rate_review Reviews

*blinks* *blinkblink* okay, first of all, I have to say that I really liked it. It flows really nicely and I felt like I was actually listening to the thoughts of the main character.

Just have to say that I think Mark's a bastard ... *shakes head* he literally just turned the main character into a prostitute ... with mark as his pimp. >.< *sigh*

Anyway, still love it.

Loved it! Well written and original!

I wish I could have more!

Awesome piece. You're very real with how it goes. Not everyone's gorgeous, and not everyone is begging for sex. I like and loathe Mark, and your narrator (no name, hmn?) does a marvelous job with description. ((Which, of course, means YOU do a fantastic job with description.))

As to your questions...

1) If you're going for realism (which I assume you are), then it might not quite work out as well as it could. However, I think that in this oneshot you carried it off beautifully, so leave as is. Absurd or not, it works for this.

2) Run-ons? I don't think I saw a single on in this. You've got complex sentences, true, but nothing run-on-ish to my eye...

Great job. I'd love to see more of these two, if you feel like continuing.

1)I am usually pretty against the whole idea of "I was forced to do it but whatever" since I feel like if that was me, I'd be kicking some ass. However, I think it worked for your character fairly well. You revealed and introduced just enough about your characters to make it believable. Good work!
2)I usually zone in immediately to mispellings, fragments or run-ons, (wanting to edit everything is an annoying habit of mine) and I've got to say, I didn't notice a single run-on in your story! Sometimes run-ons just work like that, fit in with the moment, and therefore fit in and go unnoticed to picky people like me.

Anyway, I know this is a oneshot but I very much enjoyed your characters. I would definitely be happy to see more of them. :)

I adore run ons in fiction like this. I think yours are a perfect imitation of the human thought process. They're good, and flow smoothly, and they're not annoying at all.

I've never really been able to get that 'I'm being forced into this but will just go with it anyway" mentality, but I've never really been in that same position to understand what could be going on in someone's head at that time. I figure this kid's really desperate for any situation which seems like "more" from Mark, so it all works out.

Also, Mark is one of my top favorite names ever.

Great job. (:

OwO ... I think this was hot. And I think Mark needs to get over himself and admit he's a giant faggot too, and wants the main character ( was his name even mentioned? ). Even if it was a fat man... I think this was delicious. Mark and main character all... rubbing against each other... the way you described the intimacy was wonderful. How they looked into each others eyes, and how he held on to him at the end, despite being fucked in a bathroom and everything... omfg. UPDATE PLEEEEASE. I want some love behind those fucks. :'D

It works
it all works, the phrasing, the plot, the characters
just very well writen
I don't suppose you'd want to write anything else about these characters again?
also I'm kind of entertained that Mark is basically his pimp now.

Hi there. I think your story was good even if it was a little sad! and i think the whole , 'I was kind of forced into it but I'm sort of ok with that' think works cuz I would have that reaction. Its the you just stopped caring and roll with the punchs thinking! lol


But good work. I enjoy it. =)
Sunako

It works strange but works its flows well but the sex scene could have been drawn out a little more but on the whole a good piece of slash nice job!

*~ o.o whoa, ha, that was entertaining the read. though it took a moment and a little re-read to realize that it was the old man in the next stall poking around XD it came to me as a surprise when you mentioned that the "fat old man" was panting and all. maybe you could have added something about Mark's hands at that time so it would suggest a third party (the old man). anyways, nice story ~*