schedule
January 3, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Oh wow. I am so happy Tobi didn't have to go out to a restaurant with blueballs. Long live the tasty shower whacking scenes! Vive le.... erm... Gateau? (My francais teachers would be horrified.) Anyhoooo I took notes so I wouldn't forget anything I wanted to mention, but before I get to that, I just want to say that: Wowee! 7k words is one heck of a lot for a chapter, lol! Good job. My chapters rarely pass the 3k mark anymore. I don't know why I've been opting for shorter chapters lately. Easier for me to write with my short attention span, I guess.
Where was I? Oh yes, the formatting was beautiful in this chapter, I didn't even notice it while I was reading, and that's a great sign. The paragraphs weren't too long or too short, they were just right. You had great detailing on the action tags. I'm a sucker for well-posed action tags, so kudos to you. I love the way you use words, in fact, I'm rather envious of the vast vocabulary you utilize. Though, I have to admit, I did giggle every time you used the word "humped"... Yes, yes, I'm a pervo.
OH Gawd, I was totally dying during one part. You see, I spent all morning reading a gorey yaoi manga with erotic cannibalism. (Believe it or not, it's not even close to the most screwed up manga I've ever read.) And then I come read your story and come across this line: "The younger boy let out a soft moan which was swallowed up by the mouth eating his," and the mental image was hilarious! Oh the twisted things my mind does to a romantic scene... oh well.
That Love scene kicked some serious arse. That was Hot, my friend, with a capital H.E.L.L.A. Man, man, man, Angel is so smitten, and Tobi is such an infatuated lech, it's an absolute pleasure to read the chemistry between the two. I logged on today hoping to find this fic had been updated, so you made me happy. Thank you!
~Chloe~
Where was I? Oh yes, the formatting was beautiful in this chapter, I didn't even notice it while I was reading, and that's a great sign. The paragraphs weren't too long or too short, they were just right. You had great detailing on the action tags. I'm a sucker for well-posed action tags, so kudos to you. I love the way you use words, in fact, I'm rather envious of the vast vocabulary you utilize. Though, I have to admit, I did giggle every time you used the word "humped"... Yes, yes, I'm a pervo.
OH Gawd, I was totally dying during one part. You see, I spent all morning reading a gorey yaoi manga with erotic cannibalism. (Believe it or not, it's not even close to the most screwed up manga I've ever read.) And then I come read your story and come across this line: "The younger boy let out a soft moan which was swallowed up by the mouth eating his," and the mental image was hilarious! Oh the twisted things my mind does to a romantic scene... oh well.
That Love scene kicked some serious arse. That was Hot, my friend, with a capital H.E.L.L.A. Man, man, man, Angel is so smitten, and Tobi is such an infatuated lech, it's an absolute pleasure to read the chemistry between the two. I logged on today hoping to find this fic had been updated, so you made me happy. Thank you!
~Chloe~
schedule
December 26, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Loved this so far. It maybe cold outside that condo, but those two have done
nothing but heat it up. Their inner dialogue/thoughts about the other boy was
great. If they didn't know how the other felt before, they certainly do now.
Hopefully Angel doesn't take it the wrong way and think that he is just another
one of Tobi's 'one night stands'
Hope you do update soon, looking forward to reading more.
nothing but heat it up. Their inner dialogue/thoughts about the other boy was
great. If they didn't know how the other felt before, they certainly do now.
Hopefully Angel doesn't take it the wrong way and think that he is just another
one of Tobi's 'one night stands'
Hope you do update soon, looking forward to reading more.
schedule
December 25, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Wow. :D
Okay, so, first of all, let me just say I'm impressed. My first yaoi stories were atrocious pieces of crap, and I had been writing het for years before that too. This story of yours, however was very good! I'll start with plot then move on to technical, if you don't mind.
This story is incredibly sweet. Tobi is such a charmer and a sly fox, whereas Angel is an adorable, meek mouse... meak? whatever... I love how you jumped from perspective to perspective whilst keeping with the 3rd person POV. I like perspective changes, but POV changes are a bit of a pet peeve of mine ^_^ Chloe, although she has my name, I hope to gawd I'm not anythin like that. She was a pesky one, wasn't she? The way Tobi handled her was great! I was grinning the whole way through that scene. Another scene I was grinning through = the last one. I don't want to give out the ending of the chapter for anyone who may read this, but it got me all hot and bothered, I swear XD. Bravo!
Technical: Your spelling isn't a problem. A few typos is to be expected with every author, regardless of how experienced. Your punctuation is nearly perfect, and anything askew could be easily fixed by a beta. I saw not a single problem grammar-wise. I applaud you for that; too bad I can't say the same about my own work, LOL. The only thing really worth mentioning is paragraphs. (you can skip this part if you don't want any advice, ^^;) Some of the paragraphs could easily be split into two or more. With dialogue, whenever someone else speaks, it should get its own paragraph. Don't be afraid of having a lot of short paragraphs - in moderation of course. They can make things simpler, and easier to read.
Anyway, I loved this story! I can't wait to read chapter two... Have I rambled long enough? I tend to do that in reviews, sorry :D
Ciao!
~Chlover~
Okay, so, first of all, let me just say I'm impressed. My first yaoi stories were atrocious pieces of crap, and I had been writing het for years before that too. This story of yours, however was very good! I'll start with plot then move on to technical, if you don't mind.
This story is incredibly sweet. Tobi is such a charmer and a sly fox, whereas Angel is an adorable, meek mouse... meak? whatever... I love how you jumped from perspective to perspective whilst keeping with the 3rd person POV. I like perspective changes, but POV changes are a bit of a pet peeve of mine ^_^ Chloe, although she has my name, I hope to gawd I'm not anythin like that. She was a pesky one, wasn't she? The way Tobi handled her was great! I was grinning the whole way through that scene. Another scene I was grinning through = the last one. I don't want to give out the ending of the chapter for anyone who may read this, but it got me all hot and bothered, I swear XD. Bravo!
Technical: Your spelling isn't a problem. A few typos is to be expected with every author, regardless of how experienced. Your punctuation is nearly perfect, and anything askew could be easily fixed by a beta. I saw not a single problem grammar-wise. I applaud you for that; too bad I can't say the same about my own work, LOL. The only thing really worth mentioning is paragraphs. (you can skip this part if you don't want any advice, ^^;) Some of the paragraphs could easily be split into two or more. With dialogue, whenever someone else speaks, it should get its own paragraph. Don't be afraid of having a lot of short paragraphs - in moderation of course. They can make things simpler, and easier to read.
Anyway, I loved this story! I can't wait to read chapter two... Have I rambled long enough? I tend to do that in reviews, sorry :D
Ciao!
~Chlover~