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March 6, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Traxie, you can take as long as you need to to update this brilliant of a story you have here but under one condition: that you can NEVER, EVER, abandon it under any condition! Now, if you decide to put it on hold, email me at Erszabet@yahoo.com. And just to tell you, I have a patient as a snail. So I can wait for a very long time.
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March 5, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Oh thank goodness DrkDreamer recommended this story of yours in her new one.
I didn't realise you had started a new story, and after loving Pain so much I knew I was going to be in for a delicious treat. After just reading this first chapter, I've been proved right, this is looking to be another excellent story from you!
Just two things I spotted that you might want to take a look at....
1) ....and I cursed my caretaker in my mind. If *the (he) would be on my side just for once.
2) “Hmpf. Thank you, Oscar. That’s all for today.” Master said and (I) bit on my lower lip, fear sweat breaking through my pale skin.
Without the word 'I', it reads like his master bit at his lower lip...
I can't wait to catch up with the other chapters now. :)
I didn't realise you had started a new story, and after loving Pain so much I knew I was going to be in for a delicious treat. After just reading this first chapter, I've been proved right, this is looking to be another excellent story from you!
Just two things I spotted that you might want to take a look at....
1) ....and I cursed my caretaker in my mind. If *the (he) would be on my side just for once.
2) “Hmpf. Thank you, Oscar. That’s all for today.” Master said and (I) bit on my lower lip, fear sweat breaking through my pale skin.
Without the word 'I', it reads like his master bit at his lower lip...
I can't wait to catch up with the other chapters now. :)
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March 5, 2009 at 12:00 AM
CHAPTER TWO
And another excellent chapter, making the reader feel every stinging blow, making the reader have every sympathy for the poor abused boy.
With such brutal punishments so soon into the story, it will be interesting to see what else this master can do to his slave.
Just one thing for you to look at....
....and failure to obey orders would induce *an* another flogging session.
I don't think there is any need for the word 'an' here. It simply needs taking away.
And another excellent chapter, making the reader feel every stinging blow, making the reader have every sympathy for the poor abused boy.
With such brutal punishments so soon into the story, it will be interesting to see what else this master can do to his slave.
Just one thing for you to look at....
....and failure to obey orders would induce *an* another flogging session.
I don't think there is any need for the word 'an' here. It simply needs taking away.
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March 5, 2009 at 12:00 AM
CHAPTER THREE
Oh boy...the way Oscar is acting towards Devin it reads like the boy is about to lose his life! I know that can't really be the case, because there are so many chapters after this one, but it does fill me with dread as to what is going to happen to the poor boy in the next chapter....and it leaves me wondering too, like him, what he did 'wrong' to get restrained like that in the first place.
Ah well, only one way to find out...read on. Lol.
Oh boy...the way Oscar is acting towards Devin it reads like the boy is about to lose his life! I know that can't really be the case, because there are so many chapters after this one, but it does fill me with dread as to what is going to happen to the poor boy in the next chapter....and it leaves me wondering too, like him, what he did 'wrong' to get restrained like that in the first place.
Ah well, only one way to find out...read on. Lol.
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March 5, 2009 at 12:00 AM
CHAPTER FOUR
A pretty hard chapter to read, as regards what happens to Devin. Oscar said he wasn't being tied down as a punishment, when in effect, he was. No wonder Oscar slipped the boy a drug to calm him. What a shame the master discovered this. Makes one worry now as to what fate might befall Oscar.
And a new little boy for the master to hurt, Ronan. He seems so sweet, I like him already. I hope him and Devin get a chance to become firm friends.
So, I just left the master slicing open Devin's face. Lets find out what happens next....
A pretty hard chapter to read, as regards what happens to Devin. Oscar said he wasn't being tied down as a punishment, when in effect, he was. No wonder Oscar slipped the boy a drug to calm him. What a shame the master discovered this. Makes one worry now as to what fate might befall Oscar.
And a new little boy for the master to hurt, Ronan. He seems so sweet, I like him already. I hope him and Devin get a chance to become firm friends.
So, I just left the master slicing open Devin's face. Lets find out what happens next....
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March 5, 2009 at 12:00 AM
CHAPTER 5
Out of the frying pan, into the fire eh, for poor Devin. What a way for him to escape his masters death plans....to flee the building under a hail of bullets.
I felt sorry for the death of Oscar. I almost wonder if the master didn't have something to do with his death, for trying to ease Devin's suffering. Maybe not. I doubt the sadistic master would need the excuse of an ambush to kill the boy's caretaker. I'm pretty sure he would have been happy to pull the trigger for any reason.
So, now our young hero finds himself confined inside the truck of a speeding car. I wonder what plans Ronan's uncle will have for the newly freed slave. Will he set him free totally? Or will he take over the role of the boy's master? Hmmmm, time to start reading the next chapter me thinks, lol.
