rate_review Reviews

you should update this story

Best advise I can give you... Your in severe need of a supportive Beta try looking in the forums.

Interesting story....I've never "betaed" a story before, but am willing to do it for you if you'd like...

Okay, so I see the beginnings of a decent smut fic. Good premise, decent description of the girl...

To improve (and please don't take this as a flame, it's supposed to be constructive), I would first write out the "first brother" and "second brother", as well as "third". Using abbreviations is jarring to the reader, and makes the story less continuous.

Secondly, when writing dialogue, the punctuation looks something like this:

"Dialogue dialogue. Dialogue dialogue dialogue," so and so said/laughed/smirked/etc.

Thirdly, I'd use the word cunt instead of pussy just because your story and dialogue are set in mideval setting, it seems. "Pussy" just sounds too post modern for the story.

That's all I have to say. Thanks for writing!

Hey there, Awesome story so far. But when are you going to put the next chapter up? well, update soon.

Ja-Ne =^_^=

it was ok, I just kept getting distracted by the whole 1st and 2 stuff, you must remeber that when writting stories, you cant take shortcuts like that.

Nice

You should try more descriptions...maybe even some thoughts. Everything is cut and dry, which can be nice but often leaves one wanting. Maybe you should try to make it more personal? Give them names or a little bit of background. I mean, were they nice before she was of age or were the brothers always taunting her? Be careful with your spelling, too. You've got 'waist' instead of 'waste'. I do think you did a good job for a first try.

okay great start i hope theres more to come.

Well.. of course you only have four paragraphs. Don't force it to come out it will make it even harder for the ideas to flow. Here's something I do to try and break writers block, go read something that is similar to what you want to write it could help inspire you