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January 31, 2009 at 12:00 AM
You seem to do a lot of "telling" instead of "showing" by having characters give lots of background in dialogue or tell each other each specific thing they plan to do. You might want to try to incorporate that into the story more by just describing what is going on and the thoughts of the characters. Otherwise, it's pretty good.
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January 31, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Stupid question.
I'd also assumed the timeline of the story was in a more "modern" decade, considering that Edric first spotted her late at night alone on a walk. In the late 1890, early 1900s, I didn't think it was socially acceptable for a young woman to be out alone, especially after dark. And considering the streets after dark were about ten times more dangerous.
It's the only major plot-hole I've noticed and it bothered me for some reason.
I'd also assumed the timeline of the story was in a more "modern" decade, considering that Edric first spotted her late at night alone on a walk. In the late 1890, early 1900s, I didn't think it was socially acceptable for a young woman to be out alone, especially after dark. And considering the streets after dark were about ten times more dangerous.
It's the only major plot-hole I've noticed and it bothered me for some reason.
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January 30, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Bastard Stefan, he totally pulled a vampire Jedi-Mind Trick on Edric. LOL
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January 30, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 13: Haha - I totally agree with Cutiepie on the Jedi-mind trick. Poor Ariana, I'm kind of disappointed in Edric for thinking the worst of her so easily. I would be feeling so upset if I was Ariana.
Very fast update. Very happy. :)
Very fast update. Very happy. :)
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January 29, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Just to clear up some confusion in my own head, I'm assuming this story takes place in somewhere in England/UK (based on Edric and Ariana contemplating where to go on their honeymoon)? It was never specified (I don't think), but I was just curious.
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January 29, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 12 : :) you're welcome.
Although marriage almost seems superfluous when compared to the committmens they ahave already made to one another it is still sweet to see.
Although marriage almost seems superfluous when compared to the committmens they ahave already made to one another it is still sweet to see.
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January 28, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 11 : Edric's story was so sad. At least now he has Ariana.
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January 27, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Awww...poor Edric. I'm glad he didn't jump. :)
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January 24, 2009 at 12:00 AM
I love Tobias. He reminds me of someone's wise old grandfather.
I don't know exactly where this story is going, but are we going to see anything of Tobias' background? Like, who turned him and did he ever have a vampire spouse like the Beddoes'?
I don't know exactly where this story is going, but are we going to see anything of Tobias' background? Like, who turned him and did he ever have a vampire spouse like the Beddoes'?
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January 23, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Chapter Nine : I'm glad she's learning more about Edric - everyone's particulars in vampire stories are so different, I want to know yours lol.
I was wondering if Tobias was going to put the rope back on the door know that she knows - poor Tobias how naive of him.
Nice chapter :)
I was wondering if Tobias was going to put the rope back on the door know that she knows - poor Tobias how naive of him.
Nice chapter :)