Out of the frying pan, into the fire eh, for poor Devin. What a way for him to escape his masters death plans....to flee the building under a hail of bullets.
I felt sorry for the death of Oscar. I almost wonder if the master didn't have something to do with his death, for trying to ease Devin's suffering. Maybe not. I doubt the sadistic master would need the excuse of an ambush to kill the boy's caretaker. I'm pretty sure he would have been happy to pull the trigger for any reason.
So, now our young hero finds himself confined inside the truck of a speeding car. I wonder what plans Ronan's uncle will have for the newly freed slave. Will he set him free totally? Or will he take over the role of the boy's master? Hmmmm, time to start reading the next chapter me thinks, lol.
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March 5, 2009 at 12:00 AM
CHAPTER SIX
Hmmm... I still love the angst and the suffering you're building up here but.... I found the mention of yet another knife at his cheek, and the fact that you didn't mention the earlier event, slightly unbelievable. I mean, his first master cut into his face, and had begun to tear at his throat, but no mention is made of these prior injuries. I would have at least expected Devin to panic at having another cheek possibly disfigured.
So, we leave this chapter with him enclosed in another room, beaten and raped, and being served upon and bullied by a caretaker. Nothing changes for him it seems, lol.
Hmmm... I still love the angst and the suffering you're building up here but.... I found the mention of yet another knife at his cheek, and the fact that you didn't mention the earlier event, slightly unbelievable. I mean, his first master cut into his face, and had begun to tear at his throat, but no mention is made of these prior injuries. I would have at least expected Devin to panic at having another cheek possibly disfigured.
So, we leave this chapter with him enclosed in another room, beaten and raped, and being served upon and bullied by a caretaker. Nothing changes for him it seems, lol.
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March 5, 2009 at 12:00 AM
CHAPTER SEVEN
I love how Devin gives his captor's pet names of their own....Snake, Military Man. It's like he's forcing them in so way to become personal, even if it is only to himself.
What is little Ronan going to do now, after finding out that his uncle is no better than the man that kidnapped and raped him? I can't really see the young boy overpowering his uncle and running off to live happy ever after with Devin...but surely he must play some part in the slaves rescue from his dire existance?
So, still sore from the beating, raped three times, hungry and cold and with no future prospects to look forward to. What now for poor little Devin I ask myself....Hurrying on to the next chapter to find out! Lol....
I love how Devin gives his captor's pet names of their own....Snake, Military Man. It's like he's forcing them in so way to become personal, even if it is only to himself.
What is little Ronan going to do now, after finding out that his uncle is no better than the man that kidnapped and raped him? I can't really see the young boy overpowering his uncle and running off to live happy ever after with Devin...but surely he must play some part in the slaves rescue from his dire existance?
So, still sore from the beating, raped three times, hungry and cold and with no future prospects to look forward to. What now for poor little Devin I ask myself....Hurrying on to the next chapter to find out! Lol....
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March 5, 2009 at 12:00 AM
CHAPTER EIGHT
So, Devin's new master has made contact with the boy again, if only to terrify him into revealing what was done to his nephew. Like Devin, I believe Keeran already suspected the truth, but that Ronan wasn't confirming it to try and shield his new found friend.
Well, it seems a pattern might now be established. Sleep, feed, shower, sex...etc, etc. I wonder what the break will be for Devin...
So, Devin's new master has made contact with the boy again, if only to terrify him into revealing what was done to his nephew. Like Devin, I believe Keeran already suspected the truth, but that Ronan wasn't confirming it to try and shield his new found friend.
Well, it seems a pattern might now be established. Sleep, feed, shower, sex...etc, etc. I wonder what the break will be for Devin...
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March 5, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Yay, Devin got his blanket back, lol.
Well, fancy his master using his body in a drunken fit of passion. Can't understand why he was so angry with the poor boy for eating his cold dinner though, and taking the food from him. Nor can I understand why Keeran ordered his men NOT to touch the boy. Getting possessive after just one night? Hmmm...
One thing I find myself questioning is... Why did Snake bother to wake Devin up, only to tell him in the next breath to get some rest? That seemed a bit strange to me. If maybe you had said that Snake ordered Devin to take a shower, or to eat or something, then that would have explained his reason for being in the room in the first place....
But other than that, exciting read as always.
Well, fancy his master using his body in a drunken fit of passion. Can't understand why he was so angry with the poor boy for eating his cold dinner though, and taking the food from him. Nor can I understand why Keeran ordered his men NOT to touch the boy. Getting possessive after just one night? Hmmm...
One thing I find myself questioning is... Why did Snake bother to wake Devin up, only to tell him in the next breath to get some rest? That seemed a bit strange to me. If maybe you had said that Snake ordered Devin to take a shower, or to eat or something, then that would have explained his reason for being in the room in the first place....
But other than that, exciting read as always.