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June 26, 2007 at 12:00 AM
The story does not get much better than that. Not so much because of the content, but because it faces similar issues throughout the breadth of it.
Aside from making the character too good to be true, even for fictional purposes, the circumstances seem rather...well, expected. Unfortunately because the character is a Mary Sue, the reader can to some extent forsee what will happen at the end.
I am also in agreement that this story should not be in the Erotica section, as it is not Erotica. It's a story with sex in it. It should be placed in the Vampire section as it those feature vampires. Erotica stories are based upon sexual tension and are primarily stories with plot written around sex. I also noted that the story after ten or so chapters starts to lose its focus. There is no direction really, other than the main character getting her fill of two, "powerful" men.
Again, some may argue that this is a fictional story, therefore it does not have to be based in reality. Unfortunately for those people, they do not factor in that we humans, like to relate to most aspects of the story, regardless of how outlandish certain character's powers are.
For a woman to come across supernatural beings and brush them off with a blase attitude, even though she's apparently human, is not...logical. I did read the story up until this author began her tantrums, and it left much to be desired. If she is to really understand and appreciate what it is to be a writer, said author must brush off the good reviews, and listen to those who see flaws.
Making excuses won't get anyone published, no matter how many reviewers on AFF say, "OMG THIS IZ AWSOME!"
Adara
Aside from making the character too good to be true, even for fictional purposes, the circumstances seem rather...well, expected. Unfortunately because the character is a Mary Sue, the reader can to some extent forsee what will happen at the end.
I am also in agreement that this story should not be in the Erotica section, as it is not Erotica. It's a story with sex in it. It should be placed in the Vampire section as it those feature vampires. Erotica stories are based upon sexual tension and are primarily stories with plot written around sex. I also noted that the story after ten or so chapters starts to lose its focus. There is no direction really, other than the main character getting her fill of two, "powerful" men.
Again, some may argue that this is a fictional story, therefore it does not have to be based in reality. Unfortunately for those people, they do not factor in that we humans, like to relate to most aspects of the story, regardless of how outlandish certain character's powers are.
For a woman to come across supernatural beings and brush them off with a blase attitude, even though she's apparently human, is not...logical. I did read the story up until this author began her tantrums, and it left much to be desired. If she is to really understand and appreciate what it is to be a writer, said author must brush off the good reviews, and listen to those who see flaws.
Making excuses won't get anyone published, no matter how many reviewers on AFF say, "OMG THIS IZ AWSOME!"
Adara
schedule
June 25, 2007 at 12:00 AM
*rolls eyes* know exactly who you are and if you check both of those reviews who you supposedly think are from WFK one is an accidental double post. and if your whining about 1(+) ratings look at yourself and wonder why Enfer's Mate got a stream of 1(+)s from possibly the same place... i'm not going to incite another flame war so i'm not gonna post anymore. I delted your reviews from my rant because thats exactly what you did to me
schedule
June 25, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I found myself directed to this story because of the rant posted by another author. I felt investigation was in order and have to admit that I probably shouldn't have ever opened this story up. Not to say that its bad, but for an author to care so little about their work that they'll write anything without bothering to check spelling, grammar and punctuation is sad. Whether or not writing is for fun, it should be treated with respect. People base their reasons for reading or not reading based on what they find in that first chapter. I will now do my best to list the reasons why I now wonder what drove me to try and read this.
Firstly, I read the reviews before writing this, so any information that I might list that's wrong is likely because it comes from there. If, in truth, the author of said work is an English major... might I point out that an English major does not a writer make? Writing is as much a talent as singing or drawing. If it isn't there, it isn't there. Majoring in English is different from majoring in creating writing.
I had problems with the excessive.... and I do mean excessive.... use of commas. Sentences were broken up that had no reason to be broken up. Not every sentence needs a comma. Too many commas can be as bad as too few. Include the fact that there were places where commas should have been and weren't. It makes it very difficult for me to read such things.
Also, I have to comment that some of the activities written into chapter 0.5 (I could read no farther than the first few lines of the next 'chapter') were next to bloody impossible. My suggestion is that perhaps the author should consider rewriting these parts and making the activities physically possible. There's no way a man's balls will slap against a woman's ass if he's taking her from behind. Also, unless said woman has her face planted deeply into the floor, there's no way she would be able to scratch up his arms when in the throws of release. Sorry. It just can't happen when she's on her hands and knees. Never mind the fact that I found the opening sex scene lacking in the 'oomph' that should be in Erotica. Forgive me for this, but if you post to a specific section, you should be sure your work fits. Sex for the sake of sex isn't all that enjoyable.
