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August 17, 2012 at 12:00 AM
This is great! Really enjoying it so far, although I feel so sorry for your MC: he has had a crappy life with crappy parents! No 8th birthday! The Monster seems like a much better option.
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August 17, 2012 at 12:00 AM
:)
*Hug*
this was a good chapter, I do hope that the rest of them will be as well. ^^
*Hug*
this was a good chapter, I do hope that the rest of them will be as well. ^^
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August 17, 2012 at 12:00 AM
:) the dad is a douche and I think Logan is a little self-centered I think Im becoming very invested in this story PLS continue
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August 17, 2012 at 12:00 AM
“What’s a bastard?”
HAHAHAHAH, that got me bawling.
Can't wait for how he would explain this one :)
HAHAHAHAH, that got me bawling.
Can't wait for how he would explain this one :)
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August 17, 2012 at 12:00 AM
-munches on free candy-
It's because this story is so good then you leave on a high note and I'm like "AWWWWWWWWWWWWW DAMN."
Just like that.
I could bribe you with art but I'm really really slow. This chapter does give a lot of visual interest that I could attempt to draw the monster. The problem is I'm suppose to draw one other story and I didn't get a scanner until...recently and so many crappy excuses. I still might try if it means more nice chapters.
I like this chapter the most so far because of a lot of clearer points. And hey more sex.
I think in order> Parents>Logan>Monster in terms of asshole. Monster doesn't know better. Logan is still a kid. Parents SHOULD know better but are ignorant.
You know what would be creepy? If Brett turned into a monster from all of this.
It's because this story is so good then you leave on a high note and I'm like "AWWWWWWWWWWWWW DAMN."
Just like that.
I could bribe you with art but I'm really really slow. This chapter does give a lot of visual interest that I could attempt to draw the monster. The problem is I'm suppose to draw one other story and I didn't get a scanner until...recently and so many crappy excuses. I still might try if it means more nice chapters.
I like this chapter the most so far because of a lot of clearer points. And hey more sex.
I think in order> Parents>Logan>Monster in terms of asshole. Monster doesn't know better. Logan is still a kid. Parents SHOULD know better but are ignorant.
You know what would be creepy? If Brett turned into a monster from all of this.
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August 15, 2012 at 12:00 AM
Well I have to say that your response (on my own story) made me laugh. You took that well. You get points for that. :P
Do you want me to say something about your story, too? ...okay. Your main character is really really detached from the things that are happening, it's like he's watching someone else. He's like a normal teenager with normal teenage thought patterns, just sort of gloomy. Being raped daily at age twelve does a lot more damage than that. But maybe you're just not really interested in making this a study of mental trauma and decided to put the focus of the story elsewhere.
On the upside, your writing pulled me in easily (and my attention span is such that "I didn't skim" is a value judgment), to the point where I didn't even notice the random tense change at first. I was entertained.
Do you want me to say something about your story, too? ...okay. Your main character is really really detached from the things that are happening, it's like he's watching someone else. He's like a normal teenager with normal teenage thought patterns, just sort of gloomy. Being raped daily at age twelve does a lot more damage than that. But maybe you're just not really interested in making this a study of mental trauma and decided to put the focus of the story elsewhere.
On the upside, your writing pulled me in easily (and my attention span is such that "I didn't skim" is a value judgment), to the point where I didn't even notice the random tense change at first. I was entertained.
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August 15, 2012 at 12:00 AM
Man. I'll bribe you if you can not stop making cliffhangers.
Seriously......
Seriously I want to know what's up with this monster. Is it real or is it in his mind? I'm still freaking out about that. I think it's real but you never know in fanfiction.
Oh and the dad is a douchebag so it's not him eh. Hmmm. I thought it was his dad in the beginning but that was shot off really quick.
Seriously......
Seriously I want to know what's up with this monster. Is it real or is it in his mind? I'm still freaking out about that. I think it's real but you never know in fanfiction.
Oh and the dad is a douchebag so it's not him eh. Hmmm. I thought it was his dad in the beginning but that was shot off really quick.
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August 15, 2012 at 12:00 AM
Who in their right mind wants to do Justin Bieber?
'They’re the reason this country is in the shitter' ... I like to believe the story is set in the US and then laugh my way to the floor. Unfortunately there are some nutters who agree with daddy. We shall ignore them. For now.
I can't help but wonder if, at some point, the monster will make him feel alive. Like... The dad yelling, all the annoying people in his life, they're nothing compared to the moster and what it does, so it would be like an adrenaline rush appeal? Depending on the person, if they are effectively trapped in a crappy life, they will pin point something and hold on to it, even if it's what kills them in the end.
You can get yourself here. I imagine it will be a costly flight all the way to Finland. Bring thermal panties.
Pancakes and sausage? And syrup? ... Is that normal?
'They’re the reason this country is in the shitter' ... I like to believe the story is set in the US and then laugh my way to the floor. Unfortunately there are some nutters who agree with daddy. We shall ignore them. For now.
