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September 16, 2012 at 12:00 AM
I love the story so far, I see there has not been an update in over ten years, :( it is to bad I only just found this story and it has already been dead for a very long time, C'est La Vie.
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January 13, 2009 at 12:00 AM
I'd like to say your concept is great and your plot is pretty good first off. I'll be looking out for another chapter.
However, your use of punctuation is a little odd. You might consider reviewing that as punctuation gives your readers a pace by which to hear the story in their mind. If it's not your strong point, you might consider getting a beta (on the forums). Don't get me wrong, I still like the story and it's not bad enough to make it hard to understand, but it breaks up the flow a bit. Keep on writing, this story is interesting to me so and I'm sure you're only going to get better.
Also, I'm glad you enjoyed my first fic. You might also like the second one, since it's a continuation of the first.
However, your use of punctuation is a little odd. You might consider reviewing that as punctuation gives your readers a pace by which to hear the story in their mind. If it's not your strong point, you might consider getting a beta (on the forums). Don't get me wrong, I still like the story and it's not bad enough to make it hard to understand, but it breaks up the flow a bit. Keep on writing, this story is interesting to me so and I'm sure you're only going to get better.
Also, I'm glad you enjoyed my first fic. You might also like the second one, since it's a continuation of the first.