And please.... how about just a little back story? Give us the reason why we're at the place in the story we're at. I like a little back story because it makes the story better.
Several other things bothered me about the part that I wrote, but I won't go into too much detail. I will say that no Southerner I know would speak, write and think with a drawl. And I live in the south.
What's sad is, if the author took some time to really make changes, she could make it better. Granted, she has well over 66,000+ hits and 700+ reviews. So there's obviously something truly enjoyable about this story that people like. I, however, could not find it. Take this for what its meant to be: constructive criticism. Take the time to make this story better, because everything can be better.
Firstly, I read the reviews before writing this, so any information that I might list that's wrong is likely because it comes from there. If, in truth, the author of said work is an English major... might I point out that an English major does not a writer make? Writing is as much a talent as singing or drawing. If it isn't there, it isn't there. Majoring in English is different from majoring in creating writing.
I had problems with the excessive.... and I do mean excessive.... use of commas. Sentences were broken up that had no reason to be broken up. Not every sentence needs a comma. Too many commas can be as bad as too few. Include the fact that there were places where commas should have been and weren't. It makes it very difficult for me to read such things.
Also, I have to comment that some of the activities written into chapter 0.5 (I could read no farther than the first few lines of the next 'chapter') were next to bloody impossible. My suggestion is that perhaps the author should consider rewriting these parts and making the activities physically possible. There's no way a man's balls will slap against a woman's ass if he's taking her from behind. Also, unless said woman has her face planted deeply into the floor, there's no way she would be able to scratch up his arms when in the throws of release. Sorry. It just can't happen when she's on her hands and knees. Never mind the fact that I found the opening sex scene lacking in the 'oomph' that should be in Erotica. Forgive me for this, but if you post to a specific section, you should be sure your work fits. Sex for the sake of sex isn't all that enjoyable.
And please.... how about just a little back story? Give us the reason why we're at the place in the story we're at. I like a little back story because it makes the story better.
Several other things bothered me about the part that I wrote, but I won't go into too much detail. I will say that no Southerner I know would speak, write and think with a drawl. And I live in the south.
What's sad is, if the author took some time to really make changes, she could make it better. Granted, she has well over 66,000+ hits and 700+ reviews. So there's obviously something truly enjoyable about this story that people like. I, however, could not find it. Take this for what its meant to be: constructive criticism. Take the time to make this story better, because everything can be better.
schedule
June 25, 2007 at 12:00 AM
If any of you guys want a continuation of this story your gonna have to go else where when WFK finds a new place to post because shes been banned her account has been taken over by admins
schedule
June 25, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Hey there, WFK. I just wanted to say I've loved your stories. Your so frickin talented. I'll be sure to check out the new site Acal is going to put up. I think all of this is bull btw. Adara is a stupid b****. I'm kinda glad your leaving this site. More room for syour good work, and no room for crap and trash. U were the best thing to happen to this site. *love and hugs* You're actually going to make a difference in the world, your so good.
schedule
June 25, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Hey there, WFK. I just wanted to say I've loved your stories. Your so frickin talented. I'll be sure to check out the new site Acal is going to put up. I think all of this is bull btw. Adara is a stupid b****. I'm kinda glad your leaving this site. More room for syour good work, and no room for crap and trash. U were the best thing to happen to this site. *love and hugs* You're actually going to make a difference in the world, your so good.
schedule
June 25, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Honestly, if you're going to review yourself WhiteFlameKitsune, you can at least wait between posts so that you look credible. This is sad.
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June 24, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Hey, I hope your exams went well. AND, I'm so glad to hear that we're finally going to get some SMUT!!!!
Keep kickin' ass!
Keep kickin' ass!
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June 24, 2007 at 12:00 AM
aww I'm here, I'm here lol I've just got major stuff going on lol but I never left ya lol You're still doing great and have to say that I'm super excited about the smut next chapter lol whooo hooo can't wait lol so don't make me go for to long without a update ok?? lol and I promise to review very promptly lol
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June 24, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Ok, leaving the end of a chapter like that is just plain cruel... I love it! I'm really looking forward to the next chapter. It definately sounds interesting.... yum! By the way, I saw your Delancy picture. I can't help but notice how much she looks like you. How does it feel to be the lady who gets to do naughty things to multiple sexy men? Lucky you!