistakes, but i'd advise you to revise at lest the first chapters or find someone to help you with it since, once edited, your story would surely make better impact. ;)
thanks for sharing.

Story is interesting. Just started on chapter 4. Reading your story has given me a migraine.

Bad grammar,miss used spacing,punctuations are needed.

Dialogue needs to be seperated from back rounds,some paragraphs need to be retweeked,

Don't be upset when I ask but, Can you speak english as well as type it?

All of this is killing your own story.

Find a beta to help rework your story.

Can't implore you enough to seek a beta.

The story itself is interesting but I couldn't progress pass chapter 4. The grammar was all over the place as well as the POV. I can see how this type works in movie but it's quite annoying when you have to jump from one person's mind to the other even that of the minor characters. As the result, I couldn't connect with any of them. The way you wrote it, the characters are quite plat, I'd like to see more of their emotion, not just they're scare, cold, angry...but for exp how it shows in their face, in their voice or movement... It's a pity because I quite like the story.

Good luck with your next one though, you'd hire a beta-reader to help with the grammar at least.

yaoilovers what a heartbreaking chapter. It was filled with so much hope, only to take it all away again. I honestly don't understand why this has to happen to Dan. It is an additional punishment for the most vulnerable character in the story. Dan is only person really who did not deserve to be punished. Of all the characters who deserved a little happiness in this story, Dan deserved it the most. He never got to be with Alistair when he was young. He had his baby stolen from him. He took care of Ramsey's child for so many years and the only contact he had with his beloved Alistair was in the form of rape. Plus there was that abortion that he had to have. There is hardly any punishment for Alistair. Even Saria does not take any revenge against him. Ramsey who has used Dan so cruelly does not get punished at all. It really makes me bitter to think how he deceived and drugged and raped Dan after all those years of Dan helping him. I feel that if someone had to die, then it should be Ramseyor even Alistair. Alistair has done some bad things but he is not really worse than Ramsey or the Demon King. It just hurts to think of Ramsey doing all these things to Dan and getting away with no punishment at all. The part that hurts the most though is that Dan does not get to be with his childrem. He is only truly happy in the story for about twelve hours before he finds out that he is dying. He just found his family and now he will not get to raise the child he is going to have. He is just abused for his whole life. I would have been sad if Alistair had died trying to save Marcus' baby or to rescue Dan from Ramsey, but I feel that Dan does not deserve to die. It just doesn't make any sense. I feel that if Dan dies, then Ramsey should definitely face a horrible punishment for his death. He should not get away with killing Dan.

I am so excited that Dan is about to meet his son. I am wondering things will work out for Ramsey and Avery. I will just have to wait and see

Two babies! Hurray. All roads lead to Ramsey's house. I am sure that the demon king is probably searching high and low for Maya and the baby. I am glad that Dan has finally caught on to Ramsey and that he knows the baby is for Alistair. I can't wait for the day that Dan and Alistair find out that Marcus is their son. Looking forward to the next chapter.

I am so mad at Ramsey. I hope Alistair gets to dice him into pieces. I know that Alistair is the one who screwed up with Dan,, but I can't believe that Ramsey is willing to use and betray Dan to such a degree. It hurts that Ramsey is using Dan like that after Dan left Alistair to marry him and took care of Maya for all these years. Dan his given up his personal happiness so many times to help Ramsey. He has been a true friend and Ramsey has betrayed him. It is tragic. Even Maya is capable of defending himself, but no one will take care of Dan. Alistair was stupid to risk Dan's love after finally getting him back. I hope he will learn his lesson and win Dan back from Ramsey. I hope that they will find happiness someday. Plus they both are unaware that they have a child together already.

Love the new chapter. I am excited for Anthony and Julian to be together with Gareth and Vince. What a hilarious household. I also wonder who is trying so hard to kill Marcus. The story is going so well. I can't wait to read more.

:) Me wants to know what happend with Jude & Cole.I rly hope that Cole will learn to love Jude,and jude will 4give him :) Anyway love ur story,and i can't wait for the next update