schedule
May 19, 2008 at 12:00 AM
New story! What a 'mancy start. I love it.
schedule
May 19, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Wow! Great beginning! I can't wait to read more!!
This looks really good! :D
Thanks for the story! *hugs*
This looks really good! :D
Thanks for the story! *hugs*
schedule
May 18, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I like it. There seems to be a touch of darkness in Raphael that plays Marcel’s vulnerability. Marcel almost seems drugged (on Love? Lust? Really drugged?). Though these are just the impressions I get from a short piece.
A few sentences stood out as a little awkward.
‘…the room was filled with light as a brilliant flash went off…’ Kill the passive voice! It has its time and place but this isn’t it. How about:
‘A brilliant flash went off, filling the room with light.’
Or even better you can avoid the –ing word and go for:
A brilliant flash went off and filled the room with light.
Either of these adds a little more immediacy.
The other bit that sounded awkward is:
‘Mmm, you’re so beautiful, Marcel,” the man sitting besides Marcel said as a series of clicks and flashes went off in repetition. The man shifted slightly for a better angle and the flashes continued.’
I know you’re trying to make it clear that it’s the other man but you’ve already achieved that by giving Marcel a name.
How about:
‘Mmm, you’re so beautiful, Marcel.” A series of clicks and flashes went off in repetition. The bed dipped as the chuckling man perched on the bed beside Marcel. He shifted slightly for a better angle and the flashes continued.’
Why the chucking man? Because up to this point this is the only distinguishing feature we have of him and it relates solely to him.
These are all little things though. You have a pair of novel and engaging characters, and final line feel like an omen of things to come.
I hope you don’t mind the CC. I look forward to finding out more.
A few sentences stood out as a little awkward.
‘…the room was filled with light as a brilliant flash went off…’ Kill the passive voice! It has its time and place but this isn’t it. How about:
‘A brilliant flash went off, filling the room with light.’
Or even better you can avoid the –ing word and go for:
A brilliant flash went off and filled the room with light.
Either of these adds a little more immediacy.
The other bit that sounded awkward is:
‘Mmm, you’re so beautiful, Marcel,” the man sitting besides Marcel said as a series of clicks and flashes went off in repetition. The man shifted slightly for a better angle and the flashes continued.’
I know you’re trying to make it clear that it’s the other man but you’ve already achieved that by giving Marcel a name.
How about:
‘Mmm, you’re so beautiful, Marcel.” A series of clicks and flashes went off in repetition. The bed dipped as the chuckling man perched on the bed beside Marcel. He shifted slightly for a better angle and the flashes continued.’
Why the chucking man? Because up to this point this is the only distinguishing feature we have of him and it relates solely to him.
These are all little things though. You have a pair of novel and engaging characters, and final line feel like an omen of things to come.
I hope you don’t mind the CC. I look forward to finding out more.