I can't help but wonder if, at some point, the monster will make him feel alive. Like... The dad yelling, all the annoying people in his life, they're nothing compared to the moster and what it does, so it would be like an adrenaline rush appeal? Depending on the person, if they are effectively trapped in a crappy life, they will pin point something and hold on to it, even if it's what kills them in the end.
You can get yourself here. I imagine it will be a costly flight all the way to Finland. Bring thermal panties.
Pancakes and sausage? And syrup? ... Is that normal?
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August 14, 2012 at 12:00 AM
:D Justin Beiber wow that's so funny! He's just so the love of my life, even though I never met him and there's no hope this side of life for even the remote chance of bumping into each other at Walmart. Yeah that's jut everybody's fantasy.
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August 14, 2012 at 12:00 AM
Hi there! this here is going to be a critique. you may choose to ignore whatever I have to say, but I hope you will take some of it to your attention.
first of all I want to say that I really admire the concept of the story, it's original and cute and interesting. when I read the first chapter long, long ago I really thought it was a great idea, I loved the character and found it easy to connect with him and with his emotions.
HOWEVER.
reading the new chapters I find that to be harder for me to do. I get the feeling that your main character had developed some sort of multiple personality disorder and those personalities are changing between themselves so quickly that it's hard to keep track of them. one moment he is a happy go lucky twinky who admires his own ass (a bit too much, I'd say) and the other he is a Emo boy who hates everyone and everything.
I also find his "sexy and I know it" attitude completely unrealistic. the boy is being raped daily by a vicious non-human thing yet he seems to be perfectly content with his body, and more than willing to blame the monster itself for what is happening to him. rape victims in general and male victims in particular are more prone to think that since their body was violated they are disgusting and that somehow it's their own fault that they were raped, and unless something major happened that made him feel otherwise, I don't see just how your character seemes not to care about it at all.
maybe it's because the chapters are kinda short, but I find that you are jumping through events very quickly, your characters reactions to things that are happening does not give a picture of what had actually happened in the scene,for example - Brett's dad finding him in the mall. he just sort of appeared out of nowhere and started to yell, I found it confusing. why was he there? how did he see them? had Brett seen him before he came to the table? one moment the man is looking at the boys and the next he and brett are already at his truck. I just think a bit more elaboration of the scene is needed, as do many other scenes in the story.
as I understand it, this story is already complete right? have you considered giving it to someone who would beta-read it for you? or even reread it yourself a couple of times before posting a chapter? I find that for me rereading a chapter before posting it direct my attention to things I could do better within it.
in conclusion - your story concept is great, but I think your characters could use some work done on them. try doing a profile on each character - what are their most strong traits? what are the good ones, what are the bad ones, how have the events of the story affected those traits and how does is that portrayed in the story?
you may choose to ignore my advice, I don't mind. I am enjoying your story as do many others so keep writing and enjoy yourself :D
first of all I want to say that I really admire the concept of the story, it's original and cute and interesting. when I read the first chapter long, long ago I really thought it was a great idea, I loved the character and found it easy to connect with him and with his emotions.
HOWEVER.
reading the new chapters I find that to be harder for me to do. I get the feeling that your main character had developed some sort of multiple personality disorder and those personalities are changing between themselves so quickly that it's hard to keep track of them. one moment he is a happy go lucky twinky who admires his own ass (a bit too much, I'd say) and the other he is a Emo boy who hates everyone and everything.
I also find his "sexy and I know it" attitude completely unrealistic. the boy is being raped daily by a vicious non-human thing yet he seems to be perfectly content with his body, and more than willing to blame the monster itself for what is happening to him. rape victims in general and male victims in particular are more prone to think that since their body was violated they are disgusting and that somehow it's their own fault that they were raped, and unless something major happened that made him feel otherwise, I don't see just how your character seemes not to care about it at all.
maybe it's because the chapters are kinda short, but I find that you are jumping through events very quickly, your characters reactions to things that are happening does not give a picture of what had actually happened in the scene,for example - Brett's dad finding him in the mall. he just sort of appeared out of nowhere and started to yell, I found it confusing. why was he there? how did he see them? had Brett seen him before he came to the table? one moment the man is looking at the boys and the next he and brett are already at his truck. I just think a bit more elaboration of the scene is needed, as do many other scenes in the story.
as I understand it, this story is already complete right? have you considered giving it to someone who would beta-read it for you? or even reread it yourself a couple of times before posting a chapter? I find that for me rereading a chapter before posting it direct my attention to things I could do better within it.
in conclusion - your story concept is great, but I think your characters could use some work done on them. try doing a profile on each character - what are their most strong traits? what are the good ones, what are the bad ones, how have the events of the story affected those traits and how does is that portrayed in the story?
you may choose to ignore my advice, I don't mind. I am enjoying your story as do many others so keep writing and enjoy yourself :D